


Someone New

by Breton_Mage



Series: Kaine X Cicero [4]
Category: Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim
Genre: Corruption, Degradation, Edging, Fluff and Smut, Gay Sex, Humiliation, Knife Play, Lemon, Loss of Virginity, M/M, Masturbation, NSFW, Oral Sex, Orgasm Delay, Orgasm Denial, Porn With Plot, Praise Kink, Purity Kink, Rough Sex, Slow Burn, Smut, Virginity Kink, Voyeurism, dominant cicero, top cicero
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-01-29
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 14:20:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 45,395
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29065728
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Breton_Mage/pseuds/Breton_Mage
Summary: Nazir abducted a Breton twink to be the sanctuary’s healer... things get interesting
Relationships: Cicero (Elder Scrolls)/Original Character(s), Cicero (Elder Scrolls)/Original Male Character(s), Cicero (Elder Scrolls)/Reader, Cicero/Dovahkiin | Dragonborn, Cicero/Listener (Elder Scrolls), Cicero/Male Dovahkiin | Dragonborn
Series: Kaine X Cicero [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2122962
Comments: 95
Kudos: 31





	1. Fucking psycho

**Author's Note:**

> TW: graphic depictions of violence and torture 
> 
> This one’s super dark. I almost felt dirty writing it, and that’s saying something lmao. But chances are if you clicked on this story you’re into that shit. If that’s the case, enjoy!

Kaine trudged through the snow which laced the ground of Dawnstar. The blistering cold wind blew past his face, not that he cared. 

“We’re almost home, Cicero,” he said with a light laugh at the shivering jester beside him. 

“Don’t laugh at poor old Cicero, listener,” Cicero muttered with mock annoyance. He rubbed his gloved hands together in an effort to get some warmth, but it was a sad attempt at best. 

They had been traveling the whole night, not stopping after their little detour in the woods. Kaine’s face blushed a bit as he remembered all that had transpired. He was still terribly sore and it kind of hurt to even walk but he pushed on anyway. He certainly had no regrets. 

Cicero scoffed at the snow on his boots, frantically kicking it off. “This insufferable snow makes me miss falkreath,” he said quietly, a pout evident in his voice. 

Kaine fell silent at the mention of the old sanctuary. He tried his best not to think about it, as anyone would if they had lost their family in a literal _ambush_. He often missed the old members. Veezara, Gabriella...Even Festus Krex, grumpy old mage that he was. However, he never cared about Astrid. nothing brought him more joy than when he sent her to Sithis. 

Kaine let out a loud laugh, “Remember when you attacked Astrid and called her a harlot?” 

Cicero snickered beside him as he remembered. 

“Cicero spoke nothing but the truth~” 

Kaine smiled fondly at the memory. When he had arrived at the falkreath sanctuary that day and Gabriella told him about how Cicero had attacked Astrid, he had laughed on the spot. Gabriella had looked at him as if he had three heads but he didn’t care. He loved how spontaneous and unpredictable his funky little jester could be, and he loved it even more when he had channeled that chaotic energy towards Astrid. That had all happened ages ago, but it felt like it was yesterday. 

“You know...I always hated that bitch. She had it coming,” Kaine said under his breathe. Cicero glanced over at the man beside him with curious eyes.

“When she asked me to kill you..” Kaine subconsciously clenched his fists and locked his jaw. Nothing could compare to the anger he had felt when Astrid gave him those orders. The way he had to lie to her face and pretend to be her obedient little dog, only to be betrayed in the end. A million thoughts were swarming in his head. He should have killed her right then and there, when she originally gave him the orders to kill Cicero. It would have saved the family from that godforsaken ambush, and Cicero would have never had to leave like he did. He remembered riding through skyrim on shadowmere’s back, nonstop until he found Arnbjorn sitting outside of the Dawnstar sanctuary. Kaine had practically killed the man on sight, until he told him that Cicero was still alive. And then he found his keeper laying there, wounded and bleeding . The way his eyes met Kaine’s as if he was afraid he would actually kill him. And the surprised look on his face when Kaine made him drink a healing potion. 

Kaine suddenly felt warmth in his hand. He looked down, only to see that Cicero had slid his gloved hand in his and intertwined their fingers. 

“I knew you wouldn’t do it...” Cicero said lightly. His serious tone was such a harsh comparison to his usual playful self. 

“You were the only one who was ever truly... kind to me..” he spoke softly, gaze trained on the ground. Kaine’s expression softened and he gave Cicero’s hand a light squeeze as they walked. 

Cicero was right. Kaine remembered quite well how the rest of the members had treated him. Everyone always rolled their eyes at the jester’s obnoxious laughter, or ignored him when he told one of his outlandish jokes. They treated him like a common fool, they always underestimated him. And they still had the audacity to wonder why he had eventually snapped and lashed out on Astrid. But Kaine always tried to talk to Cicero whenever he could. They had quickly become close friends shortly after Cicero’s arrival. Always snickering and cracking jokes to each other, which often annoyed Nazir but neither of them cared at the time. Kaine’s feelings for Cicero didn’t develop over night... He had felt for the jester ever since he first met him if he was being honest.

Cicero laughed weakly. “You always listened to my crazed stories,” he said, trying his best to sound casual. 

Kaine smiled. “Well they were funny,” he said in an attempt to lighten the mood. “They still are.” 

Cicero patted Kaine’s hand lightly, a grin on his face. 

“Well I have plenty more to tell, listener!” 

_____

“So...you and Cicero are..?” Nazir questioned, raising an eyebrow at Kaine as he sat down at the table. Kaine smirked. 

“ _Fucking_? Yeah-“ Kaine laughed at the unamused look on Nazir’s face. He didn’t think he’d ever actually seen the man smile unless he was cooking something. And this was no exception. 

Nazir eyed the bite marks and bruises on Kaine’s neck, before letting out a deep chuckle. “I must say Kaine, I never would have expected you to be the one who...”He began but his words trailed off into a short, uncomfortable laugh. 

“You gonna finish that sentence, Nazir?” Kaine asked with mock offense. Nazir only shook his head and crossed his arms, “I’m just glad to see that you’ve found someone... even if it is Cicero.” 

Kaine actually smiled at that. Nazir was never one for affectionate words, so he would take what he could get. 

“I appreciate that, Nazir,” Kaine said as he turned to look up at the second floor. As soon as they had gotten inside the sanctuary, Cicero had practically ran straight to the night mother’s coffin. He said he had to make up for lost time, and that her bandages needed to be changed. Kaine watched him with fond eyes as the jester hopped about the coffin happily, placing fresh flowers around it and humming to himself. 

“Sometimes I wonder what you see in him,” Nazir said with a sigh, kicking his legs up to rest on the side of the table. 

Kaine shrugged, “you don’t know him like I do.” 

Nazir spared another amused glance at Kaine’s absolutely ruined neck and let out another deep laugh. “No, I guess I don’t.” 

Kaine whirled around to face him, a light blush on his cheeks. “Are you gonna give me another contract or what?” His tone was flustered and accusing. 

Nazir uncrossed his arms and casually leaned back in his chair. “Actually, no. I sent you out on the last one, and we haven’t received any more recently,” he said as he reached for the fruit bowl in the center of the table and popped a grape in his mouth. “You’ll be here for at least a couple of days.” 

Kaine nodded silently. It had been awhile since he was able to kick back and chill in the sanctuary. Nazir had him going on missions left and right for the past month or so. He was always rushing all over skyrim, and all though he loved the adventures that came with it, it had become terribly exhausting. 

“Do you know what time it is by any chance?” Kaine asked. 

“Sun rise, at least,” Nazir responded with a loud yawn. 

Kaine snatched an apple from the fruit bowl before turning on his heels and waltzing towards the hallway. “I’m headed to bed then,” he called out without bothering to look over his shoulder. Everyone in the sanctuary was practically nocturnal, including the prisoners they kept in the torture chamber. Kaine walked down the long corridor, and was relieved when he didn’t hear any groans of agony. It was always a pain in the ass when the prisoners wouldn’t shut up while he was trying to sleep. 

He let himself into his room, sluggishly slipping out of his armor and placing his two ebony daggers in his trunk. He closed the lid hesitantly, before opening it again and taking out one of his daggers to keep under his pillow. It’s not that he felt unsafe, but he had terrible trust issues and paranoia. Kaine often found himself preparing for any possible scenario. What if one of the prisoners escaped and tried to attack him? What if Nazir suddenly went insane and tried to suffocate him in his sleep? 

He shook his head as if to push the troublesome thoughts out of his head before practically jumping into bed. 

“In bed already?” 

Kaine glanced at the door and stared at Cicero with half lidded eyes. 

“What does it look like?” He asked with a tired laugh. Cicero snickered and walked over to him, taking the time to carefully remove his gloves and his jester hat along with his boots. Kaine watched him briefly before rolling over to his side of the bed. Wait,  his side? They had sides now? Kaine pulled the blanket back and Cicero took the invitation, sliding in to lay next to him. 

They laid facing each other on their sides, Cicero raised his hand to carefully caress Kaine’s cheek. Kaine closed his eyes, covering Cicero’s hand with his. He was so tired it literally hurt to keep his eyes open. Cicero somehow was not nearly as fatigued as Kaine was. 

“Listener...” Cicero murmured as he brushed a stray hair out of Kaine’s face. 

“Hm?” Kaine hummed his response, too exhausted to form words. 

“Such a pretty face,” His keeper whispered so quietly, as if he could scare Kaine away if he spoke too loudly. He allowed his hand to slip down to Kaine’s waist, pulling him in closer until he was flush against him. Kaine’s face was pushed up against Cicero’s chest, his jester’s lithe fingers sliding through his hair absentmindedly.

Cicero rested his chin on Kaine’s head, and his free hand lightly held his throat. Not pressing or squeezing, just cradling it. It was a protective gesture...A possessive one, at that. He lightly traced his thumb in circles over the bruises and bites, before resting on his pulse. 

“I can feel your heartbeat when I do this,” Cicero murmured into his listener’s soft blonde hair. Kaine grumbled in response, already half asleep. He nestled in closer to Cicero’s chest and wrapped an arm around him subconsciously. His breathing slowed as Cicero held him, until finally,  finally he slipped away into a deep sleep. 

_____

Kaine awakened with a startle, his eyes shooting open and his chest heaving with harsh breathes. He had another one of his nightmares. They didn’t happen often, but when they did they hit him hard. He groaned as he raised an arm to his forehead, trying to catch his breathe. There was a sheen layer of cold sweat on his brow, and he lazily wiped it off with the back of his hand. 

“Motherfucker...” He muttered under his breathe. Kaine rolled onto his side, extending his arms to pull Cicero closer to him. But he was met with an empty bed. He raised an eyebrow in curiosity before sitting up right and climbing out of the warmth of his blankets. He lazily pulled on his pants, not bothering to even put his belt on as he walked out of the room shirtless. The halls were dimmer than usual, with only one torch lit per hall. Nazir always snuffed out most of the flames before everyone went to sleep, which meant it was still daylight. Kaine sighed as he tiredly walked down the long corridor, the sounds of light snores echoing from the side rooms. How long had he even slept? An hour? Two hours? And where was Cicero? 

Kaine’s bare feet silently padded against the cold cobblestone as he turned a corner. He had to admit the place looked a bit eerier than usual, and that was saying something. He almost felt out of place, like he wasn’t meant to be up and about at such a late hour. 

Kaine paused as he reached the end of the hall. He could hear a faint groan coming from the room on the left. The torture room. He rolled his eyes in annoyance. What were they moaning and groaning about now? Kaine walked up to the door, noticing it was slightly ajar. He irritatedly reached for the handle, about to tell the prisoners to shut the hell up. Then he heard something. 

“Please...w-why are you doing this?” A man pleaded pathetically. He then let out a sharp groan, as if he had just been wounded. 

Kaine silently retrieved his hand before moving to peep through the crack in the doorway. His eyes widened at what he saw. 

“I told you. I can’t sleep and I need you to entertain me~” Cicero said with a crazed giggle. He stood before the chained up man with his back to the door. Kaine swallowed thickly at the scene before him. The prisoner was displayed spread eagle, with just his undergarments on. From the looks of it, he was the only captive in the room. Cicero held up his infamous ebony dagger, lightly tracing it along the man’s jaw without breaking the skin. 

The man visibly flinched, straining his neck in a futile attempt to get as far away from the jester as possible. Cicero chuckled darkly before trailing his dagger further down, stopping at his shoulder. 

“Looks like you already have scars here...” Cicero muttered observantly. “And they’re fresh, too! Just barely scabbed over!” 

Kaine could only stare with lustful eyes, member already stiffening and starting to get hard in his pants. He considered barging inside and dragging his keeper back to their warm bed, but there was a part of him...A rather sadistic part, which wanted to see what Cicero would do to that poor, helpless prisoner. It thrilled him as he watched with fascination. 

The captive groaned and desperately yanked at his hands which were chained to the wall above him. “Goddammit, let me go you fucking psycho!” He yelled, face reddening with anger. 

Kaine gulped at that.  _ Wrong move, buddy.  _

Cicero said nothing, instead he traced his dagger casually along one of the man’s many scabbed over wounds. The man groaned and squeezed his eyes shut, turning his head away from the dagger so he wouldn’t have to watch. Cicero hummed a sweet little tune as he harshly gripped the prisoner’s chin with two fingers, smooshing his face and forcing him to look back at his own shoulder. 

“You get to watch!” He said cheerfully. And with that, he dug the dagger down and swiped, effectively reopening a rather large scar. The man shrieked in agony, squeezing his eyes shut against the pain and desperately thrashing in his confinements. Kaine almost felt pity for him, but what little pity was there quickly dissipated as his erection strained against his pants. 

Kaine glanced down at himself, a light blush overtaking him as he carefully slid his member out of his pants. He looked down the hall to make sure no one had woken up from all the commotion, before he remembered that the torture room was mostly sound proof. He quickly drew his attention back to the scene as the prisoner let out a particularly loud groan of pain. 

“a  _ fucking _ psycho,” Cicero reiterated what the poor man had said earlier, an amused smirk on his face. “I like the sound of that.” 

“N-no, gods, please no more..” The captive pleaded desperately. Kaine actually caught himself wince as he watched Cicero slice into yet another scar. Goddamn. 

“We’re done when I say we’re done,” Cicero said darkly. The man could only pant and writhe in response, his wrists turning red from the chafing of the chained cuffs.

Kaine let out a low, quiet moan as he carefully slid his hand over his length, spreading the pre-cum which had gathered at the tip. Was he _actually_ jerking off to this shit? Yes, yes he was. He watched as Cicero continued his work, relentlessly cutting into his captive. Kaine felt his face flush a deep red as he let out a shaky breathe. What if someone woke up and decided to wander down the hall? They would most certainly find him here, jerking off in the shadows like some kind of pervert. Kaine let out a soft groan at the thought of getting caught, the adrenaline quickly going to his head. This really shouldn’t turn him on as much as it did. 

“Looks like you’re finally starting to shut up!” Cicero’s tone was so innocent and cheery, but it only hid the darker undertones. The prisoner’s head hung low, his hands still straining against the chains. He hung there, covered in his own blood and sweat as Cicero giggled maniacally. 

Kaine bit into his hand in an attempt to muffle his moans as he worked himself over. His eyes kept darting from the hall back to the doorway. His paranoia certainly wasn’t doing him any favors, but it did make him harder with anticipation. 

“Won’t you join us, listener?” 

Kaine stilled his movements, frozen in place. Cicero turned around to face the door, making direct eye contact with Kaine through the crack and smirking menacingly. Kaine flushed as he stuffed his erection back into his pants, zipping them up the best he could in embarrassment. 

He sheepishly opened the door a bit before slipping inside and closing it behind him, awkwardly standing in front of Cicero. “So...this isn’t-“ Kaine tried to think of some kind of believable excuse, or some way to defend his actions. He let out a defeated sigh when he couldn’t think of anything. “Ok, this is _exactly_ what it looks like.” 

Cicero snickered as his gaze fell to the bulge in Kaine’s pants, desire evident in his persistent stare. Kaine’s eyes flickered from his keeper to the man still chained up behind him. 

The prisoner rose his head slightly, just enough to glare at Kaine through his messy bangs. He then glanced down to where Cicero was staring, and upon seeing the assassin’s obvious arousal hisexpression twisted into one of utter disgust. 

“You two better stay the  _ fuck _ away from me,” he practically growled. 

Cicero laughed and gave the man a crazed smile. “What’s your name, prisoner?” 

When the man only glared at him further, Cicero stepped towards him and playfully twirled his dagger in his hand. 

His eyes widened in horror as he flinched away. “O-okay, fine!” He started desperately. “My name’s Josh...”

Cicero hummed in response before turning back to his listener. Kaine stood right where he had left him. Cicero stepped forward until his face was inches away from Kaine’s. 

“Now...We do have to take care of this little problem of yours,” He whispered seductively as he cupped Kaine’s groin. “Don’t we?” 

Kaine’s blush quickly returned as his cock twitched against Cicero’s palm. “H-here..?” He whispered back, sparing a hesitant glance in Josh’s direction. 

“Mhm...” Cicero murmured before stealing Kaine’s lips in a gentle kiss. Kaine blinked nervously before lightly gliding his lips against Cicero’s. His eyes closed as he hesitantly reached up to grasp his keeper’s hair. He was trying his absolute best not to think about the Prisoner’s prying eyes as he did. 

Cicero pulled away from Kaine’s lips and eagerly began kissing down his neck, nipping and sucking along the way. Kaine felt Cicero grip his hips as he lowered himself onto his knees, kissing his stomach tenderly. 

Kaine’s eyes shot open as Cicero began undoing his pants. He had purposefully maneuvered him so that Kaine was standing facing Josh as Cicero leaned beneath him. The cheeky fucker. 

Kaine momentarily made eye contact with Josh before the man turned his head away, staring at the wall with a hateful expression on his face. He was grateful for that, the last thing he wanted was an audience, despite whatever Cicero had planned. Kaine moved his hands to grip Cicero’s hair as he pulled his length out of his pants and wrapped a hand around the base. He squeezed lightly, which made Kaine let out a shallow breathe with anticipation. 

“Did you enjoy the little show we put on for you listener?” Cicero asked calmly, his breathe hot against Kaine’s shaft as he spoke. Kaine shuddered slightly, blushing even more at the question. How long had Cicero been aware of his presence?? 

“I.. I did,” Kaine replied. He tried his best to match Cicero’s unbothered tone but he failed miserably. This only made the jester smirk as he squeezed his length, rubbing up and down firmly. 

“Of course you did!” Cicero said with a chuckle. He looked over his shoulder at Josh, “Our lovely listener here gets off on this sort of thing~”

Kaine’s eyes widened and he shook his head immediately, “N-no I don’t-“ he trailed off with a low moan as Cicero licked a long stripe up his aching member. Why the hell was he defending himself in front of a prisoner? It’s not like his opinion mattered. Regardless, Kaine’s whole face was red and hot from all the teasing. 

“So  shy ~” Cicero hummed. He placed a gentle kiss on the tip, poking his tongue out and digging it into the slit. Kaine hissed, gripping Cicero’s hair even tighter. He clasped a hand over his mouth in an effort to muffle his loud moan as Cicero took the head of his cock in his mouth. 

Kaine squeezed his eyes shut as Cicero’s hot, wet mouth engulfed him, tongue twirling around the head persistently before he popped off. Cicero smiled up at Kaine, still squeezing the base of his shaft. “Kaine, we’ve talked about this. Don’t muffle yourself,” Cicero said firmly. Kaine stared down at him, silently pleading with his eyes. When Cicero simply batted his eye lashes, Kaine gave up and peeled the hand away from his mouth reluctantly, resting it back on Cicero’s head. 

Cicero carefully spread his lips around the head once more, this time sliding down further. Kaine squeezed Cicero’s hair tightly, his knuckles practically turning white. He fought back the urge to face fuck him, knowing his keeper definitely wouldn’t allow it. Suddenly Cicero hollowed out his cheeks, sucking harshly. 

“F-fuck,” Kaine breathed, his heart beat thumping rapidly in his ears. Cicero hummed around him, the vibrations traveling up the shaft causing him to shiver. Kaine was so caught up in the pleasure he was in that he nearly forgot that there was another person in the room with them. He glanced over at Josh, and saw that the man had been watching him. 

“Like what you see, huh?” Kaine asked with a loud laugh. He surprised himself by how confident he sounded.  _I guess having your dick sucked will do that to you_ Kaine thought to himself. Josh blushed and quickly averted his gaze to stare at the wall again, his hair falling into his eyes. Cicero snickered around Kaine as he continued to bob his head up and down slowly. 

“ _ Fuck _ you’re good-“ Kaine muttered, his head falling back just a bit. It was getting difficult for him to stand upright with Cicero’s persistent mouth wrapped around him, squeezing and sucking like his life depended on it. Cicero squeezed Kaine’s hips in response, before slowly swallowing all the way down to the base. Kaine let out a low groan and somehow managed to tighten his grip on Cicero’s hair even more. 

“Keep that up and I’ll cum..” Kaine said with another moan. His eyes shot open as he felt Cicero remove himself with a wet pop. 

He squeezed Kaine lightly, teasingly pumping him with his hand as he smirked. 

“What do you think, Joshy? Should I let him cum?” Cicero asked innocently, glancing over his shoulder. Kaine felt his cheeks turn red again as his eyes widened in shock. 

“Why the hell are you asking  _ him _ ?” He asked quickly. Kaine was okay with Cicero determining his orgasms, but a stranger? A  _ prisoner _ ?? He mentally kicked himself for blushing as hard as he was. Just when he thought Cicero couldn’t manage to get any more twisted, he had proved him wrong. The jester was always full of surprises. Kaine gulped lightly at the thought. If Cicero acted this way normally...Then what would he do if Kaine ever disobeyed him? He desperately hoped he would never find out. 

Cicero ignored Kaine, instead focusing his attention on Josh. The man raised his head to look in their direction again, hatred in his eyes. It looked as though he was about to scream, or yell in anger. But instead he stayed calm. It seemed he was starting to finally catch on to the game. 

“No.” 

Cicero let out a light laugh at the Prisoner’s harsh tone. “Well aren’t you sadistic... _ I like that _ ,” he said the last part darkly, a menacing grin on his face. Kaine furrowed his brows in frustration as Cicero pulled away from his aching cock. He wasn’t sure if he could endure much more teasing, his erection was almost becoming painful. He waited for Cicero to tease him some more. But instead his keeper started stuffing Kaine’s weeping member back into his pants. 

“What the fuck are you doing?” Kaine asked desperately, a horrified look on his face. 

“Joshy said no, so you won’t cum tonight,” Cicero said with his sing song voice. He hummed playfully as he closed the zipper on Kaine’s pants. Cicero hopped back up to his feet, dusting himself off as he did. Kaine quickly shot Josh a menacing glare, his mouth shut in a thin line as his fists clenched. He knew that the prisoner was nothing more than a pawn in Cicero’s sick game, but he still hated the bastard for denying him his orgasm. Josh stared back at him with defiant eyes, which made Kaine growl lowly. 

Kaine suddenly lunged forward, snatching the dagger from Cicero’s hip and holding it up to Josh’s exposed neck. His eyes were dark, and full of bloodlust as he stared down at him, pushing the blade closer until it drew just a bit of blood. “You sly fucker,” he said lowly. Josh’s eyes widened in fear, his fists clenching in his restraints. 

Kaine let out a shallow breathe, readying himself to finish the job. 

“Calm down, Kaine,” Cicero murmured coolly. He had a hand on Kaine’s arm, gripping him gently. Kaine glared at him, before his gaze softened and he yanked his arm away. Josh let out a sharp breathe and panted lightly as his head fell forward, tears stinging the corners of his eyes. 

“I think Joshy here has had enough for the day,” Cicero said with a dark chuckle. He winked at the tied up man before grabbing Kaine’s hand and guiding him out of the room. 

Kaine scowled as they walked down the hall, still gripping Cicero’s dagger in his hand angrily. “Why didn’t you let me kill him?” He asked, trying his best to not sound agitated. 

Cicero let out a small giggle before reaching out his hand expectantly. Kaine grumbled as his handed him the dagger, averting his gaze. 

“Because Nazir has plans for him,” Cicero said casually. Kaine raised an eyebrow at that. 

“What plans?” He asked as they turned a corner. 

Cicero shrugged, seemingly unbothered by the question. “Don’t know, don’t care~” he hummed playfully. 

Kaine sighed as he felt his still aching member press against his pants persistently.

It was gonna be a long day. 


	2. New pet

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two updates in one day! I know, Crazy right?

Kaine lazily began to pull on his armor. Cicero had made him go to sleep after their little encounter with the prisoner, and he actually woke up feeling refreshed for once. He smiled at the still sleeping jester. He always looked so peaceful and content, even as he snored lightly. He was glad that Cicero was finally sleeping in for once, he was usually awake by nightfall. Kaine sighed as he pulled on his boots and left the room, silently closing the door behind him. 

He silently made his way into the main living area, looking for something to stop the rumbling in his stomach. Kaine smiled when he saw Nazir cooking something at his pot. 

“Can I have some of that?” He asked with a laugh. Nazir spared him a knowing glance before he nodded towards the table. “Go get a bowl,” he said nonchalantly. 

Kaine followed his directions, turning on his heel to walk up to the table. He reached over and grabbed one of the wooden bowls, being careful not to bump the frightened mage who was sitting there. 

Wait...What? 

Kaine froze where he was, hand still extended over the table before the small man. He almost didn’t recognize him. 

“Nazir, why the hell is the prisoner sitting at our table?” He asked, eyes still burning into Josh’s face. Josh gulped and averted his gaze, pulling the sleeves of his blue mage robes over his hands.

Nazir let out a deep chuckle as he stirred the stew he had been cooking up. “Didn’t Cicero tell you I had plans?” 

Kaine scowled, his brows furrowing with suspicion. “You know I hate being kept in the dark-“ he started but Nazir cut him off. 

“I abducted the kid from the college of winterhold,” Nazir said casually, not bothering to so much as glance in Kaine’s direction. “I tied him up to make sure he wouldn’t try to escape.” 

Kaine hissed at that, stepping towards Nazir angrily. 

“Why did you let him out?? He could attack us right now if he wanted to,” Kaine questioned him persistently. “Or he could run off to one of the Dawnstar guards!” 

Nazir sighed and stood, meeting Kaine’s gaze as though he was some sort of disobedient child. “He hasn’t done either of those things,” he said coolly. “Besides, he is an apprentice of Restoration magic, I figured we could use a healer.” 

“That’s what we have Babette for, she makes healing potions,” Kaine argued. He felt his anger dissipating slightly. He trusted Nazir, the man had always been a sort of father figure to him. But he was still suspicious. 

“I...I can enchant things too,” Josh spoke softly, as if Kaine was a ticking time bomb about to go off. Kaine turned to glower at him, his gaze harsh and cold. 

“See?” Nazir said with an amused laugh. “He can  _ enchant _ things.” 

Kaine frowned, not finding the situation the least bit funny. Nazir stopped laughing and returned to his usual serious expression. 

“We haven’t had a mage in our ranks since Gabriella and Festus, Kaine.” 

Kaine stared at him in disbelief. 

“You’re not actually considering recruiting him as an initiate...” He said slowly. 

Nazir scoffed. “Absolutely not, the man couldn’t hurt a fly if he tried.” 

Josh just sat there as the two argued over his fate. Nazir had taken him out of his confinements that evening and allowed him to get dressed. He swallowed as he remembered the threat Nazir had given him. 

Kaine shook his head lightly as he raised a hand to his temple. “How old are you?” He asked suddenly. Josh’s head shot up as he realized he had been asked a question. 

“Nineteen winters...”He answered quietly. 

Kaine’s face flushed as he remembered the event which had transpired mere hours ago. Josh was definitely younger than him, and from the looks of it he probably didn’t have much sexual experience. Meanwhile Cicero and Kaine were well into their 20s. Did they corrupt the poor kid’s innocence with their little show? Kaine rolled his eyes at the thought. He should have just killed him when he had the chance. 

“Alright, whatever. He can stay,” Kaine said with a scowl. 

Josh let out a sigh of relief and went to adjust the hood on his head to hide more of his face. He was stopped by a cool sensation under his chin. He looked down in horror as he saw an all too familiar ebony dagger under his chin, tilting it up slowly. Kaine gradually forced Josh to meet his gaze before leaning in closer.

“One wrong move...And I’ll finish what I started,” he said. His voice was lower than Josh was used to and he gulped heavily before giving a weak nod. 

Kaine slowly drew the blade away and sheathed the dagger at his hip. He spared Nazir one last look before turning and walking down the hall. 

Josh let out a shaky breathe he hadn’t realized he had been holding in and held his hands to his chest. He tried to make himself as small as possible in the chair, scared that some scary assassin would appear out of nowhere and slit his throat for no reason. He lightly rubbed his wrists through his robes. He had healed them mostly but the ache was still there from all the chafing they had gone through. 

“You hungry, kid?” Nazir asked. His deep voice startled Josh, making him jump slightly in his seat. 

“W-what?” He asked, hating himself for stuttering so much. 

Nazir frowned and handed him a bowl of stew instead of repeating the question. Josh’s gaze flickered from Nazir’s stern face to the bowl before he hesitantly took it. 

“Thanks..” He said quietly, unsure of how to respond. Nazir shrugged nonchalantly and moved to sit down across from him. Josh carefully placed the bowl on the table, reaching for a spoon and eagerly digging in. He had been practically starved since he left the college, and the stew slid soothingly down his throat. 

“I heard Cicero gave you a run for your money, huh?” Nazir said as he crossed his arms. Josh visibly flinched at the mention of the crazed jester’s name. Kaine was intimidating, that much was true. But Cicero was something else entirely. The way he had cut into his body, had made him scream in agony as if it was the funnest thing in the world to him. Josh squeezed his eyes shut at the memory and lowered his head, hoping that Nazir wouldn’t question him further. 

Nazir chuckled at Josh’s reaction. “Relax, kid. He’s not gonna hurt you anymore.” 

Josh raised an eyebrow at that, questioning Nazir’s certainty. “But Kaine said im not a member,” he said quietly. 

Nazir shook his head, “first off, don’t refer to him by name. He is the listener, Cicero is the keeper. And I am the speaker,” he said with that same hauntingly deep voice. “Secondly, you may not be an official member but you are of use to us. We’re not going to damage you.” 

Josh averted his gaze at that. The way Nazir spoke to him rubbed him the wrong way. He said ‘damage’ as if Josh were nothing more than an object. A tool for them to use at their disposal. And listener? Keeper? Speaker? What the hell did any of that even mean? He brushed it off as some sort of ranking system, deciding not to waste any more time worrying about it. 

“...And what happens if I stop being useful?” Josh asked hesitantly. Nazir just stared at him with that same unreadable expression. Josh gulped and nodded. He understood. 

“It’s about time we got a healer, I’ve been growing rather tired of making healing potions,” A small, feminine voice spoke from behind Josh’s shoulder. He jumped in his seat, immediately turning his head to find the source. What he saw made him furrow his brows in confusion. There was a small girl standing before him. She was unbelievably pale and her eyes were inhumanely dark. 

“W-who are you?” Josh asked. He briefly worried that perhaps he wasn’t the only captive in the sanctuary. He leaned forward a bit and whispered, “did they kidnap you too?” 

The girl let out a loud, shrill laugh before going to sit beside Nazir. 

“I’m older than you,” she said with that same childish voice. “300 winters older, at least.” 

Josh’s mouth fell open in shock. How was that even possible? 

Nazir sighed, “he’s a bit slow,” he muttered to the girl. Josh frowned at that but didn’t say anything to defend himself. 

“You may call me Babette,” she said calmly. “I’m a vampire.” 

Josh blinked in disbelief. How could any of this be real?? Part of him wished he would wake up any second from this nightmare. He had even pinched himself a couple times to make sure this wasn’t all just a terrible dream. But unfortunately, this was very much reality.  _ His _ reality. And he needed to get used to it if he was going to survive. 

“Okay...” Josh said quietly. He had no idea how he was supposed to respond. What was he supposed to say? ‘Nice to meet you’??? They had literally abducted him from his bed at the college and now they were talking to him as if it had never happened. 

“Hm. I see what you mean, Nazir,” Babette started casually. “He  is a bit slow.” 

Nazir snorted in response. All Josh could do was just sit there in silence. He could take verbal abuse no problem, it was better than what Cicero had put him through in the torture chamber. He grimaced at the thought, desperately hoping he would never have to set foot in that room for the rest of his days. However limited they may be. 

______

Josh followed Babette as she led him into a small, dimly lit room. It was in the back of the sanctuary, and Josh silently feared that he wouldn’t be able to find his way back to the main area alone. The place was like a never ending maze. There was a small bed in the corner of the room, with a nightstand slumped next to it. Josh raised an eyebrow at that, he had half expected them to force him to sleep on the floor. His gaze flickered to the enchantment table across from the bed and his eyes widened. 

“This is our enchantment room,” Babette said casually. “I had them move a bed in here for you since this is where you’ll be spending most of your time .” 

Josh nodded lightly before walking over to the table. It certainly wasn’t the set up he was used to back at the college, but it was better than nothing. He crouched down and pulled a basket out from underneath it. It was full of common and lesser soul gems. They gleamed and shined with the souls which resided inside. He smiled when he spotted a few greater soul gems near the back. 

“I’m surprised you don’t have a lot of black soul gems filled,” Josh observed. He surprised himself by how calm he sounded. 

“Why is that?” Babette asked, tilting her head to the side curiously. 

Josh swallowed and rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. “Well... black soul gems can only be filled with human souls, and don’t you kill humans all the time? Isn’t that like... your thing?” 

Babette stared at him for a long moment before laughing loudly. 

“Didn’t you listen to a word Nazir said?? We don’t have any mages here,” She said with an amused smile on her face. “That’s why we stole you.” 

Josh gulped at that. Again, they were talking to him as if he was an object. 

“Nazir mentioned you make potions...?” Josh asked quietly. 

Babette smirked proudly. “Yup! I’ve been experimenting with ingredients for centuries, I’d say I’m the best alchemist in all of skyrim.” 

Josh nodded, trying to think of something to say. He didn’t want the conversation to end because then he would be all alone in this creepy place. Out of everyone he had come across so far, Babette seemed to be the least threatening. 

“Can...can you show me some?” Josh inquired. “Of your potions, I mean” 

Babette smiled at him, showing the tips of her fangs which made Josh flinch. 

“Yes! I’ll show you my station, follow me.” 

Josh managed to give her a weak smile before he followed her out the door. He tried his best to remember the path back to his room, but the many twists and turns disoriented him. Babette on the other hand walked around the halls like she owned the place. 

“My station is up stairs,” She said nonchalantly. Josh followed her up the steps, taking note that they had passed the main area along the way. He was grateful that he hadn’t come across that Listener guy again, or even worse, the Keeper. Babette pointed towards an alchemy table in the corner of the second floor. Josh walked over to it, gazing up at the large bookshelf full of strange ingredients. It was crammed full, but it wasn’t messy. He could clearly see that it was organized chaos. He glanced over at an even bigger shelf full of unfamiliar potions. 

“I’ve been making all kinds of cool poisons,” Babette said smugly as she plucked a bottle from the shelf. Josh stared at the strange vial warily. It was filled with an ominous black liquid. He kind of wanted to ask her what it did, but decided against it. He was never really one for potions anyway. 

Josh turned around to take in his surroundings. He hadn’t really had the chance to do so yet, he had been too frightened to. He carefully walked into the center of the room, and his eyes were drawn to a peculiar coffin on the other side. 

“...What’s that?” Josh asked, still staring at the weird thing. 

“That’s our lovely night mother!” 

Josh froze in place at the familiar voice. It certainly wasn’t Babette. He stood there, not daring to so much as glance over his shoulder. He felt petrified, like he couldn’t move if he tried. 

Cicero practically skipped in front of him, pointing to the night mother. “Isn’t she beautiful?” He asked sweetly. 

All Josh could do was stare, his face going pale and his heart pounding in his ears. Cicero tilted his head expectantly. 

“I...” Josh stammered out. He somehow managed to avert his gaze, reaching with shaky hands to pull his hood up over his face. Cicero stared at him for a long moment before laughing and placing a gloved hand on his shoulder. Josh flinched immediately, but stayed in place. He desperately wanted to turn and run down the stairs, but he knew that wouldn’t be a smart idea. 

Cicero gripped him lightly, before grazing his thumb over the exposed skin of Josh’s collarbone. Josh shivered as he felt the hard worn leather brush against him and slide his robes slightly off his shoulder. He turned his head away and squeezed his eyes shut, apprehensive for whatever Cicero was about to do. He was surprised when all the jester did was trace his thumb over one of Josh’s scabbed over cuts. 

“So it’s true then...” Cicero murmured. “You can heal yourself with your magic.” 

Josh forced himself to nod, afraid that if he stood there motionless for too long Cicero would be angry with him. He spared a look at the man before him. He appeared to be less tired than he had been when he first saw him. Josh remembered being awoken by the murderous jester only to be tortured by him. He shivered, every fiber in his being screaming at him to get away from his touch. But he forced himself to stand his ground. 

Cicero stared at him before snickering and pulling his hand away. 

“We had a pet like you back in our other sanctuary,” he said nonchalantly. Josh frowned at the term ‘pet’. 

“...Was he a mage too?” He asked quietly. He couldn’t look the man in the eye no matter how hard he tried to. 

Cicero smiled warmly and giggled.“She was a frostbite spider named Lis!” 

Josh flushed lightly with frustration, his mouth pulled into a thin line. Did he just compare him to an  _ animal _ ? 

Cicero reached up and patted Josh’s head affectionately before walking past him. “I’ll see you around, Joshy!” 

Josh swallowed thickly. 

_What the fuck_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you guys think so far! Your comments are the only things encouraging me to write 😂


	3. Dawnstar

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The trio takes a little detour...

Josh frantically walked down the halls of the sanctuary, peeking his head around random corners. He had forgotten where his room was, just as he predicted. He meant to ask Babette to show him the way again, but she had disappeared at some point within the night. And he was far too afraid to ask Nazir. So, there he was. Hopelessly roaming the long corridors. He had come across a training room which was interesting. Josh found that every time he walked down these halls he ended up discovering something new. 

“You lost?” 

Josh startled at the smooth voice, jumping a little as he looked around. His eyes settled on Kaine, who was leaning casually against a far wall with his arms crossed. 

“U-um...yeah, a little bit,” He answered hesitantly. 

Kaine’s eyes seemed to bore into him with an unreadable expression. His unrelenting stare roamed from Josh’s face, down to his body and back. Josh blushed as he was looked over and averted his gaze, fiddling with his hands nervously. He quickly remembered the day he had spent in the torture room... when he had to watch Kaine’s face twisted in pleasure... and then when he told Cicero to deny his orgasm. He wasn’t sure why he did it exactly. It was partially because he didn’t want Cicero to cut him again if he didn’t give some sort of answer and play his game. But it was mostly out of hatred for the two of them. He had wanted Kaine to suffer in some way as revenge, and so he took whatever little control Cicero had given him and exploited it. He hadn’t expected to live through that night, so he wanted to take whatever revenge he could get. Now he was afraid he would have to pay for his decision...Every time Kaine interacted with him Josh was afraid he was being tested. 

“I’ll help you find your room,” Kaine said flatly. He kicked off from the wall and began walking, not bothering to make sure that Josh was following him. Josh quickly joined him, being careful to stay a bit behind. Kaine was so much taller than him, Cicero was too. He had felt so small when he was displayed before them in that room, arms spread wide for them to see. He shook his head lightly as if to get the memory out of his thoughts. 

Josh tried to focus on the route Kaine was leading him through. He didn’t want to have to ask for help twice. He let out a soft yawn, reaching his hand up to muffle it politely. Ever since he had been abducted from the college, he had been forced to adopt a night schedule. Now he had to sleep during the day and be awake at night with everyone else. It gave him jet lag at first, but now he could barely make it to sunrise without falling asleep. 

Kaine stopped abruptly, causing Josh to slam into his back. “F-fuck!” Josh grunted as he slipped and fell forward. His eyes widened as he realized what he had done and he quickly retreated, smoothing out his robes awkwardly. “Sorry...” he muttered. 

Kaine glared at him over his shoulder, but said nothing. Instead he held the door open to Josh’s room. He sheepishly tucked a stray hair behind his ear before slowly stepping in. He sighed as he heard the door click. Finally, some peace and quiet. 

“What the fuck am I supposed to do now,” He muttered to himself as he went to sit on the bed. 

“Why don’t you start by telling me why you haven’t tried to escape yet.” 

Josh’s head shot up and his eyes widened as he realized Kaine was still in the room with him. He flushed slightly, fiddling with the hem of his robes. 

“Sorry, I didn’t know you were still in here-“ he started quietly. Kaine rolled his eyes at that. 

“I don’t want a goddamn apology, I want an answer.” 

Josh stared up at him through his bangs before quickly looking away. Kaine’s stare was so menacing he had made it a habit of avoiding eye contact all together. 

“Well...If I try to run, won’t you just catch me?” Josh asked. He tried to make his voice sound as calm as it did when he spoke to Babette, but he failed miserably. No matter what he did, his voice always ended up making him sound small and weak when he spoke to Kaine or Cicero. 

Kaine chuckled at that. “Aw, but don’t you think it’s worth a shot?” He asked, his voice sounded challenging. Josh swallowed thickly, choosing his next words carefully. 

“If I ran...” he started slowly. “Then you and Cic...I-I mean, you and the keeper would just hunt me down.” 

Kaine raised an eyebrow, crossing his arms against his chest. “And what do you think we would do once we found you, hm?” 

Josh raised his thumb and his index finger to his lip, picking at the skin there anxiously. “Then...Then you would torture me again.” 

Kaine snorted and ran a hand through his own hair, laughing lightly. “We wouldn’t torture you, kid. We would kill you on the spot.” 

Josh’s eyes widened at that and he accidentally picked his lip too roughly, drawing a bit of blood. 

“You know too much now. You know where our sanctuary is located, you know all of our identities. We would be fools to keep you alive if you attempted to escape,” Kaine’s words were casual, as if he was merely discussing the weather. He stepped forward, taking slow strides. Josh’s expression changed to one of fear as he stumbled further up the bed until his back hit the wall. He silently wished he could just evaporate away as Kaine leaned down, gripping Josh’s chin tightly in his hand. “ _ You’re replaceable _ .”

Josh was forced to look into the listener’s icy blue gaze. His stare was just as harsh as his words. Josh averted his eyes once more, trying his best to not give any signs of defiance. 

“I...I won’t try to run... Listener,” He said softly. 

Kaine smiled as he released Josh’s chin. He immediately reached up to run his hands along the abused flesh, and was glad to find that Kaine hadn’t left a bruise. 

“I’m glad we’re on the same page,” Kaine said as he opened the door. “Rest up.” 

And then, he was gone. 

Josh let out a long breathe, trying to desperately slow down his heart beat which was pounding in his ears. He cupped his hand over his mouth in a sad attempt to muffle his harsh breathes which came out of him. 

“D-dammit...” he whispered as he squeezed his eyes shut. He could feel another one of his panic attacks coming on, fast. Josh carefully lowered himself onto the bed, pulling the blanket around himself tightly as a choked sob escaped him. He laid there, crying into his hand in broken gasps as tears slipped down his cheeks. He began to curl himself into a ball, trying to make himself as small as possible. He still had his boots on, but he didn’t care. He was truly trapped there, wasn’t he? At first he had considered the possibility of him escaping. Of returning to the college and getting the chance to laugh with his friends again. Josh cried harder as he realized his friends were probably worried sick about him. Odmund and J’zargo probably went to wake him up one day and discovered that he wasn’t there. What if they thought that he abandoned them? 

Josh let out a shaky breathe, holding the blanket to his chest and burying his face into it. He wasn’t cut out for this kind of shit. If he wanted to be put in situations like this then he would’ve become an adventurer. All he wanted to do with his life was pursue restoration and actually help people with his magic. He had often fantasized about becoming a teacher at the college, or even just settling down in a pretty city like solitude. He had never caused anyone harm in his life. So why was this all happening to him? It didn’t make any fucking sense. Josh grumbled against the blanket, running a hand through his hair in frustration. A part of him wished Cicero hadn’t stopped Kaine when he had tried to kill him. It would have spared him from experiencing all of this pain. 

He sighed as his thoughts began to quiet. There was no point in running. He had to stay. 

______

Josh sat at his usual place at the table. He knew that he could walk around whenever he wanted to, but he was too anxious. He was afraid that he might accidentally walk into a forbidden room or something and get in trouble for it, so he mostly stuck to what he knew. He had been in the sanctuary for at least four days now, maybe five. It hadn’t even been a week yet and he was already unbelievably home sick. Josh held his hands together tightly in his lap. He hadn’t been outside in what felt like ages. He desperately wanted to run out and feel the sunshine on his face. He thought back to all the times he had taken his freedom for granted, back before he was captured. 

“I could hear you crying last night,” Babette said casually. She had lurked into the room at some point without Josh noticing. 

“Y-you what?” Josh asked, completely mortified. 

Babette simply shrugged, “I’m a vampire, remember? I can practically hear everything.”

Josh blushed, raising a hand to cover his mouth in embarrassment. 

“Fuck I’m so sorry-“ he started, but was interrupted by Babette’s laugh. 

“You’re apologizing for crying?” She asked, an amused smirk on her face. Josh sighed, “well...yeah?” 

Babette laughed again before reaching over and flicking him on the forehead playfully. “You’re so weird,” she said before waltzing away. 

Josh just sat there and rubbed his forehead, still wondering what the fuck had just happened. He sat there for what felt like hours before his boredom got the best of him and he decided to get up and walk around again. 

He soon found himself upstairs, making his way towards that strange coffin once more. Josh hadn’t gotten the chance to get a good look at it the last time he tried to. He frowned as he remembered his encounter with the keeper. 

He stood before it, a dazzled expression on his face. There was a corpse standing up right, which he guessed made sense since it was a coffin. It appeared to be the corpse of a woman, though it wasn’t rotting thankfully. It didn’t even smell. Josh’s gaze fell to the floor. There were a bunch of candles lit at the woman’s feet, along with a couple of mountain flowers. Was it some kind of shrine? He quickly recalled what the keeper had called her... the ‘night mother’. 

Josh had noticed a lot when he was at his place at the table. He had watched carefully to observe the behaviors of the assassins, and his chosen seat was the perfect place to do so. He had observed that no one ever really stood before the night mother except for the keeper. He thought he saw the listener go over there briefly once, but he wasn’t certain. 

Josh sighed as he turned on his heel, deciding to return to the main area. He paused when he spotted Nazir across the room. 

“H-hello... Speaker,” Josh tried his best to address everyone by their titles. But he did it out of fear rather than respect. 

“Hm,” Nazir grunted in response as he leaned over a peculiar map on a desk. Josh flinched as he stabbed an iron dagger into it. 

“I...I wanted to ask you something,” Josh said quietly. Nazir didn’t even spare him a glance, still studying the map before him with a look of intense concentration. 

When he got no response, Josh gulped and decided to test his luck. “I was wondering if I’ll ever be granted permission to go outside..?” 

Nazir let out a deep laugh, standing up straight and glaring down at the small mage before him. 

“Tell me kid, what is it about me that makes you think I’d be open to negotiating the terms of your stay here?” He asked, his velvety voice seemed to rumble in Josh’s ears. 

Josh furrowed his brows and looked away. He started picking his nails nervously before he finally found the courage to speak up. 

“I just thought because I’m... Well, you said I’m not a prisoner anymore... A-and I’m the sanctuary healer so...” He stumbled over his words, seemingly unable to stick to just one reason. He felt like face palming at how pathetic he sounded. It frustrated him that he couldn’t properly execute his thoughts. 

“You’re giving me second-hand embarrassment,” Nazir said flatly. Josh felt himself blush as he rubbed his arm awkwardly. Nazir spared him one last look before letting out a long sigh. 

“Cicero likes to go into the market sometimes,” he said lightly, crossing his arms. “Do with that information what you will.” 

Josh could only stare up at him with wide eyes. He knew there was no way he would be permitted to leave without a chaperone, but why did it have to be that crazy jester of all people?? He would much rather go into the market place with Babette and shop for alchemy ingredients.But then again, Babette couldn’t go out in the sun while the shops were open due to her... condition. Josh shook his head lightly. “Thank you..” he muttered before hurriedly walking in the opposite direction. He could suffer through the keeper’s company if it meant finally getting out of this hell hole, couldn’t he? 

Josh made his way up the stairs again, hoping that he would get a chance to talk to cicero. He had been avoiding the jester like the plague... until now, that is. He let out a sigh of relief as he spotted the man in his usual spot before the night mother. He was talking to the corpse in a hushed tone, humming lightly as he adjusted her bandages.Usually Josh would be too afraid to approach him outright like this, but if it meant getting a taste of freedom, he would do just about anything. 

“Uhm...K-keeper?” He practically squeaked. Fuck, why did he always sound so goddamn meek? 

Cicero snapped his head up, his eyes finding the Breton with an unreadable expression. Josh gulped lightly as the jester suddenly hopped up, a large grin on his face. 

“Joshy! I wondered where our little pet was hiding, I was beginning to think that you had run away,” Cicero said cheerfully. He stood inches away from Josh, leaning down to talk to him with his hands clasped behind his back. Josh played with the hem of his sleeves, pulling them over his hands nervously. There he was calling him his pet again. It made him sick to his stomach. 

“W-what? No, I didn’t run,” He said quietly. He touched a hand to his head and sighed at his own stupidity. Of course he didn’t run away, he was standing right in front of the man. _Way to state the obvious, Josh._

Cicero smiled warmly, reaching up to Pat Josh’s head. “That’s right, you didn’t run away! Because you’re a _good boy_ , aren’t you Joshy?” 

Josh’s whole face turned red. He opened his mouth to reply but all the came out was a weak “i...”

The way he spoke to him, and patted his head like that... it was like he thought Josh was some kind of puppy. He pulled his hood over his face more in an attempt to hide his burning cheeks. Cicero just stared at him with that same happy gaze. Josh was beginning to think the man was bipolar or something. 

“I wanted to ask...” Josh started slowly. He tried his best to sound as calm as he could but there was still a light stammer in his voice. 

Cicero tilted his head in curiosity. Josh swallowed thickly. 

“C-can I go with you? To the market?” 

He quickly squeezed his eyes shut and turned his head away after he asked the question. He was afraid of the reaction he would get but was surprised when he heard the jester giggle fondly. 

“Of course you can!” He practically cheered. Cicero reached forward and gripped both of Josh’s shoulders in his hands, leaning down to make direct eye contact with him. 

“We’re gonna have so much fun!” 

______

Cicero hummed and skipped beside Kaine, the two of them walked down the snowy path which led from the sanctuary to the Dawnstar village. Josh trailed close behind, trying his best to keep up with their long strides. They had just left the sanctuary not too long ago, and Kaine had insisted on accompanying them. He had pulled Cicero aside to speak privately before they both escorted Josh outside. Josh smiled as he felt the sun shining down on his face. It had been days since he had even felt the wind blow through his hair. He was going to enjoy it while it lasted. He had never been to Dawnstar before. When Nazir had abducted him, he had used some kind of drug to keep Josh unconscious as he was transported from the college. he had not been awake for any of the traveling they had done. Josh was born and raised in Winterhold, and he had only ever traveled to Windhelm during his lifetime. As soon as he was old enough he enrolled with the college and dedicated himself to his craft, so there really wasn’t much time for traveling. Josh sighed as he held his up his hand in an effort to shield himself from the sun’s persistent rays. It was about afternoon, so the sun was at its peak in the sky. He winced and pulled his hood further over his head. 

“We’re here, Joshy!” Cicero called as he stopped abruptly. Josh’s eyes widened as he nearly stumbled into the two assassins, but he quickly regained his composure. He looked around at his surroundings, taking it all in. There were a bunch of houses and a couple of shops, each of which were covered with snow. A couple ofcitizens walked down the street, along with a few guards. Dawnstar certainly wasn’t much to look at, but it did remind Josh of Winterhold which made him smile lightly. God he missed his home town. 

Kaine stared at Josh’s amazed expression before rolling his eyes. “It’s really not that great,” he said sarcastically. 

Josh shot his head up at that, snapping out of his trance. “Oh, well...I like it..” he replied hesitantly. He never really knew how to talk to Kaine. Every one of their encounters had been full of threats and challenges. He couldn’t say he blamed him, Kaine certainly had a reason to hold a grudge. But one thing Josh was grateful for was that the listener was predictable. He always had the same scowl on his face, that same sarcastic, condescending tone. Meanwhile, Cicero was entirely unpredictable. One minute he was torturing Josh and the next he was praising him. He was crazed, and appeared to be a bit insane. The two were complete opposites. And yet somehow Josh was less afraid to ask Cicero questions than he was with Kaine. Kaine was always cold, harsh even. Josh had seen Cicero be harsh, that much was true. But he had also been rather...kind to him lately. He had yet to see Kaine’s soft side. He doubted he ever would. 

Cicero snickered at Kaine before smiling down at Josh and grabbing his arm. “Come on Joshy, we’re going to the general store!” 

He said it like it was the funnest thing in the world. Josh smiled sheepishly before Cicero practically dragged him up the street. Kaine walked beside them, seemingly unbothered by the whole ordeal. 

“Im so hungry...I want a sweet roll...or a carrot,” Cicero muttered to himself with a pout. 

Kaine sighed, “you and your damn carrots.” 

Josh struggled to keep up with Cicero’s fast pace, the keeper still gripping his arm tightly. He looked at the signs hanging from the different shops, and was relieved to see the familiar general store symbol. Kaine walked ahead of them to hold the door open as they all let themselves inside. 

It was a small, quaint little shop. There were a couple of shelves here and there, all filled with the most random things. Josh couldn’t imagine that many people travelled to Dawnstar, which explained why there wasn’t a big selection to choose from. Cicero immediately released his hold on Josh and rushed over to the counter, eyeballing a bowl of sweet rolls. Josh found it utterly horrifying that the jester had literally put him through hell mere days ago, and now he was acting like some kid in a candy shop. He certainly was unpredictable. 

“Just passing through again?” The shopkeeper asked. She spoke to them as if they were some kind of traveling adventurers. 

“We sure are,” Cicero said with a cheeky smile. Josh figured they had to act like travelers in order to conceal the location of their sanctuary. The citizens of Dawnstar had a literal band of assassins sitting right under their noses, and they didn’t have the slightest idea. He felt so bad for them.

“We’ll take two sweet rolls! One for me, and one for our friend here,” Cicero said with a light giggle. He handed the woman a few septims in exchange for the rolls. She happily took them, shoving the change in her pocket. 

“Safe travels!” She called after them as they made their exit. Cicero handed Josh a bundled up sweet roll before eagerly digging into his own. Josh took it hesitantly, unsure of how to react. 

“You don’t like sweet rolls?” Josh asked curiously as he spared a glance towards Kaine. Kaine huffed in response. 

“I don’t like sweets,” he said simply.Josh nodded. He carefully undid a bit of the wrapping and took a small bite, chewing the cake carefully. He saw that Cicero had stopped to watch him, a smile on his face. 

“Aw, so cute,” he said warmly. He reached out and pinched one of Josh’s cheeks playfully. Josh flinched, jerking himself away out of instinct. Cicero stared at him with wide eyes. The man almost looked offended. Josh just gulped and pulled his hood further over his head, worried that he had angered the jester once again.

“Oh! That’s what we’ll call him, Kaine,” Cicero started, his cheerful tone had returned as if nothing had happened. “We’ll call him sweet roll! Our little sweet roll~”

Josh blushed lightly, his brows furrowing. He was comparing him to  _ food _ now?? What the hell was with this guy?

“ _I’m not your toy_ ,” Josh snapped. He amazed himself by how his voice didn’t waver, but he immediately regretted opening his mouth at all. The last thing he needed was to anger either of them again. Kaine glanced at Josh out of the corner of his eye as they walked, and Josh could have sworn he saw an amused smirk on his face. 

“Ah, but toys are meant to be played with! And we enjoy playing with you,” Cicero replied with that same care-free tone. He spoke the words bluntly, despite their hidden meaning. Josh could only look down at the ground, unable to look Kaine or Cicero in the eye. It seemed every day they found a new way to talk down to him.. to humiliate him... to dehumanize him. He was starting to get fed up with it. 

“But don’t worry, I take  good care of my toys...” Cicero said lowly. Josh flushed even more, rubbing his hands together anxiously. Cicero snickered and pinched his cheek again, as if to emphasize his point. This time, Josh forced himself not to flinch away, or even react. Cicero’s face slowly twisted into a proud grin. Kaine was silent the whole time, walking beside them with a stoic and quiet energy. 

“Somebody!! Please help!” A woman’s shrill scream hung in the air. It seemed everyone in the street stopped whatever they were doing and ran towards the source. Josh had stopped walking, along with Cicero and Kaine. He yelped as a guard barged past him, falling backwards slightly as their shoulders briefly collided. Cicero and Kaine began to speak to each other in a hushed whisper, the keeper reaching out to grip Josh’s shoulder again in an effort to steady him. Josh ignored them, trying his best to squint past the hoard of people and see what the commotion was all about. His eyes widened when he spotted a man bleeding on the ground across the street, an arrow protruding out of his stomach. Josh immediately pulled himself out of Cicero’s grip and started running. He vaguely heard Cicero call after him but he tuned him out, focusing solely on the task at hand. 

“Move out of my way! I’m a healer,” Josh demanded loudly as he attempted to weed his way through the crowd. The citizens desperately formed a path for him, and Josh’s face saddened as he saw the shop keeper leaning over the bleeding man. 

“Please...He’s my husband,” she said, tears welling up in her eyes as she cradled the unconscious man’s head in her hands. Josh let out a shaky breathe as he joined her on the ground, reaching for the arrow. 

“Wait, won’t he bleed out?” One of the citizens asked quickly, concern evident in their voice. 

“No,” Josh replied quietly. He carefully pulled out the arrow from the man’s stomach, wincing as he did. The shop keeper let out a broken sob and turned her head away, unable to watch. Once the arrow was out he quickly extended his hands, summoning a healing spell. The townspeople watched with fascination as a warm yellow light surrounded Josh. He gently extended his palms against the victim’s torso, allowing his magic to do its work. 

The man woke up with a startle, breathing harshly. The people began to whisper amongst themselves as the shop keeper stared up at Josh with fond eyes. 

“T-thank you..” She whispered. Josh gave her a light smile before he rose to his feet, awkwardly turning on his heel to leave. 

He frowned when he spotted Kaine and Cicero where he had left them. They hadn’t even bothered to follow him, They just stood there, watching as Josh made his way back. 

“What the  _ hell _ were you thinking? Running off like that-“ Kaine started angrily. He gripped Josh’s upper arm, yanking him forward as he began walking again. Cicero followed close behind, being strangely quiet. “I told you, I’m a healer,” Josh said stubbornly in an attempt to defend himself. But Kaine only laughed. 

“You’re _our_ healer. Not the healer of Dawnstar.” 

Josh chose not to reply, probably the smartest decision he’d ever made. He allowed Kaine to continue guiding him towards the sanctuary, glancing back at the town as he did. A small smile formed on his lips as he spotted a ship had arrived at the docks. 

_ Maybe he would be able to plan his escape after all.  _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Joshy what have you gotten yourself into this time- 
> 
> The next chapter gets good 👀  
> If you comment or leave a kudos I would literally die for you


	4. Dark past, darker future

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Brace yourselves...

Josh sat on his bed, staring off into the distance blankly. How was he going to do this? His little trip to the town had allowed him to study his whereabouts, which gave him a slight advantage. Now when he made his escape he wouldn’t be doing so blindly. He had a good idea of where everything was located, including the dock. He knew that Dawnstar was in the same hold as winterhold, which meant that traveling there wouldn’t be too much of a hassle. But then there was the issue of Cicero and Kaine hunting him down. Josh tapped his chin in thought. He had to be smart about this. He had to think not only for himself, but for two highly trained assassins. Hunting people down was literally their job. So how was he going to throw them off his trail? He grumbled lightly in frustration and flopped onto his back, slinging an arm over his eyes. 

He couldn’t go back to the college, not yet anyway. That would be the first place they would look. He needed to do something completely unexpected. Maybe he could go to one of the Dawnstar guards and tell them about the sanctuary? 

Josh considered it briefly before shoving the thought out of his head. He couldn’t do that to Babette. She was the only one who had been consistently kind to him. Sure she teased him occasionally, but it wasn’t malicious. He wasn’t even sure he could do that to the rest of them, including Cicero. Yes, they had been cruel to him, but he didn’t want to cause them any harm. They could have treated him a lot worse than they had been. He just wanted them to leave him the hell alone so he could go back to his old life. But deep down, he knew they would never stop. They would hunt him down persistently...until they found him. Josh would have to spend the rest of his days looking over his shoulder, constantly running and hiding. He would never be able to stay at the college again, or else he would endanger them too. The life he knew was gone. 

But still...he had to try. He had to try to escape, just to see his friends one last time. Just to tell them that he hadn’t abandoned them...that he loved them. He didn’t care if he ended up dead, as long as he was able to bid them goodbye. He owed them that much. 

Josh pulled himself out of bed, grabbing his bag off the side table. It was early morning, so everyone had already settled in for the day to catch up on sleep. It was the perfect time to slip away unnoticed. He carefully made his way out of his room, not bothering to close the door behind him. He knew that Babette was a vampire, which meant that she probably didn’t sleep. But she did stay in her study while everyone else did, and she had the room sound proofed so that her hyper sensitive ears wouldn’t distract her from her work. If he played his cards right, he would be able to get by without alerting her. Josh frowned slightly. Part of the reason he had been hanging around her so much was to gather more information to aid him in his escape. He also enjoyed her company, but he almost felt bad- like he had been using her. He quickly shook his head in an effort to focus. If this was going to work he needed to stop getting distracted so easily. 

Josh tried his best to move as quickly and silently as possible. From his many walks he took around the sanctuary he was able to memorize which floorboards creaked and which ones didn’t. Especially on the wooden staircase. He gulped lightly as he stood before it. The thing was so creaky and loud, getting up it was going to be a challenge. 

_ Here goes nothing _ ... Josh thought as he took one hesitant step. He let out a soft sigh of relief when the board didn’t creak. Gaining more confidence, he decided to take the small steps two at a time in order to decrease his chances of making more noise. He managed to make it to the top step without so much as a whisper. 

The second floor was eerily quiet, and almost pitch black. Josh mentally cursed Nazir for snuffing out the torches before everyone went to bed. If he bumped into any furniture he’d be screwed. 

He silently made his way through the darkness, holding his hands out before him to get a feel for where he was. Suddenly his hand brushed something hard and cool. He flinched, immediately pulling himself away before he realized it was just a table. 

“Goddammit..” he muttered to himself, trying his best to move around the makeshift obstacle. He knew he was close to the exit, which only made his anxiety stir even more. Josh always had an issue with keeping his nerves under control. It was the reason why he had so many nervous ticks like biting his nails or picking at his lip. He let out a low breath as he began to climb even more stairs. He hesitantly looked over his shoulder, but was only met with darkness. This was the last safe place he could get caught in. He could make up some excuse and say he was sleep walking. But once he made it outside, there was no turning back.

Josh paused as he reached the door, extending his hand out to grip the handle lightly. He looked back one last time before opening it. A huge gust of wind whirled about as he forced it open, wincing as he finally stepped outside. The door shut itself behind him, causing Josh to jump forward. The damned thing seemed to have a mind of its own. His attention was quickly drawn to the harbor in the corner of his eye. He could barely see it from where he stood, but it was there. 

Josh let out another harsh breath before walking briskly towards Dawnstar. He had made it out of the sanctuary without a hassle, but he certainly didn’t have time to spare. There was no way of knowing when the ship was going to set sail, and he desperately needed to catch it. It was his only hope. 

Josh mentally prayed to whichever god would listen to watch over him as his heart pounded in his ears. He looked over his shoulder again, only to see that same snowy landscape. He hadn’t even been free for five minutes and it was already driving him mad with paranoia. “I gotta speed up...” Josh whispered to himself before jogging down the path. He already felt like he was being hunted even though he knew for a fact that no one had followed him. It was like there was this little voice in the back of his head screaming at him for leaving. He had literally gone against his better judgement to pursue his freedom. He knew Nazir had threatened him. He knew  _ Kaine _ had threatened him. And yet here he was, on the run anyway.

Josh was beginning to think that perhaps he had made a mistake, but those feelings quickly dissipated as he finally reached the harbor. He stood there, leaning on his knees in an attempt to catch his breath. 

“You okay?” 

Josh nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of a deep, mellowed voice. He looked up and was relieved to see a tall man in a sailor’s uniform. 

“I...Yeah, I just... I wanted to ask if I could board your ship,” Josh struggled to get the words out in between his harsh breaths. Luckily the man heard him well, as he nodded lightly. Josh wasted no time in hastily climbing the plank up to the ship. 

“When do you set sail?” He asked quickly, eyes darting back in the direction of the sanctuary nervously. The sailor sighed and looked up at the sky. 

“It’s still early morning... we wanna leave before the sun rises... we’re headed to windhelm,” he replied. He sounded tired, as if he had been working all throughout the night. Josh swallowed thickly. 

“Okay, can I come with?” He asked. The man spared him an amused laugh before pointing up to the head of the ship. 

“You gotta ask our captain, he’s in there.” 

Josh followed his gaze and quickly thanked the man before heading in that direction. He passed by a few crew members along the way, trying not to make eye contact with them. His mage boots slapped against the wet wood as he walked, and he silently hoped he wouldn’t slip. Josh reached for the door handle before changing his mind and knocking instead.

“Come in.” 

An almost inhuman voice called out to him through the door, and Josh gulped before letting himself inside.

He entered a room which he guessed was the Captain’s chambers. It wasn’t much to look at, but then again neither was the ship. Not that he minded. 

“I remember you...” 

Josh quickly looked to the corner of the room and found a large orc lounging in a leather chair. 

“You’re that kid who healed the shop keep,” he continued, his voice seemed to rumble in his chest. Josh raised an eyebrow in confusion.

“I didn’t see you at the market-“ he began but the captain cut him off. 

“You didn’t see me, but I saw you.” 

Josh pulled his lips into a thin line at that. _What the hell did that even mean??_

“...I wanted to ask if I could accompany you to windhelm?” He asked quietly. 

The orc let out a loud laugh at that, quickly standing up from his chair. Josh swallowed as he tilted his head back, he was so much shorter and he hated it.

“Sure you can...but it’ll cost you 100 septims.” 

Josh flushed, his face falling into a frustrated frown. He had forgotten about money...shit. He had to think of something, fast. 

“I don’t have any money with me but I could help around the ship if you want, or-“ Josh stumbled over his words, quickly growing embarrassed by the way the orc was staring at him. 

“Or...” the captain began slowly. “You could pay me  _ another _ way.”

Josh furrowed his brows and backed up slightly as the captain stepped towards him. 

“W-what...?” He asked, his voice trembled as he spoke despite his efforts. Josh continued stepping backwards when he noticed the man wasn’t going to stop. He whirled around, trying his best to create as much distance as possible between them,jumping as his back hit what felt like the edge of a desk. 

“Are you really  that innocent?” The orc asked with a dark chuckle. 

Josh could only stare in horror as he continued to walk towards him. He turned his head to the side and squeezed his eyes shut as the captain placed his hands on either side of him, trapping him there. 

“I bet you’re gonna feel so good wrapped around me...” he murmured against Josh’s ear, before leaning in to nibble at his neck gently. Josh shivered and immediately placed his hands on the man’s chest and attempted to push him away with everything he had. 

“Stay the hell away from me!” Heyelled out, trying his best to sound as intimidating as he could but his voice sounded weak, helpless. 

The captain chuckled and caught Josh’s wrists, pinning them behind his back with one hand. “And what are you gonna do about it?  _ Heal _ me to death?” He asked lowly. 

Josh opened his mouth to argue but all the came out was a weak gasp as the orc pressed his body against him. He felt like his skin was crawling from the unwanted touch. 

“P-please...no,” he pleaded. The man didn’t respond, instead he leaned down with his free hand and began to untie Josh’s waist belt. Josh immediately flinched away and his fists struggled in the harsh grip. 

“Stop-“ He tried desperately to raise his knees in an attempt to kick the bastard but they were trapped against the larger body. 

“Stop struggling... I’ll be quick,” the captain chided as he practically ripped the belt away. Josh continued to squirm and fight relentlessly. He got ready to scream as loud as he could but choked when something which tasted of cotton was shoved into his mouth. Josh could only stare up pleadingly as the orc tied a scarf around his head, effectively silencing him. 

“See? I don’t think you want me to stop,” he said, tightening his grip on Josh’s wrists. He smirked when all Josh could manage to do was let out a weak whimper. 

“I think he does.” 

Josh’s eyes widened at the familiar voice. 

“I think so too~” 

Fuck. 

The captain immediately released his hold on Josh and turned around angrily. 

“Who the fuck are you two?” He practically snarled. Josh frantically tore the scarf out of his mouth and reached for his belt while his attacker was distracted, his heart thumping rapidly. 

“Cicero, you know what to do.” Josh heard Kaine’s voice and he shuddered at how menacing he sounded. He quickly fastened his belt and hopped off the desk, trying to move away from the scene unfolding before him. He tried to step around the angry orc but was stopped by a hand on his upper arm. He frantically turned and met Cicero’s unreadable gaze. The jester squeezed his arm lightly before yanking him away. Josh managed to catch a glimpse of Kaine holding a dagger to the captain’s throat as he was dragged out the door. 

Cicero was moving so quickly Josh could barely register what was happening. He felt his legs moving but he wasn’t willing them to, they did so out of pure instinct. The keeper had moved from gripping Josh’s upper arm to gripping his hand as he guided him off the ship. It was still dark out, which allowed Cicero to hide Josh in the shadows he clung to. None of the crew members so much as glanced in their direction as they hastily left the harbor. 

It was around that time that Josh began to process all that had just transpired. He had escaped, he had ran. He had been assaulted, and now he was caught. Everything he feared could go wrong did. Once they were long gone from Dawnstar Josh felt his breath hitching in his throat. Cicero payed him no mind, he just kept running with Josh’s hand in his. He hadn’t even said a word. Josh watched with dread as the door to the sanctuary came into view. 

“N-no!” Josh yelled, yanking his hand out of the keeper’s grip. Cicero stopped dead in his tracks, turning around to face him. 

All Josh could do was stand there, his fists clenched at his sides, absolutely  _ seething _ . 

“You can’t take me back-“ he growled, gaze darkening. 

Cicero’s face softened. “Joshy...” he whispered. Josh only stared back, trying to predict his next move. They had found him so quickly. He was barely gone thirty minutes. And that’s all it took. Josh felt tears welling up in his eyes as reality settled in. It was all gone. His freedom, his chance to see his friends again. He could feel his hope slowly slipping away from him. Was he going to die? Was Cicero going to drag him back just to torture him some more? Or worse, was Kaine going to? Josh started breathing harshly, struggling to suck in air as his chest rose and fell rapidly. Fuck...Not now. 

Josh desperately tried to hold back his tears but they began to steadily drip down his cheeks as his eyes burned. He felt himself hiccup violently as his legs gave way and he fell to the ground, knees digging into the snow. 

“F-fuck...” he muttered between quick breaths. His heart was practically thrumming in his ears as the world around him faded. There was so much he wanted to say, so much he needed to express but all that he could manage to get out were a few broken sobs. His head pounded furiously as he squeezed his eyes shut, still hiccuping and shaking on the ground. It got to the point where he could barely breathe, and the lack of oxygen was making his mind go blank. 

“Joshy...?” 

Josh heard Cicero’s voice like he was underwater. He desperately fought to stand up, but it was like his legs were made of jelly. He just couldn’t stop shaking no matter what he did. 

“it’s okay..” 

Josh felt a hand on his shoulder and immediately flinched away, curling in on himself into a fetal position. The snow was cold and wet around him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care. He sobbed into his hand, trying to hide his burning face in his hood. Josh lightly bit his knuckles in an attempt to muffle himself, though it was a futile attempt. He suddenly felt that same hand on his shoulder again. 

“St...sto-“ he choked out in between frantic breathes. He squeezed his eyes shut and somehow managed to curl in on himself even more. 

Josh glanced up through half lidded eyes and watched as Cicero dropped onto the ground in front of him, sitting with his legs crossed. The man gently leaned forward and managed to squeeze a hand underneath’s Josh’s side. Josh squirmed as Cicero hoisted him up. His breathing grew even harsher as he desperately shook his head. “N-no..” he whispered. 

Cicero ignored him, pulling Josh into his lap and cradling his head against his chest. He twisted his fingers in Josh’s hair, touching his nose to it lightly. Josh could only widen his eyes at the unusual display of affection. 

Cicero gently reached for one of Josh’s small hands and held it against his chest. 

“Can you feel it...?” He whispered softly against his head. Josh furrowed his brows, still breathing in short broken gasps. He curled his hand against Cicero’s shirt, trying to focus. The jester’s heartbeat was just below his palm. Slow...steady. Josh felt himself give a soft nod, burying his head against him. He knew he could shove him away. He could even try to attack him right now. But he was tired. It was cold. And Cicero was warm. 

Josh thought he heard Cicero murmur something to him, but he couldn’t make out what he said. The hard part of his panic attack was over...now he was left to dissociate. He hadn’teven noticed his breathing had slowed. Every part of him felt sluggish and heavy. But still, he managed to curl himself closer into Cicero’s welcoming embrace. He tightened his arms around Josh in response, trying his best to shield him from the cold wind and snow. 

Cicero lifted a gloved hand and gently wiped a stray tear from Josh’s cheek. He squeezed his eyes shut out of instinct, but he didn’t flinch away. 

“I need you to go to sleep now, Josh...” Cicero whispered against the small mage, careful not to speak too loud for fear of setting him off again. Josh frowned slightly, unable to form words. That was the first time Cicero had called him by his actual name. He wanted to protest, to get up and run. But that little voice was in the back of his head again,Telling him to stay. He had no energy, no fight left to give. He had been backed into a corner, and yet here he was, staying there willingly. 

Why did he want him to sleep? Josh worried at the thought, but he was so fatigued he could barely think straight. He stared up at Cicero through half lidded eyes, lips parted slightly. He desperately fought to stay awake, but his body had over-powered his mind. Josh slowly felt himself slip away, the last thing he saw was Cicero’s concerned features gazing down at him. 

And then, everything went dark. 

______

“I told you, he needs to rest.” 

“Cicero he can’t stay in there forever.” 

Josh heard the voices as if they were in a dream. They felt so distant, so far away. It was like his head was under a pillow... everything was muffled. He was in that awkward stage between being asleep and being awake. Not fully aware, but not fully unconscious either. Josh desperately forced his eyes to open and immediately shot up right, gasping lightly. 

“I’m...not dead?” He whispered, holding his hand against his chest in disbelief. He looked around and quickly realized that he was back in his room at the sanctuary. His eyes flickered down to his legs. His robes were completely soaked, and his toes were freezing in his boots. Josh frowned as he remembered being curled up in the snow. So this wasn’t all just a terrible dream then? He vaguely recalled Cicero telling him to sleep... he hadn’t expected to ever wake up again. Josh really thought Cicero was going to end him right then and there. But he didn’t. Instead he had apparently carried him..? 

“Whatever, I’m opening it.” 

Josh flinched as the door flung open and Kaine waltzed inside. 

“Oh good!  _ You’re awake _ ,” Kaine mused. Josh’s eyes widened in fear as he desperately climbed further up the bed. He squeezed his eyes shut, turning his head into his hood. Kaine chuckled darkly. 

“Please, just... kill me quickly..” Josh muttered. He surprised himself with how calm he sounded. It’s not like he wanted to die, but if it was inevitable then he was going to at least die with his dignity. What little was left of it, that is. 

“Oh _please_ ,” Kaine scoffed, stepping closer until he was standing confidently at the foot of the bed. “I’m not going to kill you.” 

Josh hesitantly opened his eyes, turning to face him. “Y-you’re not?” He asked quietly. 

Kaine laughed loudly, throwing his head back slightly as he clasped his hands together. “No. I’m quite impressed, actually.” 

Josh could only stare at him with his mouth gaping stupidly.  What the fuck was happening?

“You attempted to escape despite my persistent threats,” Kaine spoke with such a carefree tone, as if he wasn’t the slightest bit bothered by the situation. “I guess you’re not as much of a coward as I thought.” 

Josh blinked up at him, unsure of how to respond. 

“So...you’re not mad?” He asked. He was shaking again, unable to stop fidgeting no matter how hard he tried to. 

Kaine smiled at him sweetly. A rare sight for Josh. 

“No. I’m not  _ mad _ ,” He said slowly, leaning forward until he was mere inches from Josh’s face. Josh stared up at him expectantly, trying to get a clue for what his next move was going to be. He felt himself relax a bit, until he saw Kaine’s soft face suddenly twist into a menacing glare. 

“ _ I’m fucking pissed _ .” 

Josh yelped as Kaine gripped his arm and dragged him out of the bed. He practically tripped over the bed frame as he was manhandled. 

“What the hell are you doing?!” Josh shrieked, desperately trying to yank himself out of Kaine’s grasp. But it was like the man’s grip was made of steel. Kaine ignored Josh’s protests and guided him out the door. Josh struggled against him and stubbornly tried to plant his feet into the ground in an effort to stall Kaine’s movements. He gave another sharp yank but when Kaine’s grip didn’t let up, he allowed his legs to give way and plopped onto the floor. 

“Oh for fucks sake,” Kaine grumbled. He had felt Josh slip out of his grasp and watched as the small mage began to frantically crawl away from him. Kaine sighed and leaned down, grabbing Josh’s torso with both hands and slinging him over his shoulder in one smooth motion. 

Josh gasped as he was picked up, kicking and squirming like his life depended on it. He managed to give Kaine a good kick in the chest before the Nord reached up and trapped his legs together with one hand. “Cut it out, Josh.” He said lowly. Josh stilled his movements at the change in his tone, quickly growing embarrassed by the fact that his backside was now uncomfortably close to Kaine’s face. 

“God  _ damn _ you’re difficult,” Kaine muttered with an irritated scoff. Josh tried to move his legs again, but Kaine held them even tighter. He finally gave up and watched nervously as they walked down the hall. Where was he taking him? He sucked in a sharp breath as they approached the torture room, and sighed in relief when they passed by it. 

“W-where are we going?” Josh practically squeaked. His arms had been hanging limply, unsure of what to do with them in his current position. 

Kaine rolled his eyes as he turned a corner. “We’re going to see Nazir,” he said casually. Josh’s head bobbed every time Kaine took a step. The man’s long strides were starting to make Josh dizzy as he watched the walls fly past him. He blushed furiously as he felt his clothed backside brush up against the side of Kaine’s face again. Hetried to maneuver himself a bit, but Kaine’s hand slid up his ass and settled on his lower back. 

“If you keep moving like that you’ll fall off my shoulder,” Kaine said with a scowl. Josh froze in place, his face completely red at the warmth from Kaine’s firm hand. He knew he probably hadn’t meant to touch him like that, as he was just trying to get to his back. But the small gesture was enough to make Josh go silent. 

Kaine sighed as he made his way into the main area, leaning down to gently place Josh on the floor. Josh immediately shot up, looking around frantically as he stood. Nazir was leaning against his desk, arms crossed as he stared at him with an unreadable expression. Cicero stood beside him, his gaze trained on the ground as if he was in deep thought. And Babette sat at the table, glaring at Josh from afar.  What had he gotten himself into...

“ Well well well...” Nazir muttered under his breath. 

“So you tried to escape.” 

Josh gulped at his dark voice. Nazir always sounded intimidating, even when he was just talking normally. But this was a whole other level. 

Josh could only watch with apprehension as Nazir kicked himself off of the desk and casually strode in his direction. Kaine smirked as he stepped aside, watching Josh’s expression with amused eyes. 

“Tell me Josh...Do you know why I chose you?” Nazir asked as he stopped before the smaller man. His voice seemed to echo along the cobblestone walls, breaking the uncomfortable silence and filling it with tension. Josh stared up at Nazir, eyes wide. He was so much shorter than the Redguard assassin who stood in front of him. 

“I...well, because I’m a healer...” Josh started quietly, his voice trailing off as he averted his gaze. Nazir chuckled deep in his throat.

“I could have abducted any mage I set my eyes on but I chose you.”

Josh furrowed his brows and turned his gaze back to Nazir. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to respond to that, or if Nazir even expected a response in the first place. He swallowed thickly and spared a glance past Nazir’s shoulder. Cicero was standing across the room, staring back at him. There was something about his gaze...Josh quickly realized it was pity that he saw in the jester’s eyes. He had been awfully quiet, hadn’t even said a word to Josh since their last encounter. It was such an unusual change from his usual talkative demeanor. Josh’s attention was immediately drawn away as Nazir began to walk slowly. He circled him, clasping his hands behind his back. 

“I took a little trip to winterhold a couple of weeks ago...” he began, speaking with that same rumbling voice. Josh shuddered but stood in place, following Nazir’s movements with his eyes. 

“You see, I had overheard a conversation between two men in a tavern,” Nazir continued, tilting his head down briefly with a short laugh. Josh desperately held his hands together in front of him in an effort to stop shaking so badly. Nazir was the only one speaking. The only one moving. Everyone else just watched. It seemed like they all knew something that Josh didn’t. He dared to glance towards the stairs, wondering if he could make a break for it. But he caught Babette’s eyes instead. She peered back at him, a frown on her face. 

“They spoke of an event which occurred exactly ten years ago.” 

Josh slowly turned to face Nazir again, his face quickly growing pale. 

“They told the story of a little boy who lived in the village.” 

Josh squeezed his eyes shut, turning his head away. 

“A little boy who’s father was a drunk.” Nazir continued to circle around him, not taking his eyes away for a second. 

“And how he had to watch his father beat and abuse his  _ poor _ mother.” 

Josh tilted his head down, his hood falling over and shielding his face from prying eyes. 

“He watched it happen every day.” 

Nazir’s voice was flat, steady. But it did little to hide how menacing his tone was. Josh dug his nails into his hands, his whole body visibly shaking. 

“No one would help him. Not even the guards.” 

Nazir leaned in, tilting Josh’s head to meet his gaze. 

“And so one day...  _ He snapped _ .”

Josh’s face fell, eyes widening with tears. “S-stop...” he whispered, voice soft and weak. Nazir stared into his very soul, fingers still gripping his chin to keep him from turning his head away. 

“The boy grabbed a knife off the table, and he stabbed his father before he could get the chance to hurt his mother again.” 

Josh squeezed his eyes shut and choked on a sob, yanking his head away but Nazir forcefully dragged his chin back in place. He squeezed it harshly as his voice darkened. 

“His mother pleaded and pleaded for him to stop, but he  _ just. kept. stabbing _ .” 

Josh yelled out, raising his hands to shove Nazir away but the speaker caught his wrists, throwing him onto the ground. 

“Your mother never did look at you the same after that, did she?”Nazir sneered as Josh crumpled onto the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. Tears streamed down his face as he was forced to lay at the man’s feet pathetically. 

“IM NOT LIKE THAT ANYMORE!” He screamed, staring up at Nazir with a crazed look in his red, puffy eyes. Nazir glared down at him, his mouth pulled into a thin line. The whole room had fallen silent aside from Josh’s ragged breaths and broken sobs as he heaved on the floor. 

“I’m...I’m a healer,” Josh muttered frantically. “I’m a healer...” he was on his knees as he raised his hands up to his face and sobbed into them. Josh breathed in short, desperate breaths as he through himself into a panic. 

“I-I’m a healer...” he whimpered, shaking his head from side to side. He had burrowed that memory deep down so that he wouldn’t have to deal with it. The pain...the sorrow he had felt on that day. When he had killed his father, he recalled hearing his mother screaming at him as she desperately tried to pull him away. He had actually threatened her, his own mother, before going back to stabbing his father’s beaten corpse. Most of it was a blur... But Josh remembered staring down at the blood on his hands. Not crying, not even shaking. Just staring at what he had done.

“I swore not to hurt anyone...” Josh whispered. “Never again...”

Nazir continued to stare down at him. “I’ve never seen anyone deny their true nature as much as you do.” he said, arms crossed against his chest. 

Josh’s head fell forward as he bit back another sob. “P-please...no more...” he pleaded under his breath. “Just fucking kill me...” 

Josh sniffled as he squeezed his eyes shut, biting his bottom lip harsh enough to draw blood. He suddenly felt a hand on his arm, and he slowly looked up to see Cicero crouched next to him. He had managed to move across the room unnoticed. 

“Hey Joshy...” he murmured softly. He sounded strangely hesitant. Josh just stared back at him, feeling himself relax a little bit from his presence. 

“We have something to show you...” Cicero squeezed Josh’s shoulder lightly in an attempt to reassure him. Josh hesitantly nodded before allowing Cicero to help him to his feet. Nazir spared Josh one last glare before turning and walking towards the hallway. Cicero linked his arm with Josh’s and guided him, letting Nazir lead the way. Kaine and Babette followed close behind, the two sharing a knowing glance. 

Josh was shaking as he walked and desperately held onto Cicero. His legs felt like they could collapse at any minute so he was relying on the man to support most of his weight. He wasn’t sure how much more of this he could take. Josh had considered running again, but he was too weak. All he could do at this point was play their game. He had no where to run, no where to hide. He was trapped. 

Josh frowned as he spotted the entrance to the torture room. Were they going to tie him up and have their way with him again? Surely that wouldn’t require an audience...what were they planning?

“In here,” Nazir ordered as he opened the door. Josh just stood there, unable to move. 

“Josh, do as he says...” Kaine muttered from behind his shoulder. Josh jerked slightly but nodded his agreement, doing his best to walk into the room with his head held high. He stopped immediately upon entering, eyes widening at what he saw before him. 

There, across the room, was the captain from the ship at Dawnstar. He was tied up where Josh had been a mere week ago. The orc glared up at him, baring his fangs through a scarf that was tied around his mouth. 

“A gift from me to you,” Kaine cooed sarcastically as he followed Cicero off to the side. He chuckled at the shocked expression on Josh’s face. 

“W-what...?” He asked quietly. Cicero carefully unsheathed his dagger and handed it to him, though he didn’t accept it. 

“No. I don’t want to hurt anyone,” Josh protested, pushing Cicero’s hand away insistently. Cicero opened his mouth to respond but was cut off by Nazir. 

“You don’t want to hurt your attacker?” He asked, slightly amused. Josh only glared at him before turning his head away defiantly. 

“But...he tried to force himself on you, Joshy,” Cicero began slowly. “And he’ll probably hurt more people.” 

Josh stared at him in disbelief. He couldn’t possibly expect him to torture the man. Self defense was one thing, but this was something else entirely. 

“I k-know what you’re doing!” Josh stammered, backing up slightly. “You’re trying to make me like you!”

He nearly jumped out of his skin when he bumped into Babette who had been standing quietly behind him. She tilted her head to the side, “But you’re already like us...” 

Josh flinched away from her, looking around himself desperately. He was surrounded. There was no way out of this. 

“Come on Joshy, it’s not that hard~” Cicero’s teasing tone had returned as he held out the ebony dagger once more. He grinned devilishly as Josh looked over at him. His gaze flickered from Cicero, to the captain. He couldn’t deny that they had a point. The orc had assaulted him, and he likely wasn’t the first. Nor would he be the last. Unless he did something to stop him once and for all... 

Josh hesitantly touched his small hand to the blade, fingers brushing Cicero’s palm lightly. He knew this was a trap. The captain was merely a pawn to get him to abandon his oath of not harming anyone. They were manipulating him. He knew that. So why was he letting it happen so easily? 

Josh’s heart pounded in his ears as he took the dagger. The cool metal sent shivers down his spine. He glanced around. Everyone was watching him so intently, their eyes were expectant.

The orc squirmed against his confinements violently as Josh took a hesitant step closer. He pointed the blade downwards, gripping the handle in his fist. He was squeezing it so hard his knuckles were turning white as his hand shook. The closer he got, the more he felt his thoughts begin to quiet. It was like the room was fading away around him, and the only thing he could focus on was the tied up man. His legs were moving on their own now, drawing him closer and closer. He felt his own blood running hot and fast in his veins, it was like he was hyper aware of everything. Josh let out a slow breath. There it was. That little voice in the back of his head. The one that he always tried to ignore. It was telling him to do horrible...unspeakable things. That little voice knew him better than anyone did. Josh felt his hands move up to push his hood back and away from his face. It fell behind his shoulders, allowing his short brown locks to stick out freely. He stopped before the orc. 

The captain suddenly let out a loud, inhuman scream as Josh gave him a quick, deep slash across the chest. Blood spilled out from how quickly he had administered the cut, splattering onto Josh’s face in tiny droplets. He stood there, fists shaking around the dagger as he cut into him again, drawing out yet another scream. 

Josh felt himself moving, but it felt like his body wasn’t even his. He wasn’t planning his movements, he wasn’t willing himself to do what he was doing. It was like he had surrendered his control to some darker part of himself... A part of himself which had gone neglected for far too long. He continued to cut into him over and over again, until he could no longer hear the frantic screams which bounced off the walls. Everything was hazy, but he could feel his hands moving on their own. Expertly slicing over and over in a frenzied rhythm. He was moving so fast, cutting so deeply. He kept going and going, until suddenly he felt like he was nine years old again - Cutting and stabbing his father’s corpse with a crazed laugh. Josh let out a breathless laugh as he continued, absolutely obliterating the captain. He hadn’t even noticed the man had stopped breathing. He just kept going, moving so quickly. Until finally he stood there, breathing harshly as his whole body shook. Hands and face completely covered in blood that wasn’t his as he gripped the ruined dagger at his side. Josh just stared at the dead orc before him, his eyes blank and full of hatred and bloodlust. The world slowly returned around him, and reality kicked in. He had just tortured someone to death.  _ And he liked it.  _

Josh turned his head to the side as he heard a slow clapping noise behind him. Nazir clapped hauntingly as he circled around, standing next to Josh. Everyone looked completely shocked by Josh’s little show, including Cicero. 

Nazir leaned in, planting a firm hand on Josh’s shoulder. 

“ _ Welcome to the family, kid _ .” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So...yeah. There’s a lot to unpack here. I can’t wait to get started on the next chapter, I really want to write a threesome between Josh, Cicero and Kaine... But now I’m considering the possibility of a relationship between Josh and Nazir? Let me know which one you guys would want to see more 💗


	5. Aftermath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> @Animated_Astromancer sent me  
> this☠️☠️☠️  
> “cicero's entire personality is just: ԅ(≖‿≖ԅ)
> 
> josh: ᕦ(⩾﹏⩽)ᕥ
> 
> kaine: (눈_눈)”
> 
> Anyway enjoy this chapter kiddos😂

Josh sat there, Staring blankly at the wall in front of him. Everything that had happened after the incident was a blur. He vaguely remembered someone guiding him back to his room, and handing him a rag to clean the blood off his hands. Though he couldn’t recall who. He hadn’t spoken one word to them. Even now he sat on his bed with the rag folded neatly on his lap, his hands still ridden with dried blood. How long had he been in his room? It must have been quite some time. But he couldn’t bring himself to care. 

Josh had broken his oath, something he swore never to do. He knew he could tell himself that he was manipulated. But the thing is, he wasn’t. Not truly, anyway. Cicero had offered him the dagger, but he didn’t force Josh to take it. He did that himself. It was all out of his own free will. He couldn’t let himself play victim, not after what he had done. Back when he had first been abducted, it was easy for Josh to tell himself that he was a survivor. Just a humble mage who had been viciously taken by a band of assassins. But now...Now he couldn’t even look at himself in the mirror. He had killed a man. A man who was tied up and unable to defend himself. As far as he was concerned he wasn’t that much different from everyone else in the sanctuary. 

Josh heard the door to his room creak open slowly, but he didn’t bother looking up. Instead he pulled his hood further over his head, staring at the floor in thought. 

“Joshy I thought I told you to clean up,” Cicero scolded lightly as he closed the door behind him. When he didn’t hear a response he hesitantly leaned down in front of him, peering up into Josh’s hooded face. 

Josh averted his gaze, refusing to make eye contact with him. Cicero grumbled in response and reached for the folded cloth. He grasped one of Josh’s hands gently and began to wipe away the blood with slow, soft strokes. Josh allowed him to, but his hand hung limply in Cicero’s grasp. 

“So quiet~” Cicero hummed, a hint of amusement in his voice. He continued to wipe away with the dampened cloth, causing Josh to flinch lightly at the cool sensation. Josh pulled his mouth into a thin line and closed his eyes. He didn’t have the patience to play along with the jester’s teasing. Not after everything he’d been through within the past few hours. 

Cicero smiled up at him, humming a sweet tune to himself as he continued his work. 

“Oh! I know, how about I tell you a little joke?” 

Josh stared at Cicero with blank eyes. His face was entirely unreadable, but Cicero didn’t seem to mind. 

He giggled lightly as he spoke, “what does the sign on a closed brothel say?” 

Cicero stilled his movements temporarily as he searched Josh’s face for any sort of reaction he could get. When he found none, he let out a crazed laugh as he slapped Josh’s knee playfully. 

“The sign says ‘ _ beat it! We’re closed! _ ’”

All Josh could manage to do was watch as Cicero doubled over with laughter in front of him. He had to admit the joke was clever, but he couldn’t bring himself to so much as smile. How could Cicero act so casual? The way he was laughing and teasing like it was just any another day.

“Why aren’t you laughing? I thought my joke was funny...” Cicero said with mock offense, he even pouted a little bit in an effort to get something out of the depressed man before him. Josh only sighed in response, turning his head away. 

“Sorry.” He said flatly. He hadn’t meant for his response to sound as harsh as it did, but he had struggled just to get that one word out. It was physically difficult for him to bring himself to speak. He just didn’t have the energy for it. 

Cicero frowned slightly before retrieving the cloth and climbing to his feet. 

“ _ Fine _ , Joshy. You can sit here until the spiders start spinning their cobwebs on you for all I care,” The jester said with a stubborn huff. Josh glanced up at him from under his hood, watching with empty eyes as he dusted off his pants and left the room, practically slamming the door behind him. 

Usually Josh would wince at the sign of aggression, but this time he didn’t. He didn’t feel any sense of apprehension... He wasn’t even afraid, really. All he could feel was a dull numbness. Empty. A shell of himself. He silently questioned if he had angered one of the divines, and this was their sick form of punishment. Josh had never really been one for religion, but he found himself praying quite a bit ever since he had been abducted. Not to any god in particular, just whichever one would listen. But of course, his prayers went unanswered. 

Josh laid on his side, not even caring to pull a blanket over himself. His robes were ripped and there were tiny blood stains all over. His belt hung loosely around his waist, one of the clasps had broken off when the captain had forcefully removed it. He looked like he had been through hell and back, which in some ways he had been. 

Was this his life now? Josh squeezed his eyes shut at the thought. He hadn’t considered the consequences of his actions while he was torturing that orc. He hadn’t considered anything other than how good it felt to hold that dagger in his hand. And when Nazir had said those words...’ welcome to the family, Kid ’

Josh shook his head in disbelief. He didn’t want this, he didn’t want to be a part of their sick family or whatever the hell they called it. But...He couldn’t escape either. He had learned that the hard way. Josh shivered as he remembered the complete and utter terror he had felt. He had been running so hard he was convinced his heart would beat out of his chest. And then, as if that hadn’t been bad enough, he almost had his virginity stolen from him by some perverted sailor. It was like there was some unseen force working against him, giving him the worst possible luck. 

Josh closed his eyes in an effort to fall asleep, but no matter what he did, he couldn’t stop his thoughts. His body was exhausted, every ache and bruise was screaming at him to just rest but all he could do was lay there. He was done. With the mind games, the abuse. All of it. Someone could walk through that door right now, kill him immediately, and Josh wouldn’t so much as flinch. 

________

Kaine quickly hid behind a large bookcase, his back pressed against it as he watched a shadowed figure wander around the room. The figure looked to have a man’s form, and he was holding a lantern as he searched relentlessly. 

“ _ Who’s there _ ?” 

Kaine frowned at the rumbling voice. He could recognize the sound of an orc anywhere. When he had entered the college of Winterhold, he had expected everyone to be sound asleep. And everyone had been, all except for this stubborn bastard. Were orcs even capable of performing magic? And what was he doing in the library so late? 

Kaine clung to the shadows as the mage huffed and moved away from his hiding spot. 

“I know you’re around here somewhere...” the orc growled. He sounded to be a bit on the older side, but he certainly didn’t move like it. He kept slinging his lantern around and poking his head around bookcases. Kaine was surprised the old grump hadn’t broken a hip by now. He cursed silently as he dropped one of the books he had been attempting to shove in a bag. 

“Fuck it...” Kaine muttered before abandoning the book all together and slinging the sack over his shoulder. His eyes widened as he saw the troublesome light from the lantern growing closer to him. He couldn’t afford to get caught like this. Sure, he could always kill the guy. But throwing hands with an experienced mage was hard enough, Let alone a mage from the college of Winterhold. Kaine quickly backed away, turning on his heel and practically flying in the opposite direction. He was never much of a thief, but his stealth was impeccable. And that’s all it took to steal things, right? 

Kaine’s face fell as he realized the only way out of the library was the way from which he came.  Fuck . 

This little trip of his could not have gone any worse. 

“ Show yourself already ,” the orc practically snarled as he rounded a corner. Kaine watched as the mage picked up the book he had dropped before quickly flipping to the other side of the bookcase. He let out a shallow breath, not daring to peek around the corner. 

Kaine’s eyes flickered to the exit. It was all the way across the room, meaning he would have to somehow walk right passed the orc unnoticed. He could do it...maybe. Kaine huffed. It was worth a shot. He tightened his grip on the bag before quickly sprinting towards the exit. It was an incredibly stupid move, he knew that. But it was the only option he really had. He just hoped that the orc wouldn’t think to look in his direction. 

Kaine jumped as he felt a small flying ball of flames slam into his thigh. He grunted, swaying in place briefly before he started sprinting again, trying his best to stay in the shadows even though he had been detected. He glanced over his shoulder and saw what looked to be a flame Atronach peering right back at him.  _ So the motherfucker is a conjurer...great _ _,_ Kaine thought to himself as he reached the door. 

“Not so fast!” The orc yelled, lunging towards Kaine with everything he had. Kaine managed to dodge him, opening the door and slamming it before the troublesome mage could follow him outside. He held his back against the door as the orc pounded it with his fists, effectively locked inside. Kaine huffed from the exertion, trying to remember how to get out of the college. A slow smirk formed on his lips as he spotted the courtyard, though it quickly turned into a grimace as the door swung open. Kaine was thrown onto the ground, dropping the bag he had been holding. 

“You goddamn thief...” the orc muttered in between harsh breaths. His eyes widened as he recognized the dark brotherhood armor. 

Kaine glared at him through his shrouded cowl as he gathered the bag and climbed to his feet, trying his best not to stumble.

“W-wait, you’re not here to kill one of the students, are yah?” 

The mage backed up a bit, concern in his eyes. Kaine only stared at him before booking it towards the courtyard, bag slung over his shoulder once more. He vaguely heard the man yelling after him, but he ignored it. He needed to get the hell out of there before any of the other mages woke up. He skillfully rounded a corner onto the sloped walk way, running down it as quickly as he could manage. Kaine had never been to the college before, and he was glad he hadn’t. The ramp was terrible to walk up, and even worse to run down. He nearly slipped from how fast he was going. The weight from the bag didn’t help either, and the burn on his thigh was weeping with blood. 

Kaine reached the end of the walkway, sighing in relief as he spotted Shadowmere where he had left her.

“Come on girl, over here...”Kaine whispered desperately. He motioned with his hands and Shadowmere trotted towards him obediently. She stared at him with her hauntingly red eyes, shuffling her hooves lightly. Kaine placed his foot on the pedal, wincing as he clumsily hoisted himself up onto the saddle. His thigh burned with the motion, but luckily the wound was on the outside of his leg rather than the inside. He confidently reached for the reins and shook them, signaling to Shadowmere it was time to get going. She obliged, settling into a steady gallop as Kaine steered her out of the town. Hemanaged to get out without the guards noticing, starting on the road. 

Kaine held the bag between himself and the reins, cradling it in his lap. Babette had asked him to break into the college almost immediately after Cicero had dragged Josh out of the torture room. She wanted Josh to have more materials to work with, so Kaine was tasked with stealing whatever magical items he could. It had only taken him about two hours to journey from Dawnstar to Winterhold on horseback, but he felt like he had been gone for ages. Kaine sighed and leaned over the bulging cloth bag, loosening his grip on the reins. So Josh was to become an initiate after all. He silently cursed Nazir for not discussing it further with him, but he couldn’t bring himself to be angry. Josh had definitely shown the signs of becoming a promising killer. Kaine would know that better than anyone. He remembered the look on Josh’s face while he had been absolutely destroying that sailor. He had looked so...calm. Focused. His hands didn’t even shake as he gripped the dagger. It was the first time Kaine hadn’t seen him completely overcome with anxiety. It was like Josh had turned into someone else entirely that night. Kaine smirked at the thought. To think that someone so innocent and inexperienced could portray such violence, such skill. Perhaps he had underestimated the kid...Not that he would ever admit it. 

Kaine touched his hand to the burn on his thigh, wincing at the sting. The bleeding had stalled, thankfully. It hurt more now than it had back in that library. He supposed the adrenaline rush was to blame. He never really acknowledged his wounds while on the battlefield, it would just distract him from his fighting. Kaine sighed and dropped the reins all together. He trusted Shadowmere enough to get them home safely without his guidance. The trek home was easy enough. He wondered what his keeper was up to right now. Probably tending to the night mother, or pestering Nazir with one of his new jokes. Those were Cicero’s two favorite pass times. Well, those and torturing people. Kaine chuckled a bit. Josh never did mention the night he was tortured. He always tried only to speak when spoken to, but his behavior spoke volumes. He would always flinch away from Cicero, especially in the days following. But lately Kaine had noticed a shift in his attitude. The way Josh’s eyes searched for the jester’s before anyone else’s. And how he had caught the two in conversation more than a couple of times. Meanwhile the scared little mage would go out of his way to avoid Kaine in the halls. It almost seemed like Josh was more afraid of him than he was Cicero, even though the listener had never actually hurt him. But then again, Kaine did notice that his darling keeper had taken a sort of...interest in him. Even when Josh had been chained up in the torture room, body completely vulnerable and helpless, Cicero had been shockingly gentle. He had been careful to avoid any major arteries, and he hadn’t even cut that deeply. The marks he left on Josh’s skin were shallow, but strong enough to leave prominent scars. Kaine knew even while he was watching the scene unfold that had Cicero actually meant to torture the boy, Josh wouldn’t have lived to see another day. The little fucker was always complaining about his life, but he didn’t realize just how lucky he was. Had he been anyone else, he would have died when Kaine held that dagger to his throat.  _ So what was so special about him?  _

Kaine grumbled in frustration, running a hand through his hair. He remembered what he had told Josh mere days ago. How he had threatened him, tried to scare him out of attempting an escape. He told him that if he tried to, then Kaine and everyone else in the sanctuary would be fools to keep him alive. He had every intention of killing the bastard once he tracked him down. But when he and Cicero saw him in that ship...Underneath that disgusting orc... Kaine shook his head. There wasn’t any point in thinking about all of that now, it was in the past. What mattered was that Josh had passed their little test in the torture chambers. He had shown potential. Therefor, he was allowed to live. If Josh agreed to take the vow and abide by the five tenants, no one would be able to cause him any harm. 

_______

“Get the fuck up.” 

Josh jerked awake as he felt a cold sensation slap him in the face. He automatically sat upright, inching further up the bed and rubbing his eyes. Did someone really just throw water on him??

“ _By sithis_ , you sleep like a rock.” 

Josh recognized Kaine’s unamused tone. He peeked up at the towering Nord, hesitantly lifting his head to look at him. He appeared to be oddly disheveled, his hair was sticking up in all sorts of different directions and his armor looked worn. Kaine stared back at him with that all too familiar glare. Josh silently wondered if the man was even capable of another expression. 

“You look terrible,” Kaine muttered under his breath. He threw something at Josh, hitting him directly in the face. Josh winced but quickly realized the object he had thrown was relatively soft. He glanced down, holding what appeared to be black and red cloth in his hands. 

“W-what is this?” Josh asked quietly. His hands shook as he examined the clothing. 

“New robes,” Kaine replied flatly. He stood across from the bed, arms crossed against his chest. 

Josh raised an eyebrow at that and quickly raised the shirt in front of himself to get a better look. It was mostly red, with black sleeves and what appeared to be a large black hand print in the center. The robes were paired with plain black pants, and there was a set of boots placed carelessly on the floor by his feet. Josh furrowed his brows as he noticed the robes were glowing faintly. 

“...What enchantments are these?” He asked hesitantly. He was too afraid to make eye contact with Kaine, he wasn’t even sure he knew the color of the assassin’s eyes. 

Kaine scoffed and turned around as if he was searching for something. “Hell if I know, _you’re_ the mage here. Not me” he said over his shoulder. Josh spared the robes one last curious glance before returning his attention back to the listener. 

“I got you some things,” Kaine said as he practically hurled a large brown bag onto the bed. Josh jumped slightly as the added weight hit the mattress. Some of the contents had fallen out from the toss, and Josh eyed them suspiciously. He picked up one of the books and turned it over in his hand. 

“These are destruction spell tomes,” He said quietly. Kaine nodded lightly and leaned against a far wall. 

“Figured you could benefit from learning some offensive magic.” 

Josh didn’t respond, instead choosing to rummage through the bag some more. He had always wanted to venture into other branches of magic, but he had been too busy with Collete and her lengthy lessons. Because she was a master of restoration, she had immediately agreed to mentor him upon his arrival at the college. He smiled as he remembered the day he had met her. J’zargo had been teasing him for not choosing to study destruction magic. Saying that there was no way Josh would be able to compete with him and become the best wizard in all of Tamriel if he only learned restoration. And that’s when Collete had barged her way into the conversation. She was so unbelievably excited to finally have a student to take under her wing, as not many people sought to major in restoration. “ _ Restoration is a perfectly valid school of magic _ _,_ ” she had said to him before giving J’zargo a piece of her mind. Gods he missed her. She was always so kind to him, and she had taught him everything he had learned so far. He owed her so much. And yet...he would probably never be able to repay her for all she had done for him. 

Remembering all of those memories from the college was bitter sweet. On one hand, Josh wanted to remember his friends and all the fun they had together. It was a ghost of his old life, one of the only things keeping him sane. But on the other hand, it would be so much easier to just forget it all. To shut off the memories, and the emotions that came with them. Missing them was pointless. He knew that he would never get the chance to see them again. He had blown all of his chances. There was no point in obsessing over the past. 

Josh frowned as he sorted through more of the materials. 

Kaine had brought him a variety of things; spell tomes, alchemy ingredients, even a couple of empty black soul gems. And they were all scattered messily across his lap. 

“Where did you even get all of this? Not many shops can afford to carry these kinds of products,” Josh asked suspiciously. He carefully began to organize everything into their own separate piles on the bed. 

Kaine snorted and hung his head, a smirk on his face. “I stole it all from your college.” 

Josh’s head shot up as he stared at Kaine with the most dumbstruck look on his face. 

“Y-you what...?” 

Kaine rolled his eyes at how pathetic Josh’s small voice sounded. He kicked himself off the wall and stood before the mage once more. 

“Babette wanted me to get some things for you to work with,” he said nonchalantly. Josh only gaped at him in shock. He took a long moment before gaining the courage to speak up again. 

“Did...Did you see anyone there?” He asked, hating himself for how quiet he sounded. Goddamn, why couldn’t he ever say anything with confidence? 

“Pfft. Unfortunately yes, I did,” Kaine replied with a grunt. Josh immediately jumped from his place on the bed, standing before Kaine in an effort to appear as tall as he possibly could. 

“You didn’t hurt anyone...did you?” He spoke the words under his breath. His voice was low, but surprisingly there wasn’t much anger evident in his tone. Only concern. 

Kaine stood his ground, glaring down him with that same unwavering gaze. “And what if I did?” He asked. Josh recognized the hint of anger which laced his words. It was almost always there, hiding in the back of the man’s throat. Josh felt an unimaginable anger overcome him at the sheer possibility of Kaine hurting one of his friends. But...Kaine was right. What was he gonna do? _Attack the listener_?? He couldn’t do anything but hope that his friends were still alive and well. 

When Josh didn’t reply, Kaine folded his arms stubbornly. 

“I didn’t hurt anyone. It’s not like I was there to eliminate a target,” he said coldly. He sounded so casual about it, as if he was just stating a fact. “But that  bastard orc got me pretty good...” Kaine muttered under his breath. His voice trailed off as he turned his head slightly. 

Josh’s eyes lit up at the mention of Urag. He was the only orc at the college, so he knew for a fact the man he was referring to was none other than the keeper of the Arcanaeum. So Kaine hadn’t hurt anyone... everyone at the college was safe and sound. That’s all he cared about. He could suffer through never seeing them again if it meant they would be safe and able to lead their lives in peace. Josh drew his attention back to Kaine, and quickly threw a hand over his mouth as he spotted a giant wound on his outer thigh. 

“W-what happened to you?” He asked as he sat back on the bed. He reached out to touch the wound, but thought better of it and pulled his hand back to his lap. Kaine’s lip curled slightly as he ran a hand through his blonde locks. 

“That orc in the library summoned a goddamn flame atronach,” he said with a scowl. Josh blinked up at him. He hadn’t expected Kaine of all people to get caught like that. Though he supposed being an assassin was one thing, and being a thief was another. He eyed the wound again, taking in the gorey sight of it. Why hadn’t Kaine bandaged it up or something? Did he really travel all the way from Winterhold without tending to himself? Josh actually heard himself scoff, surprising both himself and Kaine. 

Kaine opened his mouth to say something sarcastic but it quickly turned into a hiss as Josh pressed his hand firmly against the open burn mark. He flinched away and swatted at Josh’s hand in annoyance. 

“What the hell are you doing? _Petting my damn wound_?” 

Josh averted his gaze and quickly retreated his neglected hand. “Well...I’m the sanctuary healer, so...” he murmured. Kaine frowned down at him, but Josh refused to meet his gaze. He half expected Kaine to just up and leave,

but was shocked when he felt a calloused hand grip his wrist. Josh glanced up and watched as Kaine guided his hand back to his outer thigh. He awkwardly waited for Kaine to say something, but he had fallen silent. Instead Kaine just stared at him with expectant eyes. Josh caught on quickly, closing his eyes in order to concentrate on the task at hand. Restoration was a lot different from the other schools of magic. Sure, there was the obvious reason, which was the fact that restoration was purely defensive while the rest of the branches were offensive. But, it was even more than that. Collete had taught Josh that the reason Skyrim lacked experienced healers was because of the amount of concentration it took to heal other people. Using restoration magic to heal yourself was easy, but healing a whole other person was something else entirely. It was the act of literally warping your own energy to mend someone else’s wounds. Therefor it took an immense amount of patience, which is why most mages never cared to learn past the novice level. 

Josh felt the familiar humming yellow light surround his hand, stretching to engulf Kaine’s wound as well. His palms almost vibrated with the heavy flow of magic which was seeping out of him. It reached out and forced its way into the grooves of the burn, mending the broken flesh with that same healing light. Josh peeked through his lashes and saw Kaine watch with what looked to be fascination. It was hard to tell exactly what Kaine was thinking. His face hadn’t changed much, but Josh was incredibly perceptive. He thought he heard Kaine groan for a second, but he wasn’t sure if it was his imagination or not. Josh gradually dragged his hand away and withdrew the healing spell. Kaine immediately looked his thigh over, and was amazed to see that there wasn’t even a scar left behind. He didn’t show his amazement on his features however. He managed to keep the same unphased expression on his face as Josh stared at him. 

“Get dressed,” Kaine ordered. He turned on his heel and reached for the door, not bothering to glance in Josh’s direction. “We have to discuss some things.” 

Josh rose to his feet in an effort to question the man further, but he had already shut the door behind him.  _ He didn’t even say thank you... _

________

Josh made his way down the darkened halls, boots thudding against cold cobblestone as he did. He had put on his new robes as Kaine asked, and tried his best to look as presentable as he could. He was too depressed to care about his appearance, but the last thing he wanted was to piss off Kaine or anyone else. The robes proved to be a bit difficult to work with as they were slightly baggy and the sleeves were too long. Josh kept absentmindedly rolling the sleeves up past his hands, only for them to roll back down stubbornly. He could feel the faint hum of the enchantments around him, though he still wasn’t sure what purpose they served. 

Josh finally made his way into the main area where he assumed Kaine had wanted to meet him. He timidly clung to one of the walls as he spotted Cicero fiddling with a potted plant. The last time Josh had spoken to him was when he was having one of his depressive episodes. He wondered if the jester was still upset with him after how they had left things. His worries seemed to be answered as Cicero spotted him in the shadows.

“Why are you hiding...?” He asked curiously. Josh felt a slight blush creep up his neck as he realized he had been caught. He slowly stepped into the light, fiddling with the hem of his sleeves nervously. Cicero’s face split into a wide, excited grin as he raced over to the scared little mage.

“Look at you, all dressed up!” He practically cooed with a crazed giggle. Josh could only manage to smile sheepishly as Cicero poked at his cheeks in a playful manner. Again with the mood swings. Cicero really did prove to be more and more unpredictable every time they interacted. It was scary as hell, but still better than Kaine’s constant onslaught. Josh sighed as Cicero patted his head affectionately. The jester might be a bit insane and spontaneous, but at least he had been kind to him. He quickly remembered being cradled in Cicero’s arms in the snow, and his eyes widened as his face grew even hotter. He had so many questions he wanted to ask the man, but he had no idea how he should go about it. He knew that Cicero was capable of being serious, but it seemed like everything was just one big game to him. He was almost always skipping and humming to himself around the sanctuary, not a care in the world. 

“U-Um... I wanted to ask if you know where the listener is?” Josh stammered as Cicero made direct eye contact with him. The jester was leaning down to match his height, which only embarrassed him more. 

“So _anxious_...” Cicero said with that same sweet tone. Josh gulped. He felt like he was being observed. Cicero’s tone was kind...gentle, even.But his eyes said something entirely different. They seemed to bore into him with a crazed glint, a harsh contrast to his warm smile. It felt dangerous...like a predator watching its prey. Maybe he had been too trusting, maybe he shouldn’t have been so vulnerable. Josh frowned at the thought. He had been sobbing into the man’s shoulder, had been clinging onto his shirt. When all of that had happened in the snow...It was the first time Josh had seen Cicero actually be serious. It was the first time Cicero hadn’t been hiding behind that overly cheerful facade. It felt real, like he was a real person with feelings and not some crazed murderous jester. And just like that, it was gone? Was Josh just supposed to go back to avoiding the man at all cost? 

“Good. You’re here.” 

Josh and Cicero both looked up as Kaine stood before them. Josh watched as Cicero smiled at Kaine, reaching up to place a soft kiss on his cheek. Kaine sighed in response, looking away. Their relationship really was confusing to him. He knew it was a...sexual one, if his night in the torture room was any indication. And the way they looked at each other... Kaine almost looked soft when he stared at Cicero. 

Kaine cleared his throat, causing Josh to snap out of his thoughts. 

“It’s time for your initiation.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know you’re all probably wondering when I’m gonna get to the smutty parts in this story, but I really wanna try and flesh it out a bit. So I apologize if this chapter was a bit less exciting than the last! I promise good things are to come 🥰


	6. Something to prove

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m back!! So sorry for the extended wait, depression fucking sucks. Anyway. To make up for it, I’ve made this chapter longer than the rest. 9,959 words long, to be exact. Hope you enjoy it!

“An initiation...?” Josh asked quietly. He stared up at Kaine who only gave him an unamused stare in return. Babette and Nazir had made their way into the room unnoticed at some point, and were standing across from him. They stood there, bodies framed by dim light cascading from the torches which lined the walls. His eyes hesitantly flickered from person to person. He was completely surrounded, and it was utterly terrifying. 

“The hard part is over,” Nazir began casually. He had his arms crossed against his chest, the muscles in his forearms proudly on display. “You already showed that you’re capable of murder.  Now all you have to do is agree to our terms.” 

Josh pulled his sleeves over his hands and began to absentmindedly fiddle with the hems. An initiation... So what they had him do in the torture chamber just wasn’t enough? He thought they already considered him to be a part of their ‘family’. And what were these terms that they spoke of, was he going to have to sell his soul or something? Josh squeezed his eyes shut and tilted his head down momentarily. Just when he thought things couldn’t possibly get any worse, they did. 

Nazir stared at him briefly before continuing, “we’ll start by telling you the five tenets.” 

Josh glanced up from under his hood. Kaine and Cicero peered at him from Nazir’s side. It seemed that whatever this was, everyone had to be present for it. He considered giving some sort of reply, but decided against it when Cicero stepped forward. 

He smiled at Josh, lips spread into a wide grin. “Tenet number one! Never dishonor our lovely night mother!” 

Josh gulped at that, Cicero’s cheerful tone never failed to be somewhat terrifying. He kept staring at him with that sickeningly sweet smile of his. It didn’t feel genuine, if anything it was vaguely threatening. However, his attention was quickly drawn to Kaine who leaned against a far wall, his face illuminated in the shadows.

“Tenet number two. Never betray the dark brotherhood or its secrets,” He said. His voice was flat and void of all emotion. Josh nodded lightly, unsure of how to react. 

Nazir unfolded his arms and rested his hands on the handles of his swords, “Tenet number three. Never disobey or refuse to carry out an order from a Dark Brotherhood superior.” 

He glowered down at Josh, as if to emphasize his words. Josh nearly jumped out of his skin when he felt a small hand grab his arm. 

“Tenet number four. Never steal the possessions of a Dark Brother or Dark Sister,” Babette said with her small voice. She stared up at him with an unreadable expression before releasing him from her grasp. 

Josh rubbed his arm lightly, Babette’s nails were incredibly sharp. Just her grip alone was enough to leave tiny marks on his skin. Probably had something to do with being a vampire, he figured.

“Tenet number five,” Kaine started slowly. Josh looked in his direction, face paling as he saw the look on the man’s face. It was the same face he saw when Kaine had held that dagger to his throat back in the torture chamber. 

Kaine stepped closer until he was inches from where Josh stood. Every step he took caused the small mage to fidget even more. He leaned down, though Josh refused to make direct eye contact. 

“ _Never_ kill a Dark Brother or Dark Sister .” 

Josh swallowed thickly, letting out a shallow breath as Kaine stepped away. The listener clasped his hands behind his back and returned to his original place. 

“To break any of these rules is to invoke the wrath of sithis,” He added nonchalantly. “By agreeing to these terms you will be expected to abide by the five tenets just like the rest of us.” 

Josh fiddled with his hands some more, picking at his nails nervously. He didn’t really have a choice here. What would they do if he refused to join their little family? Josh pondered at the thought. It’s not like they would just let him go, they would probably end up killing him. Or worse...Maybe they would go after his friends at the college. He would gladly suffer if it ensured their safety. Besides, the tenets sounded like they could actually protect him in a way. Josh lifted a hand to his chin thoughtfully. Like Kaine said, as long as he obeyed the rules, no one would be able to hurt him...

“Okay...” Josh murmured quietly. “What do I have to do?”

He rose his head and stared at everyone with a look of confidence. His eyes caught Nazir’s dark gaze momentarily. 

Nazir shrugged. “you don’t have to  _ do _ anything,” he said with a deep chuckle. “You just have to agree.” 

Josh frowned lightly. If he had been told a month ago that he would be accepting an invitation into the dark brotherhood, he wouldn’t have believed it. But here he was. His mind wandered to all of the events which had led up to this point. So much had happened in barely two weeks. It was difficult to wrap his head around the fact that his life had completely turned upside down. 

“My friends...At the college,” Josh began slowly. He glanced up through his bangs, eyes finding Kaine’s briefly. “Will they be safe if I join you?” 

Kaine held his gaze with that same blank stare. It felt like he was peering into his soul. Josh fought the urge to avert his eyes, desperately trying to come off as confident. 

“I can only ensure your safety,” Kaine said as he kicked himself off from the wall he had been leaning on. “But no one will go out of their way to harm any of the mages.” 

Cicero’s head shot up at that, as he turned to stare at Kaine with a confused expression. It wasn’t the answer Josh had been hoping for, but it was better than nothing. He watched as the two stared at each other before finally speaking up. 

“Then I agree to your terms,” He said. His voice was calm and leveled. A well crafted facade to hide the fear which had washed over him. Josh thought he saw Nazir smirk out of the corner of his eye, but when he turned to face the man he had returned to his usual unbothered demeanor. 

“Very well,” Nazir nodded in approval as he stepped closer. “You are now an official member of the dark brotherhood.”

Josh gulped with apprehension as Nazir brushed passed him, their shoulders colliding briefly. Everyone in the room began to disperse and go about their business as usual, completely unfazed. Josh wasn’t sure what he expected. It’s not like he wanted them to congratulate him, he was glad that he was no longer the center of attention. But it was so odd how they behaved. He was literally an assassin now and none of them were the least bit interested. He had expected a blood sacrifice or something for the initiation, not a civil conversation. Josh spotted Cicero climbing the old wooden staircase up to the second floor.  Probably going to tend to the night mother again... He thought to himself. His eyes stayed glued to the jester as he ventured out of sight. Josh still had so many questions, and had received little to no answers. He briefly considered tracking down Babette, but she had already disappeared. She was a little  _ too _ good at doing that. She was nowhere to be seen any time Josh needed someone to talk to. He sighed in frustration and ran a hand through his hair. Cicero had definitely been kinder to him than most in the sanctuary, but Josh was still hesitant towards him. He groaned as he felt his legs carrying him towards the staircase. If he was going to get answers, the murderous clown would have to do. 

Josh took the steps one at a time, as slowly as he could. He was stalling, that much was true. He never knew what he was going to get when he approached Cicero. The man was full of surprises, entirely unpredictable in everything he did. And those eyes of his, the way he looked at Josh like he was some kind of toy. Josh shivered at the thought, face falling as he reached the top of the stairs. A cold gust of wind brushed passed him, causing the tiny hairs on his arms to stand up. He pulled the sleeves of his robes even further over his arms in an attempt to trap more warmth. The sanctuary was always unbelievably cold. It was part of the reason why Josh tried to be near the fireplace as much as possible. He sighed as he forced himself to step forward. There was no point in stalling, he had to get answers as quickly as possible and this was the only way. The night mother’s coffin stood in its usual place in the corner of the room, though Cicero was not beside it. Josh furrowed his brows in frustration. He could’ve sworn he saw the jester go in this direction. 

“Need something?” 

Josh froze in place as he felt hot breath near his ear. He knew that sing-song voice belonged to none other than Cicero. Josh could practically hear the smile on his lips. He gulped lightly, not daring to move an inch. Cicero wasn’t touching him, but he could tell that the man was hovering over his shoulder. It was like he was some kind of prey caught by a predator. Josh felt those crazed eyes studying him. 

“Why is it that every time you approach me you cower away, hm?” Cicero hummed lowly. He placed a hand on Josh’s shoulder, tutting playfully when the small mage tried to flinch away. “You always end up running away with your tail tucked between your legs like a little dog,” Cicero giggled lightly, lips not even an inch away from Josh’s burning red ear. He drummed his fingers on Josh’s shoulder blade, taunting him. 

Josh couldn’t do anything except stare forward. He couldn’t so much as swallow the lump in his throat. The Jester’s tone was challenging, like he expected a response. 

Josh squeezed his eyes shut, trying to find words. He could feel Cicero watching his face from the side, he must have been leaning over quite a bit considering their height difference. 

“Y-you scare me...” Josh murmured softly. His voice was barely above a whisper, but it was all he could manage. He mentally kicked himself for sounding so childish. 

Cicero was silent. Suspiciously silent. Josh stood in place, hands shaking at his sides. He shouldn’t be showing weakness right now, but he couldn’t bring himself to be confident. Not when Cicero was standing so close to him. It felt like he was completely covered by the man’s larger frame. 

“ _Aw_... Is little Joshy afraid of his keeper..?” Cicero asked, voice low and hot. His lips brushed against Josh’s ear lightly as he spoke. 

Josh’s eyes widened. He fought the urge to turn his head away, knowing that it would probably come off as aggressive. Was Cicero...Playing with him? His brows furrowed at the thought. He almost forgot the reason he wanted to track the man down in the first place. 

Josh swallowed thickly, finally getting rid of that troublesome lump in his throat. 

“You didn’t seem afraid when you were in my arms...” 

Cicero pressed his nose to Josh’s cheek, squeezing his shoulder in reassurance. Josh’s face warmed as he remembered the day he had attempted to escape. He had been afraid.  _ So afraid _ . But Cicero was right... When he had collapsed against his chest, had fallen asleep in his arms... He wasn’t apprehensive when that all went down. He hadn’t really felt much of anything, to be fair. All he had focused on was the sound of Cicero’s heartbeat... The rest was all a blur. 

Cicero patted Josh’s shoulder gently when he received no response. Josh let out a hesitant breath as he was released from his grasp. He was relieved when Cicero slowly stepped around him, creating a small amount of distance. Josh felt like falling to his knees and clutching his chest, but he remained frozen in place. 

“You don’t talk much,” Cicero said with a giggle. He clasped his hands behind his back as he walked towards the night mother’s coffin. And just like that, he had switched back to his normal cheerful demeanor. Josh reached up to shakily brush a stray hair behind his ear, eyes still wide with adrenaline. His heart had been pounding in his ears just from the tone of Cicero’s voice. He hated that the keeper could have that affect on him. He hated that he could have that  _ power _ . 

“I...I wanted to ask you some questions-“ Josh stammered over his words, ringing his hands together in an effort to stop their persistent trembling. Cicero glanced over at him briefly before humming to himself. Josh watched as he crouched before the coffin and began rearranging flowers. He wondered if maybe Cicero was ignoring him, but decided to continue regardless. 

“....Who is Sithis?” 

Josh stepped back immediately as Cicero let out a loud laugh. His voice echoed through the large room, causing Josh to fidget lightly. Cicero shook his head, a smile on his face as he put down a flower he had been examining. 

“ Who is sithis , he says!” Cicero chuckled to himself. Josh frowned slightly. It was a genuine question, did he expect him to just know everything already? 

“Well I don’t know,” Josh said stubbornly. He rubbed his arm awkwardly, unsure of what to do. Cicero spared him a glance before climbing to his feet. 

“Sithis is the dread-father,” He began, dusting off his pants casually. “He is the void itself, nothing is more powerful.” 

Josh raised a finger to his chin thoughtfully. “So...He’s like a daedric prince then?” 

Cicero scoffed at that, placing his gloved hands on his hips. “Don’t compare our father to those daedra.” He said the word ‘daedra’ as if it had left a fowl taste on his tongue. 

Josh blinked. Okay, so that was definitely the wrong thing to say. Cicero glared at him briefly before sighing. “Helpful Cicero will answer whatever questions you have,” He said lightly, seeming to take pity on the confused expression Josh had. 

Josh raised his brows at that. This was going better than he had expected. He quickly spoke up, afraid that Cicero would change his mind. “Who is the night mother?” 

Cicero grinned, immediately glancing over at the coffin with admiration. “She is our unholy matron, the bride of our dread-father!” He said cheerfully. Josh’s gaze flickered from Cicero to the corpse in the coffin. He got so excited any time he asked about her. That brought another question to mind. 

“Okay...uh, why do they call you ‘The Keeper’?” Josh asked. He looked on with curiosity as Cicero reached for a candle on a shelf. 

“Because I tend to the night mother,” Cicero hummed playfully. He placed the candle at her feet as if to emphasize his point. “I make sure that she is taken care of, and that she has pretty little flowers!”

Josh nodded slowly. So the titles which Nazir spoke of, they each had their own purpose in the snactuary. It made sense. 

“What about the Listener? And the Speaker? What do they do?” Josh spoke quickly, as if he was thinking out loud. Cicero didn’t seem to mind, however. He watched Josh with a knowing smile. 

“The speaker gives us contracts, and the listener can speak with the night mother.” 

Josh had to do a double take at that last part. “Wait, what?” He glanced down the stairs and watched as Nazir and Kaine spoke by the fire. “The listener can talk to dead people?” 

Cicero frowned at Josh’s choice of words, but answered his question anyway. “He can only converse with our night mother,” He said casually. 

Josh turned his attention back to Cicero, who had been watching him intently. 

“And what about Babette? Does she have a title?” 

Cicero chuckled as he stepped closer. Josh watched hesitantly as Cicero stopped before him. “Nope!” He said lightly, his eyes seemed to sparkle with amusement. He then leaned down to playfully tap Josh’s nose before snickering and waltzing away. 

Josh winced out of instinct, lifting a hand to touch his nose. He watched as the jester disappeared around a corner. He still had more questions, but he was grateful for whatever answers he could get. Apparently he had been right about the titles, they  _ were _ some sort of ranking system. He assumed Kaine was in charge of the sanctuary, which meant that Nazir and Cicero were second in command. Josh found himself leaning over the railing, looking down into the main area. His eyes rested on Kaine and Nazir, the two were sitting by the cooking pot in conversation. He was too far away to hear exactly what they were discussing, but it was interesting to watch. They seemed like they had known each other for a rather long time, both of them were so casual towards each other. Nazir was leaning on his knee, intently listening to whatever Kaine said. Wait, was Kaine actually...Smiling? Josh’s face warmed at the sight. He had never seen Kaine actually smile before. He always looked so pissed off and irritable anytime they were in the same room together. Josh couldn’t take his eyes away, mesmerized by how carefree and...  Happy the listener looked. Just talking, chuckling. Enjoying the conversation. He almost looked like a real person.

_ Why doesn’t he ever act like that with me...? _

Josh pulled his lips into a thin line, hating himself for even thinking such a thing. He couldn’t care less if Kaine enjoyed his company. All the man had ever done was be cruel to him. Splash water in his face, degrade him, humiliate him, literally threatened his life on numerous occasions. Josh had every reason to hate him, and he did. Sort of. Kaine was apparently kind to everyone except for him. Josh sighed in frustration, rubbing his temple with his fingertips. Kaine was easy to villainize. It was easy to make him out to be the ‘bad guy’ because in a lot of ways he  _ was _ . Everyone in the sanctuary had a reason for treating Josh the way they did. Nazir only wanted Josh to be the sanctuary healer, and so he treated him as an acquaintance. Nothing more, nothing less. Cicero saw Josh as this cute little pet, and so he was kind to him, even if it was just surface level and not entirely genuine. Babette wanted friendship, someone to share her interests and hobbies with and so she would invite Josh over to her alchemy station occasionally. But Kaine... Kaine didn’t seem to have a clear reason, a clear motive. Josh thrummed his fingers in deep thought. No matter what he did, he couldn’t seem to figure out why Kaine treated him the way that he did. Was it because Josh had denied him his orgasm that one time? No, surely it had to be something more than that... Josh frowned slightly. Perhaps he had been wrong about Kaine. He used to think that he was predictable, but he had recently proven to be a bit unpredictable. Maybe ‘consistent’ was the right word to describe him. Josh pulled at his hair briefly, tilting his head down to lean on the railing. He grumbled to himself lowly. 

All of these thoughts were starting to drive him mad. He had come to terms with the fact that this was his new life. He had passed the denial stage, and now he was focused on trying to find a way to survive all of this. Josh had already ensured the safety of his friends when he had been inducted. He knew that being an assassin meant that he would eventually have to kill people...Maybe even innocent people. Josh rubbed his eyes before resting back on the railing. He hated to admit it, but he wasn’t opposed to killing innocents if it meant his loved ones were safe. He would do anything to protect them. Anything. Besides, there was already blood on his hands. 

Josh realized he had been blankly staring at Kaine’s figure for awhile now, lost in thought. He shook his head lightly as if to snap himself out of it. He jumped slightly as Kaine suddenly looked in his direction. Their eyes met briefly. Josh could only stare at him, a stupid expression on his face at being caught. He’d never really taken the time to pay attention to the listener’s eyes... They were so cold and harsh. Kaine held his gaze, before frowning and looking away. 

“If you’re going to stare like that then you might as well come down here,” Kaine called up to Josh nonchalantly. There was a bit of irritation in his tone, but Josh was used to it. He blushed a bit as he pushed himself off of the railing. Nothing got by the listener, apparently. Josh fumbled with the hems of his shirt, trying to ground himself. His anxiety had been through the roof ever since the night he had killed that orc in the torture room. He hated that he had done it...Hated that he was capable of something like that. But...He already knew that he was capable of murder. He had known that since he was nine years old. 

Josh desperately attempted to shove the memories out of his mind as he reached the bottom of the stairs, slowly making his way towards Nazir and Kaine. They had both returned to their conversation, neither of them so much as glanced at Josh as he entered the room. Josh briefly considered what he should do before Nazir spoke. 

“Have a seat.” 

Josh shivered at the sound of Nazir’s deep voice. It seemed to ring in his ears as he took the seat by the cooking pot Nazir had offered to him. Josh folded his hands in his lap, unsure of what to do. He glanced at Kaine, who payed him no mind. 

“I know this is a bit sudden...But it’s time for your first contract,” Nazir said calmly. He stirred the pot of stew, casually flicking his wrist about the bowl. Josh’s eyes widened at that. He had literally just been inducted a mere hour ago. 

“A-already...?” He practically squeaked. Nazir glanced over at him before returning to his work. “I’ve received an order from a client. They want some ranger from Whiterun dead,” He began. 

Josh blinked. Was this really happening? He wanted to speak up, but he couldn’t bring himself to. 

“You will be accompanied by Kaine, to ensure that the target is eliminated without any issues,” Nazir added casually. Josh gaped at him. So this was actually happening. He was going to have to kill someone sooner than he thought. And he would have to travel all the way to whiterun? He hadn’t travelled that far in his life. Let alone with someone like Kaine... 

“Is the keeper coming too?” Josh spoke the words before he had much time to think. He desperately hoped that he wouldn’t have to travel alone with the listener. If Cicero tagged along at least he would be able to keep Kaine distracted.

“Cicero has matters to tend to here...You and Kaine will be doing this mission on your own,” Nazir responded before standing up and stretching his hands. Josh mentally cursed at that. He stole a look at Kaine who had been watching him intently. The Nord sat with his arms crossed stubbornly, leaning back in his chair as if he didn’t have a care in the world. 

“Should be easy enough...Just try not to get yourself killed,” The words rolled off Nazir’s tongue in a condescending way. He let out a sigh before stepping away from the cooking pot. Josh’s eyes followed him as he walked across the room and leaned over his desk, examining a set of maps. Kaine cleared his throat, causing Josh to return his attention to him. 

“We’ll be leaving as soon as the sun sets,” He said flatly, not bothering to so much as look at Josh as he spoke. “You should sleep.” Josh nodded, not quite sure if speaking would be the best decision. He kept his gaze trained on the floor as he hesitantly rose from his chair, nearly tipping it over in the process. Kaine glared at him but said nothing, which only made Josh more nervous as he stumbled away. 

A contract... An actual contract. Josh thought it would take more time before Nazir would trust him enough to do his work. He had hoped he would have more time to process everything. But that’s not the way things worked, apparently. Josh walked down the corridor as slowly as he could. He knew the way back to his room like the back of his hand, and he hated it. He hated that he was so familiar with the sanctuary. When did this all become so normal? He almost missed when he had been tied up in the torture room. At least then he could say that he was being held against his will, that he wasn’t staying in the sanctuary by choice. 

The sun had risen. Josh wasn’t sure how he knew, as there weren’t any windows. He guessed that maybe it was his internal clock... That was another thing he hated, getting tired during the day. Before he had been captured he was always a morning person, always the first one awake. He loved climbing to the top of one of the towers in the college before anyone else had woken. Feeling the cold wind brisk through his hair as he watched the sun rise. It was the perfect view, the sun would emerge from behind a mountain and cascade eminent golden rays over the town of Winterhold. He smiled at the memory. It was such an exhilarating feeling... Like he was on top of the world. But now he was only awake during the night.Josh squeezed his eyes shut as he reached for the door handle to his room. His forehead leaned against the door frame out of frustration. He was changing. _He could feel it_. 

_______

“Did you sleep okay?” 

Babette stood in the doorway, leaning casually against the frame with her arms crossed. Josh glanced up at her briefly as he stuffed some things into a bag. 

“I barely slept five hours,” He replied quickly. His hands shook and trembled at the task, fumbling with a few socks and undergarments he was attempting to pack away. He wasn’t sure how long it would take to travel from Dawnstar to Whiterun, or how often they would be stopping to rest. Babette watched him as he struggled with the straps on the bag, laughing lightly. 

“I don’t remember what it’s like to sleep,” She said coolly. Josh furrowed his brows at her for a moment. She seemed so completely unbothered by the fact that she was a vampire. He almost forgot she was one half the time. 

“Right...” He muttered, unsure of what to say. Babette didn’t seem to mind his short answer, as she continued to stare at him with an amused glint in her eye. Josh shook his head lightly as he turned back to the bag on his bed. Babette had brought him a backpack for his clothes and a few other necessities. He carefully examined it to make sure that it was completely closed before hurling it onto his back and grabbing his smaller satchel.

“Do you think the listener is waiting already?” Josh asked hesitantly. He looked himself over in the mirror, desperately hoping that he hadn’t forgotten to pack anything. Babette scoffed and stepped a few inches closer. Josh glanced down at her, it was so unusual being taller than someone. But, then again, Babette was about twelve years old physically. He knew that she had the mind of an adult but he still viewed her as a child, like a little sister. 

“He can wait,” She said nonchalantly. Josh frowned at that. He didn’t want to piss of Kaine, especially not before their journey. 

Babette tilted her head at him before reaching into one of her dress pockets. Josh gave her a confused look as she shoved a coin purse into his hands. 

“There’s an alchemist in Whiterun, I was wondering if you could buy me some Crimson Nirnroot.” 

Josh just stared at the coin purse, before nodding and shoving it into his satchel. “Yeah, I’ll get it for you...” He muttered awkwardly. He briefly questioned if maybe she had given him a bit too much coin, but thought it better not to question her. 

“Good!” She exclaimed. Josh flinched as she patted his arm, immediately feeling bad once he saw the offended look on her face. 

“S-sorry...Bad habit,” Josh murmured. He averted his eyes slightly, but Babette shook her head. 

“You apologize too much,” Shespoke her words with such confidence, something Josh was slightly jealous of. He opened his mouth to respond, but she had already turned on her heel and started out the door. 

“You shouldn’t keep Kaine waiting for _too_ long,” Babette called over her shoulder tauntingly. “He has a short fuse.” 

Josh flushed, immediately darting out the door with his bags. Babette said that as if he hadn’t already been worried about angering the man. He knew better than anyone that Kaine had a ‘short fuse’. Why did she have to tease him so much? Josh grumbled to himself as he practically flew down the hall. Kaine had definitely made him more paranoid than ever before. He was constantly walking on eggshells around him, afraid that one wrong move would set him off. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to survive a trip to Whiterun and back when he could barely be in the same room as the listener. 

Josh paused once he made it to the main area, slightly out of breath. Nazir stared at him as he stumbled in, entirely unbothered. 

“Is the listener waiting already?” Josh asked in between breaths. He glanced around the room frantically, searching for any sign of Kaine. When he found none he sighed out of frustration. 

“He’s outside.”

Nazir watched as Josh immediately whirled around and started up the stairs, taking the steps two at a time. Josh silently prayed that he hadn’t angered Kaine. His feet were carrying him but his mind was somewhere else completely. He wished he could stall some more before he had to leave. Everything was happening too quickly for his liking. Josh took a moment to breathe when he reached the door, leaning on it with his hand. The last time he had been at this door was when he had tried to escape. He squeezed his eyes shut as he remembered the immense fear which had overtaken him when he did that. Even now he still had anxiety, like he had been conditioned to associate opening this door with pain and fear. Josh swallowed thickly before hesitantly pushing it open. He was met with that familiar cold gust of wind which seemed to slap him in the face every time. He grimaced lightly as he let himself out, the door closing behind him automatically. 

“It’s about time.” 

Josh nearly jumped out of his skin at the sound of Kaine’s voice, immediately turning to find him standing just a few feet away. He stood there with his arms crossed, Cicero laughed beside him. Josh looked them over briefly before his attention was drawn to a very large black horse. His eyes widened with curiosity. He’d never seen a mare like that before... Her coat was darker than the night sky above. Josh shivered at the persistent cold wind which never seemed to let up. He had spent his whole life trudging through snow, and yet he never got used to it. When he was younger he used to wish he had been born a Nord instead. He pulled his robes tighter around himself in an effort to gain more warmth, though it was a sad attempt at best. Kaine glowered at him. 

“Well don’t just stand there,” he said in annoyance. Josh sheepishly stepped closer to them, eyes trained on the ground. Cicero patted his shoulder affectionately, and Josh was surprised that he didn’t flinch at the impact. 

“Joshy’s very first target! I’m so excited!” Cicero practically cooed. He tilted Josh’s chin up with his pointer finger, forcing him to meet his gaze. “You know what they say, the fastest way to a man’s heart is through his stomach...” he began, a mischievous grin on his face. “Just be sure to stab in an upwards motion!” 

Josh’s face fell into a horrified frown as Cicero snickered at his own joke. He just stood there awkwardly, lips pulled into a thin line. Cicero definitely had a dark sense of humor. Josh glanced up at Kaine who had been fastening the saddle on the mare. He didn’t seem the least bit bothered by Cicero’s musings, probably used to it by now. 

“Give me your bag,” Kaine called over his shoulder casually. Josh jumped slightly at the command, and reached up to slide the small backpack off his shoulders with shaky hands. He handed it to Kaine who then began to fasten it onto the back of the saddle.

“Oh! I nearly forgot-“ Cicero muttered from behind Josh’s shoulder, a light smile on his lips. Josh turned to face him with a questioning look. He felt something cool and hard slide into his palm, and when he glanced down he saw what looked to be an elven dagger. 

“Nazir wanted you to have this.” 

Josh stared at it curiously before meeting Cicero’s gaze once more. “Oh...Thank you,” He murmured. Cicero gave him a warm smile, reaching up to pat his head gently. Josh furrowed his brows slightly but didn’t make any effort to stop him. He stared down at his boots absentmindedly. 

“Well, good luck you two!” Cicero hummed with that same cheerful tone. Josh heard Cicero and Kaine exchange a few words before the jester started towards the sanctuary. Josh waited for him to go back inside before he fastened the dagger onto his belt. He was actually grateful Nazir hadn’t given him an ebony dagger instead, it would have looked too large and bulky on his small frame. The elven dagger hung loosely in its sheath, hanging delicately from his hip. 

Kaine cleared his throat audibly, causing Josh to look over at him. Kaine raised an eyebrow before gesturing to the horse with impatience. Josh’s face fell out of embarrassment, “S-sorry!” He stuttered as he hurriedly walked over. He stopped beside the mare, looking up at her with a hesitant gulp. He hadn’t realized just how tall she was. Josh attempted to lift his foot onto the stirrup, but failed miserably. His foot barely brushed passed it before falling back to the ground. He blushed as he looked back at Kaine with a look of defeat. Kaine stared at him with an unreadable expression before silently leaning down on one knee. He extended his hand to act as a sort of platform, looking up with expectant eyes. Josh took the hint, silently hoping he wasn’t going to be too heavy. He quickly raised his foot, maneuvering himself so that his full weight was only on Kaine’s hand for a second or two before he hoisted himself onto the saddle. He huffed at the effort, and looked over to see that Kaine already had a foot in the stirrup. He expertly hopped onto the saddle behind Josh, slinging his leg over the side. 

Josh felt his cheeks warm as Kaine reached around his waist, grasping the reins in front of him confidently. He didn’t think he would have to be this close to Kaine during their trip, he had assumed that they would just hire a carriage or something. Josh placed his hands in his lap, unsure of what to do with them. Kaine flicked the reins slightly, signaling to the mare that it was time to get moving. Josh fidgeted as they began to move, bouncing slightly with each step they took. He watched as they trotted further away from the town of Dawnstar. It was so odd being this high off the ground, Josh had ridden horses before but none of them were as tall as this one. 

The night sky hovered above them, with only the moon as a source of light. The further they got from the town, the more darkness consumed them. Josh squinted his eyes in an effort to see better. He wasn’t sure how Kaine could maneuver the horse as well as he did. So this was really happening, huh? He was going to kill someone...Soon. He even had the dagger to do it. Josh reached up and pulled his hood further over his head. He found himself doing that more often these days. It was something he always did, it helped with his anxiety. But now he did it to hide his shame...He would hide from the world if he could. He looked down at his hands, still neatly folded in his lap. Kaine’s hands were in front of him, holding the reins still. They looked so...Big. Well, compared to Josh’s, that is. Josh stared at them. He could barely see through the darkness, but Kaine’s hands looked scarred and muscular. He watched them flex around the reins, mesmerized. He found himself wanting to reach out and touch them, wondering what they would feel like under his fingers. 

Josh squeezed his eyes shut and started fiddling with his nails. What the hell was he doing? They hadn’t even been on the road for fifteen minutes and he was already so bored he was staring at Kaine’s hands. Josh sighed quietly. If only Cicero had accompanied them. The man had a way of breaking awkward silence, whether it was with one of his dark jokes or one of his weird stories. Kaine on the other hand was so terribly quiet. Josh wondered what he could possibly be thinking of. Was he judging him? Thinking about how stupid he must look sitting in front of him awkwardly? Josh opened his eyes, watching the trees as they rode past them. He knew he was probably just being paranoid, but it was difficult not to be when all he had to work with was complete and utter silence.

Josh looked around, trying to find something to strike conversation. He would go mad if he had to sit through this whole trip being quiet, alone with nothing but his anxious thoughts. His eyes wandered for a bit before falling back to his lap. The horse’s mane was just as black as its coat. Josh swallowed. 

“So...What’s her name?” He asked quietly. His voice cracked a bit as he spoke. “You know...The horse-“ he added. 

Kaine shifted a bit behind him, causing Josh to startle slightly. “Shadowmere,” He answered simply. Josh nodded, not sure of what else to say. Shadowmere was such an odd name, which he guessed made sense seeing as she was no ordinary horse. He squeaked as Shadowmere bumped up a bit. Josh hovered off the saddle slightly before crashing back down. He grasped onto Kaine’s thighs out of shock, and in an attempt to keep himself from flying off. Kaine grunted quietly, but his grip on the reins didn’t loosen for a second. Josh let out a shallow breath at the scare, feeling the wind brush through his loose hair. His hood had fallen back at some point, leaving him partially exposed to the elements. He squeezed his hands a bit before realizing that they were still gripping Kaine’s thighs. 

“Shit-“ Josh muttered under his breath, quickly pulling his hands away. “Sorry...”

He waited for Kaine to respond with some sarcastic remark, but he said nothing. Great, They were back to square one. Josh grumbled to himself. It was gonna be a long night. 

______

Josh awoke to the sound of water trickling softly. His head was turned into his hood, desperately trying to hide from the blaring sun. He slowly regained consciousness, opening his eyes in a sort of daze. He felt so...Warm. Wait, warm? Josh’s hand was touching something which felt of rough leather. His eyes widened as he realized that he was currently nestled into Kaine’s chest, hand splayed out against his armor. He immediately shot up, glancing behind him with foggy eyes. He must have dozed off at some point, though he couldn’t remember when. 

“I thought I told you to sleep before we left,” Kaine grumbled. He sounded annoyed, but Josh questioned why he hadn’t just woken him up if it bothered him that much. 

“Sorry, I didn’t sleep much...” Josh murmured hesitantly. 

Kaine rolled his eyes, “yeah. I can see that.” 

Josh took a moment to observe their surroundings. They were currently in a field of tall grass, Shadowmere was trotting at a soft pace. There wasn’t any snow, and vibrant flowers grew everywhere. Josh’s eyes widened in amazement, turning his head quickly to look around even more. 

“There’s no snow!” He let out cheerfully. “Gods it’s so warm out,” he stared up at the sky, extending his hands to feel the soft summer breeze brush pass his finger tips gently. It was such a nice change from the harsh winds of Winterhold and Dawnstar. Josh closed his eyes as he tilted his head back, a small smile on his lips. For once in his life, he wasn’t cold. He let out a light laugh, leaning his hands on the saddle. 

Kaine sighed, “You sound like you’ve never been in a goddamn flower field before.” 

Josh’s eyes flew open as he was brought back to reality. He had nearly forgotten Kaine was sitting behind him. 

“W-well... I haven’t,” he said quietly. He quickly returned to his normal self, anxiety overtaking him once more. 

“Seriously?” Kaine asked with a scoff. Josh nodded, placing his hands in his lap again. He became painfully aware of the ache in his backside, he must have slept at an awkward angle. The fact that he had been on horseback for hours didn’t help either. 

“What time is it?” Josh muttered, he lifted a hand to his forehead to shield his eyes from the sun. 

“About mid-afternoon,” Kaine replied casually. Josh’s eyes widened at that. 

“H-how long was I asleep?!”

Kaine yawned loudly, raising a hand to cover his mouth as he did. 

“Too long.”

Josh gaped at him, but didn’t dare to turn around and face the man. At first he thought he would hate horseback riding with Kaine, but it was actually better than he expected. Now he could hold a conversation without having to look in his direction, it was far less intimidating that way. Josh noticed that Kaine was still holding the reins, but his hands were resting on either side of Josh’s thighs. He figured it was probably because his hands had gotten tired, but it still made his cheeks blush at the contact. 

Josh glanced up at an emerging building. It looked to be some sort of farm, with a stable and a garden off to the side. 

“Is that whiterun up ahead?” He asked lightly, gripping the edge of the saddle with anticipation. 

“The pride and joy of Skyrim,” Kaine muttered, voice laced with sarcasm. Josh squinted to try and get a better look. They were quickly growing closer to the farm, and just beyond it was a fortress like structure. The stone walls were massive, surrounding the entirety of the city which resided within. 

Kaine pulled on the reins once they reached the farm, causing Shadowmere to stop abruptly. He slung himself off the saddle, landing gracefully on his feet. 

“We’ll keep Shadowmere here for now,” he said. Josh nodded and glanced hesitantly from Kaine to the ground. Kaine followed his gaze before letting out a knowing sigh. He extended his hand, motioning for Josh to grab it. Josh reached out, grasping Kaine’s hand firmly as he hopped to the ground with as much stealth as he could manage. He stumbled slightly, a little dizzy from riding for such a long time. Kaine released his hand almost immediately and started towards one of the farmers.

“Wait there,” he ordered flatly. Josh opened his mouth to call after him, but thought better of it. Instead he stood beside Shadowmere, right where Kaine had left him. Josh rubbed his arm awkwardly. It was so unbelievably hot outside, though he much preferred this weather over the blistering cold of Dawnstar. Everything seemed so foreign to him. Winterhold and Dawnstar were so far north that they didn’t really experience seasons like the rest of the cities in Skyrim did. Their seasons were just winter, winter, and more winter. It’s all he had known... Until now, that is. 

Josh watched as Kaine came back with a farmhand at his side. The two exchanged some words before the farmer walked right passed Josh and took Shadowmere’s reins. Josh shot a worried glance in Kaine’s direction, but was relieved to see that the man had a calm expression. 

“Come on,” He said as he walked passed. Josh followed suit, trying his best to match Kaine’s long strides as they approached the fortress. He nervously glanced at the two guards which stood by the main gates, wondering if maybe they would recognize them in their armor. But to his surprise, they didn’t. Josh clung close to Kaine’s side as the guards opened the gates for them. 

Josh gasped as they entered the city. The sun hung lowly in the sky, not entirely a sunset but enough to cast a pinkish hue over the many buildings. Kaine kept walking, and Josh tried to keep up with his pace. A woman who appeared to be a blacksmith sat at a smithing table, working over an iron dagger. She waved to them, a warm smile on her face. Kaine payed her no mind, but Josh hesitantly waved back. He stared up at the many homes which lined the streets, trying to take everything in. The city was breathtakingly beautiful. It was like he had entered into a whole other world. Children ran up and down the streets, giggling and laughing as they played a game of tag. Some soldiers howled with laughter outside of a bar, mead and wine in hand. Everyone seemed so happy and joyful, not anything like how depressing his hometown was. Josh picked up the pace once he realized he had fallen a bit behind, catching up with Kaine in a matter of seconds. 

“Why don’t they recognize our armor...?” Josh whispered, hesitantly glancing at a guard who had just walked by. Kaine chuckled a bit. 

“We never leave any witnesses.”

Josh raised his brows at that, but didn’t say anything more. He supposed it made sense. He had heard horror stories of the dark brotherhood as a child, but no one was able to tell him what the assassin’s looked like. He remembered his mother telling him that if he didn’t clean his room then an assassin would come and get him. Josh frowned at the memory. He was beginning to think that whichever god was tampering with his fate had a terrible sense of humor. 

Kaine paused as they reached what Josh guessed was the market square. He watched a bunch of merchants stand at their stalls, trying to get some last minute sales in before they closed up shop for the day. 

“Wait, I need to stop at that alchemy shop,” Josh said quickly. He looked down at his side and was relieved to see he hadn’t forgotten his satchel. Kaine gave him a questioning look. 

“Babette asked me to get her some Crimson Nirnroot,” Josh added. He pulled out the coin purse Babette had given him and held it out for Kaine to see. Kaine nodded lightly, stepping towards the alchemy shop with confidence. 

“I’ll wait out here,” he said lowly. “I need to look for our target...”

Josh gulped, forcing himself to nod his agreement. Fuck. He was so excited to be in Whiterun that he had forgotten the reason they were there in the first place. His heart began to beat rapidly as his face paled. He was going to kill someone...Within a few hours. Josh squeezed his eyes shut in an effort to ground himself, before hesitantly opening the door to the alchemy shop. He stepped in, quickly shutting the door behind him and walking up to the counter. 

The shop was cozy, with a ton of different ingredients lining the walls. There was a fireplace off to the side, which only added to the summer heat. Josh breathed in the scent of herbs and spices, letting out a shaky breath. 

“Can I help you find something?” 

The shopkeep stood on the other side of the counter. She looked to be a Nord, if her blonde hair and blue eyes were any indication. She leaned against the counter casually. 

“Yes, I need some Crimson Nirnroot if you have it,” Josh said quickly. He hated that his voice shook as he spoke, but there wasn’t much he could do to help it. The lady smiled at him before reaching underneath the counter and pulling out a small bag of roots. 

“There’s about five small ones in here...It’s all I have,” She started nonchalantly. “That’ll be fifteen septims.” 

Josh opened the coin purse and carefully placed the coins on the counter before retrieving the bag. 

“So...Is he your friend?” 

Josh glanced up at the shopkeep in confusion. He followed her gaze and saw that she was referring to Kaine. He stood with his back to the window, staring out at the market square from under the pavilion. 

“Uh...Yeah, something like that-“ Josh replied with a nervous laugh. She eyed him suspiciously before shrugging and turning back to her alchemy table. He opened the bag she had given him to make sure he hadn’t been scammed, and was relieved to find the five roots as promised. He closed the bag, shoving it into his satchel. He stood there awkwardly before gaining the courage to speak. 

“Hey do you have anything that would help with my nerves?” 

The woman stopped what she was doing to turn around and face him. Josh smiled, rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. 

“Well, actually I might have something,” She began. Josh watched as she walked into a back room. He heard her shuffle through some drawers before she reappeared in the main area. She then extended her hand to him, offering a small vial with a purple liquid. 

“This should help, just don’t take too much at once-“ She said calmly. Josh took the vial from her grasp, holding it up to examine the odd substance inside. 

“How much do you want for it?” He asked hesitantly. He was afraid that maybe he wouldn’t have enough money to cover the price, but the woman shook her head. 

“Keep it. I have a similar problem,” she replied with a reassuring smile. Josh smiled warmly at her. 

“Thank you!” He exclaimed, opening his satchel to make room for the vial. It had been so long since he’d had an interaction with someone who wasn’t a highly trained killer. It felt so good to talk with someone who was...Well, normal. They said their goodbyes before Josh stepped outside, immediately being met with a warm breeze. 

“What took you so long?” 

Josh jumped as he felt Kaine’s presence behind him. How did he manage to move so silently? 

“S-sorry!” He squeaked, clutching the satchel at his side. Kaine grabbed his arm and began dragging him out of the marketplace. Josh nearly tripped over his own feet as he attempted to keep up. The sun was setting over the horizon, and people were already returning to their homes for the night. Once they had passed the market place, Kaine released his arm. 

“The target just left to go hunting,” he said under his breath. Josh felt himself beginning to breathe heavily from the fast pace. Before he could process what was happening Kaine had led them out of the main gates and out into an open field. He stopped abruptly, crouching behind one of the city walls and dragging Josh with him. Josh yelped as he was dragged to his knees, but was silenced by Kaine’s hand over his mouth. 

“Be quiet,” Kaine practically hissed. Josh nodded and let out a quiet breath as he was released. His heart was beating out of his chest, thrumming in his ears. He could feel that his pale face was a bit blotchy from all the running. Kaine ignored him, instead staring off into the field before them. The sky was already beginning to darken, and the stars were becoming visible. It was the perfect time for a kill. Josh grimaced at the thought, desperately opening his satchel and searching for the vial. Once he found it he quietly popped it open, hoping that Kaine wouldn’t notice. When he didn’t look in his direction, Josh carefully took a small swig. He then capped the cork back on and slid it back into his satchel. 

Kaine glanced back at all the commotion, giving Josh a confused look before rolling his eyes and returning to the task at hand. Josh guessed that he was probably searching for the target. He frowned when the potion didn’t have an immediate effect. He probably should have asked the shopkeep how long it took to kick in, but the thought hadn’t crossed his mind at the time. He desperately hoped it would start working before he had to kill the target. 

Then he saw him. A ranger, who looked to have the stature of a wood elf, had emerged out in the middle of the field. He was standing upright, though only the top half of him was visible due to the tall grass which surrounded him. Josh was thankful that they were also hidden by the grass, as the ranger would have easily spotted them otherwise. 

Josh looked over at Kaine to make sure that he had seen the same thing. Kaine was watching the ranger with this intense look in his eyes... Like a predator stalking it’s prey. Josh shivered lightly, partially from his nerves and partially from Kaine’s intimidating stare. The sky had darkened considerably, and the full moon began to rise. Josh breathed in the crisp night air. Everything was silent. The city behind them had grown quiet, the only sound left was that of the wind whistling through blades of grass. 

“Go...Make your move,” Kaine whispered firmly. Josh looked over at him weakly, a pleading expression on his face. He felt like he was about to throw up. 

Kaine glared at him from the side before promptly nudging Josh forwards into the grass. “Go.”

Josh felt like crying, he was afraid if he stood still for too long then he would end up having a full on breakdown. He swallowed thickly, remaining in his crouched position as he forced himself to creep through the grass. The ranger was only a few feet away now, he had his bow out. Josh studied him from afar, trying to figure out how he was going to do this. He watched as the elf searched the horizon silently. He appeared to be searching for some sort of animal. Little did he know,  _ he _ was the one who would be hunted tonight. 

Josh stayed crouched in the grass, unmoving. He was closer now, much closer. He silently unsheathed his dagger, his heart thrumming in his ears. Everything started to feel so hot. He silently cursed the summer heat, trying his best to stay focused. He had to do this. If he didn’t, then he could risk loosing his spot in the dark brotherhood, which meant that his friends back at the college would no longer be safe. He just had to keep telling himself that. 

Josh stayed in place, still watching the ranger for the best time to strike. He felt his mouth fall open as he panted gently. Gods, why was it so goddamn hot? He desperately tried to slow his breathing as much as he could. He felt a thin layer of sweat develop on his brow, and fought the urge to wipe it off. If he made too much commotion then he would be detected. 

Josh’s hand flexed around the dagger out of frustration. If the ranger didn’t turn around soon then he would just have to strike anyway. He wanted to go for a sneak attack, as he didn’t have much experience with actual combat. Josh let out a shallow breath before creeping up behind the ranger. He carefully stood, raising the dagger as he did. He was about to make a move, when suddenly a weird sensation overtook him. He started to feel dizzy... so fucking dizzy. Like he was about to pass out. 

_No. No no no no_ \- 

Josh thought as he wavered slightly. The ranger whirled around immediately, his sharp senses picking up on Josh’s presence. Josh froze in place, dagger raised above him. He watched in horror as the ranger glanced from him, to the dagger and back. Josh saw the moment realization hit the elf, but he couldn’t bring himself to move. It was like he was glued to the ground, petrified with fear. The ranger reached for an arrow, and Josh squeezed his eyes shut, shaking. Suddenly he heard a lewd squelching sound. 

Josh opened his eyes immediately, only to see the tip of a black dagger protruding from the ranger’s stomach. His mouth fell open in a silent gasp as he watched the dagger disappear. The ranger’s dead body fell to the ground, revealing Kaine who had attacked him from behind. 

“What the  _ fuck _ Josh-“ Kaine practically snarled. He stared at him with so much anger, Josh had to look away. He was still panting, sweating all over. He was really convinced he was about to die from how worked up he was. 

“I need to see the same person I saw when you killed that captain,” Kaine growled under his breath. Josh felt tears stinging the edges of his eyes. He lowered the dagger, his hands shaking at his sides. 

“I know! I...I just, I bought...Well, I got this potion? From the alchemist...And she, she said it was for anxiety so-“ Josh stammered over his words, his voice cracking at the end on a broken sob. He squeezed his eyes shut and turned his head away in an effort to hide from Kaine’s unrelenting gaze. 

“What _potion_?” He snapped, stepping over the ranger’s body to stand before Josh. Josh fumbled with his satchel, desperately searching for the vial. Once he found it Kaine snatched it from his hand. 

Josh sniffled lightly, rubbing his nose on the edge of his sleeve as Kaine uncorked the bottle. He still felt unbelievably hot. He absentmindedly rubbed his thighs together as he stood, feeling like he could tip over and fall at any second. Josh watched with anticipation as Kaine raised the bottle to his nose. He sniffed it, maintaining eye contact the entire time. 

“W-what...?” Josh asked quietly, cheeks red and puffy. 

Kaine glanced down at the bottle before meeting Josh’s eyes with an unamused look. 

“ _ This is a goddamn aphrodisiac _ _._ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A cliff hanger 😩better come back and read the next chapter👀
> 
> Please let me know what you think!! Comments always make my day and I respond to all of them 💗


	7. Realizations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heyooooo!! I’m back 🥺guess I just missed you all too much 😭
> 
> Anyway.
> 
> Post nut clarity up ahead ✋🏻🛑

Josh flushed, his whole face burning at what Kaine had just said to him. 

“A-an aphrodisiac..?” He whispered quietly. So that shopkeep... When she said she had a similar problem, she wasn’t talking about normal anxiety. Fuck. And he had definitely taken more than a drop, it was nearly a whole sip. Josh glanced down at himself, immediately going beet red as he saw the growing erection in his pants. His whole body was burning up, and his thighs couldn’t stop rubbing together. He desperately tried to will himself to stop, but no matter what he did they still rubbed ever so slightly. He hoped Kaine wouldn’t notice his small movements. 

“No wonder you couldn’t focus.” 

Josh looked up at Kaine when his voice softened a bit. He still sounded irritated, but the intense anger wasn’t there anymore. He watched as Kaine clutched the vial in his hands. His knuckles had turned white from how harshly he was gripping it, Josh was surprised the glass didn’t shatter from the impact. He saw Kaine look him over, but immediately dropped a hand to cover his erection out of embarrassment. His member twitched from the contact of his own hand, begging to be touched some more but he pushed the urge away.Kaine continued to stare at him for a long moment, as if he was contemplating something. Josh looked anywhere but in the man’s direction. How did he even know what an aphrodisiac smelled like in the first place? Josh somehow managed to blush even more at the thought. He glanced down at the dead ranger laying by his feet. He realized he must look pretty comical with a bulge in his pants while he stood in front of a literal corpse, which only made him more embarrassed.

Kaine looked him over again before letting out a tired sigh. “We need to get back to the Inn,” He said stubbornly. He brushed past Josh, heading up to the city wall without looking back. Josh watched him with wide eyes before following. His legs felt so tired and heavy, like he needed to go lay down somewhere. And the growing need in his abdomen wasn’t helping either. Every step he took felt sluggish and forced. His cheeks were still stained with dried tears from the initial panic he had felt, though he had stopped crying entirely. Josh was sure that had he not taken the aphrodisiac, he would have been heaving on the ground right now. But the arousal which had consumed him was distracting him from his emotions. 

Kaine walked on with an air of confidence, Josh trudging close behind. They weeded through the tall grass, the soft blades lapping at their waists. Gods, he knew he must look pathetic. He was grateful that Kaine was leading the way, as he wasn’t forced to make eye contact. Instead he stared at Kaine’s back as they walked. His light armor clung to his figure. Dark, rough leather stretched over his back muscles like a second skin. Josh couldn’t help but stare through half lidded eyes, still panting lightly. His blood was rushing through his veins, heart pounding in his chest. He could feel that his body was confused. The drug must have heightened his senses or caused some sort of adrenaline, he felt like he was in fight or flight mode even though there was no immediate danger. And he had the persistent need to be  _ touched _ ... 

Josh silently cursed the alchemist who had given him the potion. It was supposed to ease his anxiety, not heighten it. Though he supposed part of that was his fault, he had probably taken more than the recommended amount. He followed Kaine up to the main gates. The guards which stood there looked awfully tired, like they had been on duty longer than they signed up for. Josh prayed that the darkness would conceal the little problem in his pants, and was relieved when the guards didn’t look his way. They opened the gates, heaving from the exertion of moving such heavy wood. Kaine glanced over his shoulder for a split second. Josh caught his eye, quickly walking after him once more. 

Whiterun looked so different at night. All of the citizens had returned to their homes. A few candles could be spotted in windows as they passed by, but aside from that, most of the city had gone dark. It was so much different from how alive it seemed during the day, It was like they had entered an alternate dimension or something. A single guard patrolled the streets with a torch in hand. Josh found it slightly it odd. Back in Winterhold, there were always at least three or four guards on duty every night. Josh remembered when he was a child he would watch the torches fly past his window. Back and forth, back and forth. He would count the amount of times they would pass by, the dim light gradually lulling him to sleep. However, Whiterun was a much safer town than Winterhold. The crime rates were the lowest out of all the cities in Skyrim. So there really wasn’t a need for a squad of guards patrolling the streets at night. 

Josh caught up to Kaine, moving to walk beside him rather than behind. Guards never used to scare him. They made him feel safe, protected. But now, he was wary of them. Every time one would glance in his direction, as innocent as the action was, it would send shivers down his spine. He was paranoid that his hands had been permanently stained red from all of the blood he had shed. Scared that they would expose him for what he was. A criminal. An assassin. A  _ killer _ . 

Josh looked down at his hands, relieved to see that they were still the same pale white color that he was used to. He slid his sleeves over them, ashamed. Kaine always seemed so perfectly calm whenever they came into contact with guards. His voice never faltered when he spoke to them, he never stuttered. If Josh had randomly seen him on the streets he would have thought that he was just some adventurer. He was always keeping his identity concealed, always in control. And he made it look so  _ effortless _ . 

Josh rubbed his hands together nervously as they neared closer to the Inn. All of his thoughts did little to distract him from the burning need in his abdomen. He had felt arousal before, obviously. But never like this. Just the feeling of his thighs brushing past each other as he walked was enough to fuel his desire. Kaine was silent beside him, not so much as looking in his general direction. Josh spared a glance at his face, trying to see through the darkness. Even in the shadows he could see the stern look which seemed to always take over Kaine’s features. He swallowed thickly, grateful that Kaine was unable to hear how loudly his heart was beating. 

The Inn was two stories high, towering over the rest of the market place. Kaine stepped up the stairs, his feet silent as he did. Josh often questioned just how Kaine managed to walk so quietly, the wooden stairs didn’t even creak under his weight. Josh followed him through the doorway and into the Inn. There was a fireplace in the center of the room, with a bunch of benches surrounding it. Though, no one was sitting in them. The only other person in the room was the Inn keeper, she was a tall Nordic woman with her brown hair pulled into a bun. Josh stood there awkwardly as Kaine stepped up to the counter. He sheepishly tried to maneuver himself to where the bulge in his pants wasn’t visible. 

“Ah! There you are, someone just delivered your bags not too long ago. You should find them in your rooms,” The Inn keeper said. Her voice was so calm and leveled. Josh wondered how she could be so casual while in the presence of someone as intimidating as Kaine. He watched from the corner as Kaine thanked her, quickly following him up the stairs after he parted from the counter. He had heard the Inn Keeper say they had two separate rooms...Good. If they ended up having to share a room it would have been incredibly awkward. He needed to have some privacy or he was afraid he would melt. Josh hastily climbed the stairs, being careful not to run into Kaine as he did. 

The hallway was well lit with torches lining the walls. Josh’s feet padded on the ground as he walked across the hard wood, some loose floorboards creaking in the process. He questioned just when Kaine had found the time to buy their rooms, maybe while he had been in the alchemy shop? 

Kaine stopped before a door at the end of the hall. He opened it, glancing back in Josh’s direction with an unreadable expression. 

“This is your room,” he said flatly. Josh could only bring himself to nod before he hesitantly walked past him, stepping into the room carefully. He flinched when he heard the door click shut behind him, glancing back at it to make sure he was completely alone. 

The room was rather small. It had a single bed up against a far corner, with a quaint little side table slumped against it. The only source of light was a small candle on the nightstand. Josh spotted his backpack on top of a trunk, hurriedly rushing over to it to make sure nothing had been stolen. He hastily opened the many buckles and sighed when he saw everything was still where he had left it. He made his way over to the bed, kicking off his boots and placing them neatly on top of the wooden chest. He didn’t really have any clothes to sleep in, he usually just slept in his robes. Josh groaned as he slid further up the bed, his attention now completely focused on the erection pressing against his pants. The aphrodisiac had started to calm down a bit, but the desire was still there. He desperately yanked his pants off, tossing them onto the floor carelessly along with his shirt. Usually he wouldn’t dare to be so messy but at this point he couldn’t have cared less. He looked over worriedly at the candle on the side table. The flame flickered gently, its light casting an erotic looking shadow on the wall as Josh hesitantly drew his member out of his undergarments. He blushed violently at the sight, leaning over to blow out the flame. It sizzled as it was snuffed out, the tip of the wick still a bright orange. Josh sighed lowly, running his free hand through his hair as he lowered himself back onto the pillows. He always got so embarrassed when he had to relieve himself...Like he was doing something scandalous. It was part of the reason why he only ever indulged in it if he absolutely had to. So there was no way in hell he was about to watch his own shadow as he jerked off.

Josh carefully ran his hand up his length, his member twitching from the small caress. Darkness surrounded him, the room now completely pitch black with no source of light. He was so unbelievably sensitive, his skin felt like it was on fire every time he tried to touch. His dick stood at attention, the tip a dusty pink. He lightly ran his fingers over the head, wincing at the sensation. His fingers were so cold against his burning hot length, he wasn’t sure if he liked it or hated it. He let out a soft groan when he felt the skin chafe, immediately drawing his hand away to spit in his palm. 

Josh slicked up his hand the best he could before returning to his neglected member. He squeezed his eyes shut as he formed his hand into a fist around the head, spreading it gently as he pressed downward, then back up again. He slung his free hand over his eyes, mouth parted as he let out a shuddering breath. It had been awhile since he’d done this. He almost forgot just how good it felt, having his own hand wrapped around his length. Josh squeezed lightly, furrowing his brows. His thighs were trembling, rubbing together a bit as he continued his slow ministrations. He blushed as he thought of how he probably looked, laying on the bed with his hand over his dick. He quickly pushed the thought out of his head, trying to focus. This was the hardest part, trying not to let his mind wander. Josh panted lightly, his hips pushing up into his own grip. The blood was rushing down to his core, making his head feel hazy. Fuck, the aphrodisiac wasn’t done apparently. Josh whimpered quietly as he felt himself frustratedly thrust into his hand. It wasn’t enough. It felt good, but it wasn’t nearly enough. He suddenly thought back to when Kaine had eyed him over back in the field... The way his gaze had dropped to eye Josh’s erection. 

_ Wait...What if Kaine knows what I’m doing...? _

Josh’s cheeks flushed at the thought, a shallow breath escaping him. He was  _ not _ about to think about Kaine at a time like this... Josh grumbled to himself as he slowed his movements, casually flicking up and down his length with his lithe fingers. Kaine was so goddamn cruel. With his stupid remarks and his rude words... And how he always seemed so fucking irritated all the goddamn time. Josh’s face twisted into a scowl as he spit into his palm again, immediately returning to the task at hand. And how Kaine had just stood there smugly while Josh had been tied up in the torture room. Josh’s eyes shot open as the memory crossed his mind. 

When Kaine had stood before him, face twisted in pleasure... Groaning at the heat from Cicero’s mouth, head tilted back in ecstasy... and Josh had watched him. 

Josh’s cheeks burned beet red, squeezing his eyes shut as he tilted his head into his pillow. 

_ No no no no... _

Josh’s thoughts pleaded to forget that memory, to bury it deep within his mind but no matter what he did he couldn’t get the image of Kaine moaning shamelessly out of his head. It had been such a strange sight at the time, seeing one of his captors come undone like that... Even when the man was being sucked off he still managed tolook intimidating. The memory seemed to taunt Josh as he continued running up and down his dick. Why had he watched in the first place? It’s not like Cicero had forced him to... 

Josh groaned, partially from pleasure but mostly out of frustration. He pushed up into his hand again, squeezing the head with an almost painfully tight grip. And then Kaine had caught him staring... And he said that thing to him... 

_ ‘Like what you see, huh?’ _

Josh whimpered as he practically heard Kaine’s voice in his head. That smug, sarcastic tone. Those accusing eyes of his. Gods, he hated him. He hated him so goddamn much. He hated his stupid smirks and his... And his stupidly big hands. And his ridiculously muscular arms. Josh bit into his hand to stifle a moan, practically drawing blood. His hand was moving faster now, gliding up and down his length as his hips thrusted upwards desperately. 

Josh worked himself over, eyes half lidded and mouth parted as he whimpered from the heat of his hand. He couldn’t help but imagine how it would feel to have Kaine’s hands wrapped around him instead... Those rough, calloused fingers... flexing and gripping him... Kaine could probably cover Josh’s whole dick with just one hand. And then he would stare down at him with those harsh eyes, cold and unforgiving... Josh groaned softly at the image he was creating for himself. 

_Fuck, what am I thinking.._.

Josh’s thoughts practically screamed at him to stop but he couldn’t. All he could focus on was his hand running up and down his length, spreading the pre-cum which had gathered at the tip. He wondered what it would feel like to run his hands down Kaine’s back...To feel those muscles flexing and moving beneath his nails. Josh’s head lifted slightly off the pillows as he choked on a silent gasp. To hear that smooth voice...Whispering tauntingly in his ear... 

“ _ Fuck...Please _ ,” Josh whispered, immediately clamping a hand over his mouth once again to silence himself. And what if  _ Cicero _ watched him... With that intimidating gaze, roaming his body... Josh flushed and furrowed his brows, trying to imagine what Cicero might be like... He would be nicer than Kaine...Yes... Whispering sweetly, not tauntingly... And then he would call him some absurd pet name to humiliate him... Josh groaned at the thought, imagining Cicero whispering in his ear, 

‘ _ What a good boy _ _._..’ He would say... And then he would tease him, and force him not to shy away...

Josh moaned, letting out a choked cry. His thoughts were driving him absolutely wild, his head felt dizzy and light, like he was fucking himself senseless. He wasn’t even thinking about how wrong these fantasies were... All he could think about was the pleasure he was feeling. He couldn’t stop imagining Kaine and Cicero sharing him, having their way with him however they pleased. Using him... Embarrassing him... _Praising_ him...

Josh let out a strangled cry just barely above a whisper, his hand was moving but he wasn’t willing it to. He was acting purely out of instinct as his hips began to falter. He desperately wanted someone there with him, helping him, guiding him through it. But instead he was left to rely on himself. 

“Ah...” Josh murmured as he came, thrusting desperately into his hand as he painted his chest white. His whole body burned as he came undone, moans coming out as harsh breaths once he came down from his high. He laid there, completely spent as his member began to soften in his hand. 

Josh felt his body relax almost immediately. The adrenaline, the anxiety... It was all quieted. He let out a slow sigh, wiping the sweat off his brow. He was laying there with literal cum on his chest but he couldn’t bring himself to get up and clean it off. He felt so tired... So fucking tired. His head felt heavy, and it hurt when he tilted to the side. Josh groaned softly, grabbing a towel from the side table and lazily brushing himself off. His hands moved slowly. His eyes were burning almost, and it physically hurt to keep them open. He held the towel against his chest once he was done, too fucked out to move anymore. All of his energy was completely gone. 

The room was awfully quiet, the moon now shining through a crack in the curtains. Josh lazily watched the shadows of a tree dance on the walls with tired eyes. The branches looked a lot like monstrous claws. He blinked slowly, his head pounding. 

What the fuck just happened.

_______

The road was old and worn, the cobblestone which lined the ground had slowly faded away after years of wear and tear. Shadowmere’s hooves trampled over them lightly, Josh and Kaine sitting quietly on their conjoined saddle. They had been riding for hours now, and Josh could already feel the weather growing colder as they grew closer to Dawnstar. He shifted in his seat a bit, trying his best to get comfortable with the tight fit. Kaine sat silently behind him, steering Shadowmere into a casual stroll. They had barely said anything to each other the whole day. Not that Josh was complaining, he much preferred awkward silence over awkward conversations. 

He had tried his best  not to think about the events which had transpired the night before. Though, every time his eyes fell on Kaine’s hands holding the reins in front of him, he was quickly reminded. Josh blushed lightly as he remembered the fantasy which had sent him over the edge. He hated himself for imagining such things. And yet, he had done it anyway. He had fantasized about the two people who had tortured him, and threatened his life on more than one occasion. It was so incredibly toxic, Josh knew that. So why did it turn him on so fucking much?? At first he had blamed it on the aphrodisiac, but he knew it ran deeper than that. The drug had only enhanced the feelings he already had. There was no denying it, not anymore at least. He was big enough to face his own feelings. But now he had to find a label for them. Was it love? Josh shook his head slightly at his own thoughts. It certainly wasn’t ‘love’. Kaine and Cicero scared the shit out of him and he hated them more than half of the time. Infatuation, maybe? Fascination? 

Josh closed his eyes momentarily, picking at his nails in his lap. He refused to believe that he had a  _ crush _ on the people who had held him captive. There was a word for that, some kind of psychological thing. But he didn’t think it was something like that either. Why did feelings have to be so goddamn confusing. Josh tilted his head up to the sky lightly, watching the clouds thoughtfully. It’s not like he was ever going to act on those feelings anyway. Fantasies were relatively harmless, as long as they remained as fantasies and nothing more. He could do that, right? Josh touched a hand to his forehead, scratching the skin there lightly. If he could just bury whatever it was that he had felt last night... Bury it deep down so that he wouldn’t have to deal with it. That would work. It  _ had _ to work. 

The forest they were riding through was covered with large oak trees. The bright green leaves swayed in the wind as they rode, and Josh inhaled the sweet summery breeze. He wished he could memorize it. Returning to Dawnstar after a day in Whiterun was going to be rather depressing. Bretons aren’t supposed to spend their lives in a snowy wasteland like Skyrim. They weren’t built that way. Josh remembered his mother used to tell him stories of their homeland, High Rock. Apparently it’s always warm there, even during winter it’s not nearly as cold as Skyrim. He always wished he could go there someday, to see the pride of his ancestors. Though, now that dream seemed so hopeless. So far away. 

Josh straightened his back a bit, trying not to brush against Kaine’s chest as he did. He kind of hoped that he would accidentally fall asleep again, but he had gotten a good night’s rest. He wondered briefly what could possibly be on Kaine’s mind, but was too afraid to ask. He was always so quiet, stoic even. There was no way of telling what the man was thinking. Josh figured maybe he was still angry with him, considering he had completely screwed up the mission they had been assigned.

“...I’m sorry about last night,” Josh blurted out. He immediately hated himself for how softly he had spoken the words, tilting his head downwards even though Kaine had no way of seeing his face. Kaine scoffed from behind him, his hands flexing on the reins. 

“I just want to know why that  _ alchemist _ decided to give you such a strong drug,” Kaine said casually. His voice was laced with sarcasm, and Josh didn’t miss the fact that he had completely disregarded his apology. 

Josh swallowed thickly, assuming that Kaine probably wanted an answer. 

“W-well... After she gave me the Nirnroot she asked if we were friends-“ Josh started slowly, unsure of his own words. He felt like he was treading on thin ice, anxious of Kaine’s looming presence behind him. 

“And?” Kaine grunted with impatience, Josh could practically hear him roll his eyes from the way he spoke. 

“And...I said ‘yeah, something like that’...” Josh muttered the last bit as he realized how that must have sounded to the alchemist. “And, and then I asked if she had something to help with my nerves-“ He added hesitantly. Kaine suddenly laughed loudly, causing Josh to glance over his shoulder out of shock. 

“You’re so fucking dense,” Kaine mused, a chuckle escaping his lips. Josh flinched at the insult, hating the way he said it. 

“She probably thought I was going to fuck you,” He said with an amused scoff. Josh immediately turned his head to the side at that, as if to question what he had just heard. His hood fell back with the motion, revealing that the tips of his ears had turned into a deep scarlet. Kaine chuckled at the sight, and Josh hastily pulled his hood back over his head out of embarrassment, turning to stare at his own lap. 

He couldn’t bring himself to reply, as he was completely flustered. The way Kaine spoke those crude words so casually, like he was entirely unbothered by the whole situation. He didn’t say anything after that though, returning to his usual quiet demeanor. Josh wondered if this was as awkward for Kaine as it was for him. Probably not, if his smug remarks were any indication. Josh furrowed his brows, glancing to the side out of frustration. He was quickly remembering why he hated being around Kaine. Why he avoided him in the halls. The man was so quick to demean him and call him names. Meanwhile Cicero was at least somewhat kind, even though he could also be incredibly frightening. Josh had very different feelings towards both of them, and every bit of it was confusing. 

_____

Dawnstar looked just as dreary and depressing as it did when they had left. The citizens were all heading home for the night, as the sun had begun to set. Kaine steered Shadowmere in the direction of the sanctuary. Josh saw him flick the reins slightly, which urged her to move faster. He didn’t blame him, they had been on the road the whole day and only took one break to stretch their legs and eat. Josh shivered at the crisp air, grateful that Kaine was sitting behind him. His larger frame seemed to block out the cold a bit, even if it wasn’t much it still helped. It had been two days since they had left for Whiterun, and Kaine seemed eager to get back. Maybe it was because he missed Cicero... The two seemed to be lovers. Josh often wondered just how their relationship had started, or if they even referred to it as a relationship. He didn’t think they were married, assassins typically weren’t the type to even set foot in a temple of Mara let alone take an oath in her name. Josh glanced down at Kaine’s hands again, and nodded to himself when he didn’t see a ring of Mara. He didn’t really care if Kaine and Cicero were married or not, but he found their relationship interesting. Kaine always seemed less pissed off when he was with Cicero, he laughed at his jokes all the time. And Cicero had a way of calming Kaine down when he got too angry. They seemed to balance each other out perfectly. 

“Do you think everyone’s awake yet..?” Josh asked quietly. He looked up at the sky, the sun just beginning to disappear over the horizon. 

“Should be,” Kaine muttered. He sounded like his mind was elsewhere. Josh nodded lightly, watching as the door to the sanctuary came in to view. They verged closer and closer until finally Kaine motioned for Shadowmere to still her movements. 

Josh watched as Kaine hopped off, landing gracefully on the snow ridden ground. He expected Kaine to extend his hand for him, but he didn’t. Instead he walked over to where their bags were tied to the saddle, busying himself with the many straps and ropes which kept them in place. Josh glanced from Kaine to the ground, gulping with apprehension when he saw how far away it was. He spared another worried glance at Kaine, hoping that he would come back and offer to help him. But he just stood there, untying the rope as if he didn’t have a care in the world. Josh frowned at him before moving to place his foot in the stirrup. He had to move his whole body to stretch enough for his foot to make contact, and he stumbled off the saddle with one leg sticking in the air. Josh couldn’t hold back the yelp which escaped him as he fell to the ground, landing on his ass. He immediately stood up, shivering from the snow which had gotten on his backside. He desperately tried to wipe it off, sighing when he realized that his pants hadn’t gotten wet. Thank the gods. 

Josh looked up at Kaine who had paused what he was doing to stare down at him. He raised an eyebrow as he looked Josh over. Josh blushed, looking away as if he hadn’t just thrown himself off of the saddle. He heard Kaine let out an agitated sigh as he hurled their bags over his shoulder, starting towards the sanctuary without saying a word. He followed after him, rubbing his hands together in an attempt to warm them. 

The door opened automatically as Kaine approached it, as if it had sensed his presence. Josh managed to stumble in before the door swung closed, starting down the stairs at a slow pace. He wasn’t as happy as Kaine was to be back, he hated being within the walls of the sanctuary. They made him feel trapped. 

The place hadn’t changed at all during the time they had been gone. It was still terribly cold in the corridors, something Josh didn’t miss when he had been in the warmth of the Whiterun Inn. Kaine trudged through the foyer, stopping abruptly when he was nearly trampled by an all too familiar jester. Josh watched as Cicero immediately trapped Kaine in a tight embrace, the only part of him visible was his firey red hair as he buried his head into Kaine’s shoulder. Kaine stumbled backwards a bit before raising his free hand to return the hug. The two stayed like that for what seemed like an entire minute before they pulled away. Josh couldn’t help but stare at the interaction with wide eyes. He didn’t really think Kaine was one for physical affection. 

“So! How did it go? You know, the sneaking... And the  _ killing _ -“ Cicero all but cooed, his voice was just as cheerful and giddy as Josh remembered. His voice trailed off on an evil snicker as he said that last part, face twisting into a mischievous grin. Josh just stood across from them awkwardly, unsure of what he should do. 

“The target was eliminated,” Kaine said confidently. “Didn’t put up much of a fight.” 

Josh swallowed at that. He had expected Kaine to humiliate him by telling everyone how he had failed as soon as they returned. He’d been mentally preparing himself for the verbal abuse during the entire trip back. 

“Oh, but Cicero needs details~” Cicero hummed sweetly. He then turned his attention to Josh, who immediately stood straighter under his gaze. What was he supposed to tell him?? Josh’s face paled as Cicero stared at him expectantly.

“Actually...I need you to come with me,” Kaine spoke quietly, but Josh heard every word. He nervously glanced between them, wondering what was going on. Cicero’s face fell into a more serious expression as he nodded, eyes fleeting to Josh for a split second. The two then began to walk down the hall, side by side. Josh let out a shaky breath after they had ventured out of sight. He wasn’t sure what had just happened, but it left a pit in his stomach. He hesitantly forced himself to move, climbing down the stairs and walking across the main area. Surprisingly Nazir wasn’t by his cooking pot, and Babette wasn’t at her usual spot at the table. Josh frowned a bit as he made his way down the one corridor he had memorized. He walked the path to his room, eyeing the torches which hung on the walls as he did. 

He could feel his mind begin to wander as he gradually grew closer to his room. How different would things be if he had succeeded in escaping? Sure, they probably would have hunted him down and found him eventually...But he would have been free for a short time...Right? Josh shook his head lightly. Attempting to escape had been an incredibly stupid move. He had endangered his friends in the process, all because he wanted the chance to see them again. He had been selfish. So very selfish. He wasn’t about to make that same mistake again, especially not now. As long as he stayed here, as long as he did their bidding, his friends would be safe. He just had to keep telling himself that. 

Josh opened the door to his room, shutting it quietly behind him. He saw the pile of supplies sitting messily in the corner, completely unorganized. He had forgotten that Kaine had stolen all of it for him to use. They had left for Whiterun not even a day after he had received it all, so he hadn’t had the chance to sort through it. Everything had happened so quickly. Josh had learned to process things in record time ever since he had agreed to join the Dark Brotherhood. Not a day had gone by that wasn’t filled with anxiety or a new task to accomplish. He was able to process, but he still desperately craved some down time. 

Josh carefully took off his satchel, placing it gently on the foot of the bed. If he was going to be stuck in his room then he might as well try and sort through some of the mess he had left for himself. He sighed as he moved to sit on the floor, reaching forward to drag the pile towards him. He weeded through it all as quickly as he could, placing everything in their own respective piles. Josh paused when he came across a few black soul gems. They lacked a certain glow to them, meaning that no souls resided within. They were empty, just begging to be filled and used for enchantments. He wondered if maybe Babette had told Kaine to get some for him. She must have, considering Kaine would have no other way of knowing what to get. There was a soul trap spell tome as well. How convenient. 

Josh flipped through the pages, loving the way the paper felt beneath his finger tips. All of the books at the college were relatively old, and the aged paper gave them a distinct scent. He lifted the book up to his nose, sniffing it gently. It smelled like the Arcaneum. Josh smiled lightly, closing his eyes and trying to imagine that he was sitting in the library. He used to spend his free time helping Urag sort through the bookshelves, as the orc always wanted to reorganize. He claimed that it helped to ensure that the books wouldn’t get as dusty if they kept rotating them along the shelves. Urag was always stern about his books, but it was part of the reason why they were in such good condition. He was also extremely well versed with the knowledge of several different magical practices, and he would always answer whatever questions Josh had. Most of the other students thought he was nothing more than a nagging old man, but Josh had grown to see him as a bit of a father figure. Like the father he never had. Josh opened his eyes hesitantly, closing the book in his lap. He tried not to think about his days back in the college. All it ever did was make him upset. Josh often wondered what everyone thought when he had disappeared. Did they send out a search party? Did they have a funeral for him? He squeezed his eyes shut, moving to press his knees against his chest. He would most definitely never find out. 

There really was no way of getting out of this. He was trapped. And he only had himself to blame. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m really sorry for teasing you all like this, but I promise it will all be worth it 😩 some of you may have noticed that I added “slow burn” to the tags 👀 I’m going to try my best, but I’m just as impatient as you guys are. 
> 
> Please let me know what you think of this chapter!!


	8. Prying eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW for mentions of child abuse ⚠️

Josh carefully worked his elven dagger on the enchantment table, trying to make sure that he had drawn all of the sigils properly. He’d been working throughout most of the night, not stopping after he’d finished organizing. His room was now full of different magical items, baskets of soul gems laid at his feet. He had managed to sort the filled and unfilled soul gems into their own separate baskets, and had stacked the spell tomes beside the nightstand. The one shelf on the wall was used to store miscellaneous things like soul gem shards and a few magicka potions. 

Josh paused his movements momentarily to scratch at his forehead. He didn’t have much experience with enchanting, but he was told that he had a knack for it. He had only learned one enchantment at the college, and that was fire damage. Josh worked on transferring the soul from the soul gem into the dagger, trying his best to concentrate on the task at hand. It had been awhile since he’d worked on honing his enchantment skills. Sergius was the one who had originally taught him back at the college, as he was an expert when it came to arcane enchanting. The man was always difficult to track down and he had a temper, but he was a good teacher. At least in Josh’s opinion. He remembered how J’zargo used to get into arguments with Sergius in the hall of elements. The Khajiit was determined to learn every school of magic, but he was god awful when it came to enchanting things. He always tried to rush the process, and Sergius would scold him constantly. Josh chuckled to himself at the memory. J’zargo would always say the most outlandish things, like “fight me old man!” Or “piss off” anytime Sergius would try to intervene with one of his sarcastic comments. They were so comically chaotic, and Josh would often tease J’zargo that he and Sergius would make a cute couple. Josh frowned as he continued to work on the dagger. It had been so long since he’d joked around like that. Back when he was at the college his anxiety was under control most of the time, but here at the sanctuary it had basically become his whole personality. At the college he was known for making unintentionally funny remarks on occasion, it had a way of catching people off guard when the comments came from him. He desperately wanted to have fun like that again. To do something other than worrying and panicking constantly. 

“I like what you’ve done with the place.”

Josh stopped what he was doing at the sound of Babette’s voice in the doorway. There she was, sneaking up on him again. He glanced over his shoulder momentarily before returning to the enchantment table. 

“I just wanted to organize everything,” He said lightly. Babette was probably the only person in the whole sanctuary who didn’t make him nervous. He barely stuttered whenever he spoke to her, something he was immensely proud of. 

“Glad to see you’re making yourself comfortable here,” She mused, a smirk evident in her voice. Josh’s eyes widened at that. No, that’s not what he was doing...Right? He chose not to respond, instead focusing on finishing up the enchantment. Babette was quiet for a long moment. Josh wasn’t facing her, but he could practically feel her bright red eyes staring at his back as he worked. 

“What enchantment are you doing?” Babette asked suddenly. She seemed curious, as she moved from the doorway to stand at Josh’s side. Josh spared her a brief glance before shrugging and turning the dagger over in his hand. 

“I enchanted it to instill fire damage,” He muttered as he admired his work. The soul gem now laid empty on the table, the soul which had resided inside was now within the dagger. It seemed to shimmer beneath the torch light, a slight red glow surrounding the blade as Josh tilted it slightly. 

“Hm. You did a nice job,” Babette hummed approvingly. She glanced from the dagger to Josh’s face, studying his expression. 

“Oh, uh...Thanks,” Josh replied awkwardly, moving to return the dagger back to its sheath. He wasn’t really used to compliments, especially not from Babette. He’d been under the impression that she was difficult to impress, but apparently he was wrong. She smiled up at him warmly, her fangs barely visible. 

“Have you learned any new spells yet?” 

Josh blinked down at her. He had zoned out again, quickly snapping himself out of it. 

“Yeah...Actually, I was just reading a soul trap spell tome-“ He replied sheepishly. Babette’s face twisted into a grin as she reached down and snatched an empty soul gem from the basket by Josh’s feet. 

“Soul trap! Gabriella told me about that spell,” Babette held the soul gem in her hand, examining it quietly. Josh tilted his head to the side out of confusion, his hood hiding some of his features.

“Gabriella...?” 

Babette nodded softly. She kept staring at the soul gem in her palm, as if she was lost in her thoughts. Josh could feel that the energy had shifted, suddenly feeling a bit tense from how Babette was acting. She glanced up at him, her usual unbothered expression replaced with one of...Sadness? 

Josh watched with concern as Babette swallowed thickly. 

“Never-mind that, we should go outside so you can practice-“ She practically chirped with her small voice. Josh’s face paled at that. Practice soul trap...Did she want him to kill someone? Babette laughed lightly when she saw the horrified look Josh gave her. 

“Oh don’t be dramatic, we’re just gonna go kill some mud crabs.”

Josh let out a sigh of relief which quickly turned into a startled gasp as Babette grabbed his arm and steered him into the hallway. He always forgot just how strong she was, and how sharp her nails were. He winced as she dug them into his arm, yanking him around a corner as they went. 

“W-wait, isn’t the sun going to rise soon?” Josh asked, slightly out of breath from trying to keep up with Babette’s inhuman speed. He didn’t want to risk her being injured by the sun at his expense. 

“Nope! The night is still young,” She said with a light laugh. Josh furrowed his brows at that. He felt like he had been working in his room for ages, but apparently it had only been a few hours. He caught sight of Nazir as Babette dragged him through the main area. Josh sheepishly glanced at him as he was directed by Babette, receiving a questioning look from Nazir’s stern face. 

“Don’t wait up Nazir!” Babette called with a confident smirk. Nazir sighed, but said nothing as he returned to his work. He seemed like he was used to Babette’s antics, but Josh couldn’t say the same for himself. He winced in pain at Babette’s nails, allowing her to lead him up the stairs and across another long corridor. 

“There’s a shoreline just behind the sanctuary,” She said quickly. She sounded so excited, which Josh found somewhat surprising. Most of the time she acted like an adult, with her sarcastic remarks and unbothered tone. She probably behaved the way she did so that people would take her more seriously. But it was nice to see her having fun for once. 

Babette wasted no time in dragging Josh up the last flight of stairs. She reached for the door, glancing over her shoulder and letting out a small giggle as Josh panted lightly. Josh shook his head a bit, fighting the urge to smile. He wondered if Babette even knew her strength half the time, she’d practically yanked him across the whole sanctuary like some kind of rag doll. 

She turned back to the door, slinging it open with that same inhuman strength and guiding Josh outside. He looked down, sighing when he saw that she was still gripping his arm. Babette released him then, slowing down to walk at a more casual pace. Josh rubbed his arm lightly. Thankfully she hadn’t bruised him, but it still stung. 

The moon hung high in the sky, hovering over them as they made their way down a snow ridden path. They were going in the opposite direction from Dawnstar, the light from the town growing more and more dim as they distanced themselves further. Josh glanced down at Babette who walked silently beside him. Her skin looked almost as white as the snow, her auburn hair a harsh comparison against her pale complexion. Under the torchlight in the sanctuary she looked mostly human, apart from her red-tinted eyes. But under the light of the moon Josh saw her for what she really was. It was like she was in her element, out in the shadows of the night. He had never encountered a vampire before Babette. When he was a child he had been told horror stories of the undead. How they would prey on the weak, stalking and hunting as soon as the sun set. Vampires were incredibly rare, or so he’d been taught. Josh wondered if maybe he had come into contact with one before and just hadn’t realized it. The way people spoke of them made him think that they were feral monsters who lived in caves, but after seeing Babette he knew that wasn’t true. She wasn’t necessarily human, but she was definitely a person. It was strange to think that vampires could be living in towns, and cities. Openly interacting with the public. Josh was beginning to think that maybe the world wasn’t as black and white as he’d been raised to believe. 

“There’s always a bunch of mud crabs out here...I don’t know where they keep coming from,” Babette said casually as they neared closer to the seaside. Josh could see where the sand met the snow, the water rippling calmly before them. 

“Do you come out here a lot?” Josh asked, taking in his surroundings. It was a bit difficult to see, but the moon provided just enough light to get by. 

“Sometimes. When I’m bored, usually.” 

Josh nodded lightly, not entirelysure what else to say. He scanned the horizon in an effort to find some mud crabs, squinting when he spotted one just fifteen feet away from where they stood. 

“There’s one over there,” Josh muttered, eyes glued to the small creature. Babette nodded, a grin forming on her lips. 

“Well don’t just stand there, cast the spell!” 

Josh tore his eyes away to stare at her for a moment, as if to snap himself out of his thoughts. She grinned up at him, a mischievous glint in her eye. He sighed before starting towards the mud crab, trying his best to remember how he was supposed to cast. He opened his hand, slowly summoning the soul trap spell. An ominous orb of deep purple swirled in Josh’s palm as he ventured closer. The mud crab was crawling around the shore line peacefully, meaning it hadn’t detected his presence just yet. Josh never really killed animals, but mud crabs were different. They attack instantly, regardless of the circumstances. 

Once Josh was close enough, he set his hand back a bit, sucking in a sharp breath before hurling the orb of purple light in the mud crab’s direction. Much to his dismay, he missed. Josh watched in horror as the mud crab turned around, it’s short legs tapping along the sand as it went. He hurriedly tried to summon the soul trap spell again, but the bastard started running towards him at full speed. Josh yelled out, turning on his heel and running in the opposite direction as fast as he could. The mud crab trailed close behind, nearly taking out Josh’s ankles with its humongous pincers. 

“ _ shit shit shit fuck _ !” Josh practically screamed as he ran along the shore, desperately trying to unsheathe the dagger at his hip. He caught sight of Babette in the distance, he could hear her loud laughter ringing in his ears. She doubled over, giggling and snorting as he ran towards her. 

Josh glanced over his shoulder, letting out another yell as the mud crab narrowly missed his left ankle. “Fucking bastard-“ he screeched helplessly. 

“It’s just...It’s just a _mud crab!_ ” Babette called in between giggles. Josh desperately ran after her, pushing himself to make his short legs move faster. 

“Babette, do something!” Josh yelled, his voice tailed off into a yelp as the mud crab pinched the back of his heel. His boots slapped against the wet sand as he ran, arms flailing a bit when the mud crab continued its onslaught. Babette tried to force herself to hold a serious expression, but quickly failed and busted out into yet another fit of giggles. Josh huffed and ran around her, not daring to stop while the mud crab was so close behind. He kind of hoped that maybe it would go after her instead, but it stayed glued to his trail. He was beginning to think that maybe the damned thing was holding a grudge. Babette snorted as Josh took to running circles around her, the mud crab not slowing down for a second. 

“Fucking kill it!!” Josh begged, tone laced with frustration. Babette giggled as she unsheathed her own dagger, watching Josh run around her a few times before aiming and effectively stabbing the mud crab in the head. Josh continued running, only stopping when he saw the dead corpse on the ground. He let out a loud breath, chest heaving from the adrenaline. Babette pulled her dagger out, returning it to her side and turning to face Josh. They both stared at each other, completely silent. The only sound which could be heard was the waves gently crashing behind them. 

Babette stared some more before suddenly letting out a loud, shrill laugh. Josh did the same, resting his hands on his knees as he leaned over. A fit of giggles escaped him as he wiped the sweat off his brow. 

“Damn,” Josh muttered breathlessly in between laughs. 

“That really backfired, huh?”Babette snorted at his remark, kicking the mud crab’s lifeless body out of retaliation. Josh smiled as Babette quieted her laughter, watching as she tilted her head back to look up at the moon in thought. He had never seen this side of her before, had never heard her laugh like that. It was like she was finally acting like a kid, maybe that’s why it seemed so odd. Josh knew how old Babette actually was, but she still had the mind and body of a twelve year old. He remembered how tough it was to be that age, and he couldn’t imagine being stuck at such an awkward stage for more than three hundred years. It was so weird to think about. She possessed such vast knowledge on numerous topics, and had mastered many crafts, but her brain had never developed past the age of twelve. She had been a child all her life, and would be a child for the rest of her days. She would never grow up, forever frozen in time. No wonder she always seemed so closed off and passive. And how had she even been turned in the first place? Josh frowned at the thought. Who would do that to a child? He desperately wanted to ask her, but didn’t want to overstep a boundary. Babette turned to look at him briefly, her red eyes seemed to glow beneath the moonlight. 

“Do you miss the sun?” 

Josh heard himself blurt out the question before he had much time to think. He dusted off his pants a bit before standing up straighter, glancing at the stars which hung over them.

Babette let out a small laugh. It sounded a bit forced, like she was trying to lighten the mood. 

“The sun is annoying,” She said flatly. “It makes me weak.” 

Josh nodded, though Babette wasn’t looking in his direction. Instead she gazed upwards, eyes trained on the night sky thoughtfully.

“I mean...Do you miss being human?” He spoke the words softly, afraid that maybe he had crossed some kind of line. But Babette didn’t seem the least bit phased by the question. 

“Mm. No, I’m stronger this way,” Babette’s eyes flickered to Josh’s face, lips twisting into a smirk. Her fangs poked out over her bottom lip as she smiled, and Josh wondered if she had done it on purpose. 

“But. I do wish I had been turned later in life,” she added casually. Josh swallowed thickly. His curiosity really was getting the best of him. 

“Who turned you?” He asked suddenly, hating himself immediately after he heard the words leave his mouth. He averted his gaze as if the action would somehow revert what he said. Babette stared up at him, oddly quiet. She stayed that way for a long moment before speaking up. 

“It’s a long story.” 

Josh turned back to face her again, eyes full of sympathy. 

“You don’t have to tell me,” he muttered quickly, immediately regretting his question. Babette shook her head as she stared at her feet, lifting a hand to brush a stray hair behind her ear. 

“It’s fine,” she started softly. “I was an orphan. Never knew my parents.” 

Josh watched her intently. She hesitated after that, as if the words had gotten caught in her throat. 

“It’s hard to remember my human life, it’s all blurry... But I do remember that I used to sell flowers for money.” 

Babette leaned down, plucking a wilted flower from the snow. She twirled it in her small hands, watching the way the petals drooped pitifully. 

“I was a bit pathetic back then,” She said with an irritated sigh, as if the memory was making her cringe. 

“Used to roam around the streets with my little basket. People would take pity on me and buy some here and there.”

Josh watched as Babette dropped the flower to the ground. She then touched a hand to her temple as if to focus on her memories.

“This one lady approached me one day, bought my whole basket,” She started again, speaking the words slowly as if she had to struggle to remember. “I remember thinking she was kind of creepy, but I needed the money so I didn’t really care.” 

Josh frowned lightly. He didn’t like where this was going. 

“She then asked me if I had any parents, and I was kind of dumb so I told her no,” Babette laughed suddenly, the noise startling Josh who had been listening intently. 

“I’ll never forget the way she looked at me, I don’t know how to describe it.” 

There was something about the way Babette had laughed. It didn’t sound genuine at all, she almost sounded a bit angry as she tilted her head back with a scoff. Josh studied her expressions, she was so difficult to read. She said everything so casually, but it sounded like she was angry with her past self. 

“She told me to follow her, and like a fool I did as she said,” Babette cringed at her own words. “Then she started to act really weird, saying I was the ‘perfect child’. I didn’t really understand at the time.” 

Josh’s eyes widened as he watched her speak. What the hell had she been through? 

“She led me to the edge of town where her house was, insisted that I join her inside,” Babette shook her head at her own stupidity, huffing to herself. “She said she was going to be my new mommy and I was so excited.” 

Josh’s face fell, beginning to pick at his nails nervously. It was almost difficult to listen. 

“She said ‘this will only hurt a little bit’...”

Babette’s voice trailed off at the end, growing silent. There was an uncomfortable tension in the air, Josh could almost feel his skin crawl from it. Babette clenched her fists at her sides as she whispered under her breath. 

“It hurt really bad.” 

Josh gaped at her, every fiber of his being wanted to reach out and hug her, protect her. 

“She wanted me to be her ‘little girl’ for forever.” 

Babette’s fists were shaking now, her anger just barely concealed. 

“I killed her eventually. But it was hard,” her voice trembled a bit as she spoke, her usual nonchalant tone seemed so distant now. “I really thought she was going to be...I-I wanted...” 

And suddenly Josh had his arms wrapped around her, clutching her head to his chest. He didn’t even have the chance to think about what he was doing, acting purely out of instinct. He held her head against him, cradling it gently. Babette was completely stiff, not moving at all. Josh felt tears stinging his eyes, but he forced them away. 

“I’m so fucking sorry...” he whispered against her hair, squeezing his eyes shut out of disbelief. “I’m so sorry...” 

He held her like that, wishing more than anything that he could have been there to stop all of that from happening to her. To spare her from this pain and regret. Babette was completely silent...But Josh felt her slowly wrap her arms around his waist. She held him lightly, her face smooshed against him as if she wasn’t sure what to do. 

“I know you blame yourself, Babette...” He whispered hesitantly. “But you were just a kid, you’re  _ still _ just a kid...” 

Babette clung onto him, hands gripping the back of his shirt. Josh heard her sniffle lightly, before she pulled her head away. She stumbled out of his arms, wiping her nose on her dress sleeve. A single drop of blood dripped down her cheek as she rubbed her eyes. He hadn’t realized she had been crying. 

“I was just... An idiot-“ Babette said the last part with a broken laugh as she wiped the bloody tear off her cheek. Her face fell into a subtle frown as her laugh trailed off. She rubbed her arm lightly, standing a comfortable distance away. All Josh could manage to do was stare at her, eyes full of sympathy. 

“She took advantage of you,” Josh said quietly. “You weren’t an idiot.” 

Babette looked to the side, seemingly frustrated with herself. But she didn’t argue. 

Josh watched her for a long, quiet moment before gently reaching up to place a hand on her shoulder. 

“Come on, let’s go find some more mud crabs.” 

Babette smiled softly, a light laugh escaping her lips. “Yeah  _okay_ , but I’m not saving you this time.” 

_______

Josh smiled as he stared at the lesser soul gem in his palm. It glowed with a blue-ish hue, the soul inside dancing around. He and Babette had finally managed to trap a mud crab soul with the spell, though it did take a few attempts. As soon as they had returned to the sanctuary Josh had given her the Crimson Nirnroot as promised and Babette ran off with it to create some kind of new potion. They hadn’t spoken another word regarding her past. But he couldn’t stop thinking about how scared she must have been. The pain she must have gone through. He knew that there was probably more to that story, but Babette wasn’t the over-sharing type. He couldn’t say he blamed her. He just hoped that maybe he had gotten through to her somehow, hoped that she knew he cared. Josh sighed as he walked down the hall absentmindedly. Nazir snored softly from a far room, meaning the sun had probably already risen. He briefly wondered just how long he had been outside for. 

Josh turned a corner, surprised when he didn’t recognize the hallway he had stumbled across. He had walked the halls of the sanctuary so many times, but for some reason he had never been down this corridor. He began walking down it, trying his best to move as silently as possible. If Josh had come across something like this when he had first been taken to the sanctuary, he would have steered clear. But at this point he couldn’t care less. 

There was a large wooden door at the end of the hallway, with only a few torches lighting the path. Josh shivered from the cold as he continued towards it, feeling uneasy from the shadows at his sides. As he grew closer he noticed that the door was slightly ajar, and a soft golden light seeped through the crack. He quickly glanced over his shoulder to make sure he hadn’t been followed, before moving to peek through the opening. He could only see the left side of the room, but his eyes quickly widened as he caught sight of a familiar jester costume. 

Cicero stood before Kaine, the two were standing unusually close to one another. Their features were covered partially in darkness, as the room wasn’t well lit. But Josh noticed a few candles on a far desk, the flames flickering gently behind them. He gulped lightly. Eavesdropping wasn’t a good idea, but he couldn’t help himself. 

“So he ruined it? He didn’t kill the target...?” Cicero spoke softly, his tone unusually calm. 

“Some alchemist gave him an aphrodisiac,” Kaine muttered. He seemed so unamused by it, but Cicero snickered under his breath. 

“Our little Joshy had an  _ aphrodisiac _ ? And here I thought he was a prude-“ 

Josh furrowed his brows as Cicero let out a loud cackle, though he couldn’t take his eyes away. 

“It wasn’t intentional,” Kaine said flatly. Cicero ceased his amused snickering, turning back towards Kaine with a mischievous grin. 

“So did you _do_ anything?” He asked confidently, lips twisting into a smirk. Josh’s eyes widened at the insinuation. The way Cicero asked such a question... It was like he wouldn’t care if Kaine slept with other people. It almost seemed like he was encouraging it. 

Josh could only see the side of Kaine’s face, but he still had that same stern look. “No... Of course not,” he grumbled. His voice trailed off as Cicero suddenly stepped closer to him. 

“ _No_? Hm...” Cicero hummed tauntingly as he raised a gloved thumb to Kaine’s lips. Josh watched as he traced his bottom lip, slowly gliding the rough leather against soft skin. “Well, I’m disappointed~” 

Cicero’s voice had dropped, the words escaping his lips lowly as he stared at Kaine with utmost desire. Josh felt his cheeks warm at the sight, he was starting to feel like some sort of pervert for watching.

Kaine grunted in retaliation. “Are you now?” He asked, his voice had grown deep and gruff as Cicero slid his hand further to cup his throat. Josh’s eyes widened as he watched Cicero strengthen his grip. Kaine’s head lulled back slightly, a hand slowly reaching up to grasp Cicero’s arm. He had never seen Kaine like this, he couldn’t even imagine anyone doing something like that to the listener and living to tell the tale. Josh quickly realized that his mouth had fallen open in shock, quickly pulling his lips together as he swallowed thickly. 

Cicero leaned forward until his lips were practically touching Kaine’s ear. Josh heard him whisper something, though he couldn’t make out just what he had said. Whatever it was, it caused Kaine to pry Cicero’s hand away from his throat and steal his lips in a kiss. It all happened in one fluid motion, Kaine had expertly dislodged himself from Cicero’s grasp like it was second nature. Josh couldn’t bring himself to so much as blink at the scene unfolding before him. Kaine had Cicero locked in a kiss, though his ministrations weren’t aggressive. They seemed soft...Gentle. He watched as their lips glided together effortlessly. And suddenly Kaine’s hand was cupping Cicero’s cheek, his thumb tracing small circles affectionately. Josh blushed as Cicero covered Kaine’s hand with his own. The way Kaine held him so tenderly... As if he was afraid to be too rough. It was doing weird things to Josh’s head. And how Cicero looked at Kaine. His eyes didn’t seem as predatory or intimidating as Josh had always seen them. He looked at Kaine with such admiration. They looked so in love. Josh forced himself to look away, instead looking at the wall beside him. What the hell was he doing? Watching them during such an intimate moment... 

He spared one last look through the crack in the doorway, watching as Kaine gently led Cicero out of sight. Josh pulled his hood further over his head before turning and starting back down the hall in one swift motion. He could feel his heart hammering in his chest as he walked at an abnormally fast pace. His feet moved silently as he desperately tried to get as far away from that room as possible. Josh squeezed his eyes shut, shaking his head in disbelief as his thoughts took over. Why was he so fascinated by them and their relationship? It couldn’t be healthy to be obsessing in such a way. He had assumed that they were in a close relationship, as they were definitely lovers. But what he had just witnessed was so different from anything he’d ever seen between them before. Josh knew that he had watched a moment which was meant to be private, he knew that he was never meant to see it. But no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t stop thinking about the way Kaine treated Cicero. They had so much respect for each other. Josh furrowed his brows in frustration, his short legs carrying him as he anxiously sped up. 

Kaine was always so cruel to him, and Cicero was always treating him like a mere toy. Josh had made the mistake of assuming that’s how they treated each other, that surely their relationship was just as toxic as they were to him. But they proved him wrong. What Josh had watched was two people madly in love with each other. Gods, he was so fucking jealous. Of what they had, what they shared. And he hated himself for it. He quickly turned a corner, trying to find the way back to his room as quickly as possible. He’d never really felt jealousy quite like this before. Josh couldn’t stop himself from imagining what it would be like to be in Cicero’s shoes, or Kaine’s for that matter. He was desperately infatuated by both of them, and his fantasies were starting to drive him wild. 

Josh eyed the torches on the walls as he practically flew past them. He always walked quickly when he got anxious, and this was certainly no exception. He quickly recalled the way Cicero had asked Kaine if anything had happened between them. Josh had felt a small spark of hope as he anticipated his reply,only for Kaine to say ‘ _no, of course not_.’

What did he even mean by that? Was he disgusted by the mere possibility of them having relations? Josh scowled to himself. He hated that he cared as much as he did, but he just couldn’t help himself. He sighed as he finally reached his room. He wasn’t entirely sure how he had gotten there, the whole trip was a bit of a blur from his flustered thoughts. Josh immediately shut the door behind himself and jumped into bed, not bothering to remove his shoes as he curled in on himself. His thoughts were going to keep him up all night... He groaned as he realized he had gotten turned on from all of the eavesdropping, his half hard member already pressing against his pants.   
_Not this again..._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who has been keeping up with this story!! I am happy to say that the next chapter will be ✨spicy✨
> 
> Please let me know what you think of Josh’s interactions with Babette! She doesn’t have a canon backstory so I had to come up with one. At least now they can bond over trauma 😭

**Author's Note:**

> Poor Joshy 😅 I considered killing him off but he might be a useful character. I’m making this part have multiple chapters, so be sure to keep checking for new updates :)


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